#1
Something a little different. Hope you like it. I'd like some good feedback on this one please.

Critique for critique.

Enjoy


There's a funny feeling I get
in my stomach,
it stings when you drive by.
I know I can only sigh and ignore it,
wait for you to pass on, splashing.

There's a funny sign down the road,
It says "Please mind the cattle".
I know you can read it too,
so we stay out of sight, unheard.

But somehow you never saw the signs,
the signs that said "Mind out for death".

Now, from time to time,
I get a funny feeling-
It's a little cold, a little weary.
I swear it's you just driving slowly past,
Re-reading those signs you missed before.
#2
I quite like this, it reads reasonably well, if you know what I mean. I'm not entirely sure what it's about, especially the splashing part, but that doesn't really matter. I like the signs theme, if you could call it that.

I'm not one for taking peoples stuff apart, so sorry not much advice, but I think that's a decent bit of work.
#3
i like this well enough i guess, the signs thing seemed a bit unoriginal to me, altho you used it a little differantly than i would have expected, it kept me interested anyways and it was pretty solid writing. i didnt really like the third stanza tho, dont really no why, it does seems relavent but it doesnt really seem to tie in, if you understand what im getting at. ya, its good, i still think you could improve it but good. new one in my sig if you could, thanks
#4
There's a funny feeling I get
in my stomach,
it stings when you drive by.
I know I can only sigh and ignore it,
wait for you to pass on, splashing.

I loved that part, very easy to relate to. I don't really like the funny feeling thing, mainly the funny part, maybe you can find something else besides funny, weird might work (but I'd use something stronger than that), but it's your piece so feel free to disreguard my opinions.

There's a funny sign down the road,
It says "Please mind the cattle".
I know you can read it too,
so we stay out of sight, unheard.

I didn't really get this part, but I like the 1st 2 lines ,and 2nd 2 lines, I just don't really get them when they're put together.

But somehow you never saw the signs,
the signs that said "Mind out for death".

I liked this part alot, no complaints.

Now, from time to time,
I get a funny feeling-
It's a little cold, a little weary.
I swear it's you just driving slowly past,
Re-reading those signs you missed before.

I liked this ending, I really mean that, it really brings the peice together.

Overall I loved this piece, it's definately one of my favorite out the stuff you've posted for the last few months.

Please crit my latest poem Struggle, I'll put the link up later, or I'll put it in my sig.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 23, 2007,
#5
Quote by Jammydude44

There's a funny feeling I get
in my stomach,
it stings when you drive by.
I know I can only sigh and ignore it,
wait for you to pass on, splashing.

Meh... This is a pretty poor beginning. Something I'd expect of less talented writers than you. Perhaps I hold you too high...;-)

There's a funny sign down the road,
It says "Please mind the cattle".
I know you can read it too,
so we stay out of sight, unheard.

Oh, I hope that 'unheard'/cattle pun was intentional. Because I seriously laughed out loud... well, in a poetic way. haha. This is... weird. I don't understand the need for it, but the pun saves it.

But somehow you never saw the signs,
the signs that said "Mind out for death".

So... she died? Wow... I seriously need to re-evaluate this whole piece.

Now, from time to time,
I get a funny feeling-
It's a little cold, a little weary.
I swear it's you just driving slowly past,
Re-reading those signs you missed before.

Nice use of half-rhyme here. This is a great, haunting image to tie your whole piece together. It really connects the stanzas that left me thinking "What is he talking about?"


Well, I get it now. Wow, you've developed into a three dimensional writer. Excellent work, Jamie, and I thought this piece sucked the first few times I read it.

I'll have something new tomorrow. Hopefully...
#6
Quote by sjada
i like this well enough i guess, the signs thing seemed a bit unoriginal to me, altho you used it a little differantly than i would have expected, it kept me interested anyways and it was pretty solid writing. i didnt really like the third stanza tho, dont really no why, it does seems relavent but it doesnt really seem to tie in, if you understand what im getting at. ya, its good, i still think you could improve it but good. new one in my sig if you could, thanks


Just to counteract this post, Jamie, I think the 3rd stanza is really the turning point in this piece.

It beings the connections.
#7
Thanks alo Ret, and everybody.

Of course the pun was intentional

I'll try and get back to everyone later on.

thanks all
#8
Id cut out stanza 2, it does nothing for the piece. The pun is alright but adds nothing, if anything it adds humour to a piece that doesn't benefit from it. I lost any form of sentimentality for the characters as a result of it being there.
And the ending saves the piece.

There's a funny feeling I get
in my stomach,
it stings when you drive by.

To be honest you cant really say "it" where you do, as its referencing the feeling, not the stomach, which I'm guessing is the intended target. Use which instead, unless I'm mistaken.

Splashing.

Pointless

Thats about it, its ok overall I just feel it would be more effective without S2.


peACE

Mine is under "writing" in my sig.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
"splashing" refers to a car driving past and splashing a puddle over to you. Just trying to show the desperation of the situation with that, and trying to link it with the car image, along with the signs.

Yeah S2. I liked it, and it was there not just for the pun, but to expand on the relationship, as I felt it gave a better image of this spontaneous, carefree, loving relationship than just leaving it out. I did thin kabout it btw, but personally I felt the need to expandon the relationship.

And Ret- funny you thought it was a she. It was that and also a metaphor for a relationship, I had both in mind whilst writing it.

Cheers all
#10
Pretty cool, i actually really like the second stanza. I didnt even notice the pun but I still liked it.

But somehow you never saw the signs,
the signs that said "Mind out for death".

I like how you suddenly change the tone of it hear, kinda takes you by surprise

Pretty ace overall, could you crit my latest?
#11
Quote by Jammydude44

There's a funny feeling I get
in my stomach,
it stings when you drive by.
I know I can only sigh and ignore it,
wait for you to pass on, splashing.

I actually feel that the word splashing in L5 detracts from the stanza... maybe I'm missing something here but it just seems random and nonsensical.

There's a funny sign down the road,
It says "Please mind the cattle".
I know you can read it too,
so we stay out of sight, unheard.

I like this... its odd and theres little in this stanza that would normally appeal to me but funnily enough I like this... its different without being weird enough to put me off

But somehow you never saw the signs,
the signs that said "Mind out for death".

I laughed out loud at the end of this, good little 2-line bitty I liked it.

Now, from time to time,
I get a funny feeling-
It's a little cold, a little weary.
I swear it's you just driving slowly past,
Re-reading those signs you missed before.


Terrific ending, especially the last line, this stanza links it all up and is great bit of work, good job.


I liked this a lot, it was different for sure but I liked it. I laughed so hard at the 'mind out for death' part I just thought that was hilarious, I haven't heard someone say that since I was about 12.
Anyway mines in my sig
Cheers Jamie
-Sam
Winners are those who refuse to be beaten

Imagination on a Screen

Please crit my latest work! Crit for crit of course.

Or hear my demo recordings at Myspace
#12
The best part of this was the ending. If there was some way to take the last two stanzas and set them up in a better fashion this would be really really good. But the beginning doesn't really draw the reader in, and the use of "funny" in Stanza 2 and just that whole stanza kind of irks me because they aren't really too interesting and the language is kind of plain. Really great Idea though, would love to see it expounded upon.

If you can please crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511359
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#14
There's a funny feeling I get
in my stomach,
it stings when you drive by.
I know I can only sigh and ignore it,
wait for you to pass on, splashing.

this part doesn't seem to be very well written.
the "splashing" adds nothing, and at this point,
it really doesn't make any sense at all.
it feels really irrelevant to the story right now.
i think you could use a much better word
to convey the feeling of desperation you want.



There's a funny sign down the road,
It says "Please mind the cattle".
I know you can read it too,
so we stay out of sight, unheard.

this adds humour to a piece that shouldn't have it.
if you want to expand on the relationship you have,
you should do it in a more serious way, and in a way
that fits the whole tone of the rest of the poem.
i mean. i completely understand the point of the stanza.
it just doesn't seem to succeed in what it's intended to do.
i think you should just rework it so it doesn't break the mood.



But somehow you never saw the signs,
the signs that said "Mind out for death".

i think you could find a better way to say
"mind out for death". like. just better phrasing.
i also think you should say "read" not "said".
but other than that, the piece starts to turn here.



Now, from time to time,
I get a funny feeling-
It's a little cold, a little weary.
I swear it's you just driving slowly past,
Re-reading those signs you missed before.

this ending is beautiful.


so yeah. a couple complaints.
sorry if i seemed a bit harsh.
the beginning just seemed like
it could have been a lot better
to match up to the great ending.

I just want to sleep forever.


#16
yeah mine has been missed as well, unless you felt my crit wasn't worthy, then don't worry about it.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#17
knife2, I got to yours, Im your first post on engine seized or whatever.

Sam- my pc froze on another full crit, Ill get back to you with my main pints tonight

Cheers Grovermans. Be as harsh as you like, its great.
#18
Hey, what;s up Jamie. It's nice to read another one of your pieces. I always liked the humor you icluded in your writings and this piece was no different. I enjoyed reading this piece, although I couldn't figure out what it was about. (Which isn't a bad thing. I 'm not really good with figuring out meanings of poetry. I love to use cryptic language in my pieces, but I couldn't decipher poems, go figure!) Anyways sorry I couldn't give you a proper crit, but I don't see anything wrong with this piece. By the way, the tone of the piece kind of my reminded me of a Radiohead song. Just my two cents.

Crit mine please?
Behind the Alabaster Walls
#19
it's always hardest for me to crit a piece I just don't like that much. there's nothing really wrong with it persay it just doesn't do anything for me. okay, well, let's see anyway. I agree about s2 although I do like the two separate uses of the word funny. I really dislike the"mind out for death" sentence. first off, who says "mind out for..." nobody. watch out, maybe. second even watch out for death seems a bit weird in the way you're using it. I get what you're saying but it doesn't seem all that, I don't know, well stated. it could be done better I think. in short, I've read better by you. this probably wasn't helpful at all and I know you always do my pieces so if you'd like me to do your next one too I wouldn't mind at all. (I'd be especially pleased if you PMed me a link as I'm not on the forum much and don't generally go searching for pieces by specific users)
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#20
Quote by Jammydude44


There's a funny feeling I get
in my stomach,
it stings when you drive by.
I know I can only sigh and ignore it,
wait for you to pass on, splashing.

I liked everything up to splashing...didn't understand the need for it. good start

There's a funny sign down the road,
It says "Please mind the cattle".
I know you can read it too,
so we stay out of sight, unheard.

Wow...random? I like it though...maybe need to put a stanza before it to explain getting up to this. agian i dont like the fact that your tact on a word at the end of the stanza...not terrible

But somehow you never saw the signs,
the signs that said "Mind out for death".

I really like this line...it works well, and it ties the mind the cattle sign...I like it

Now, from time to time,
I get a funny feeling-
It's a little cold, a little weary.
I swear it's you just driving slowly past,
Re-reading those signs you missed before.
Okay...so I'm still lost in total...you need to mind your audience most important thing to consider when writing.


Over all it wasnt bad...I just didnt have alot to say to it simply because I didn't fully understand it
Try making it longer maybe.
#22
I'd do a crit, honest to God, but Retribution's crit says exactly what I thought of the piece. Once I read it through again I got it, and it's very well done.
"You can never quarantine the past."