#1
the saddest fish in the world
is deep sea blue and lives
in a plastic bowl in the main
office of McMahon dining hall
by the printer where we
won't forget to feed him.
his name is mac daddy.

I could tell you why he's sad
but I don't know if I should

I guess it's a he,
how does one tell the gender
of a fish?

I saw it swim once
total.
it's taken to floating
by the top
sometimes by the bottom
hiding behind its plastic plant.

a few times a day
someone taps the bowl
to make sure he's alive.
so far it always is-
I kind of hope he dies.

I spend my shifts watching him.
it's better than being out there with
the ugg boots and business majors.
they think I should
sheer my head, go sheep.

and maybe I will.

for the life of me
I can't see why bukowski
liked watching an ass move in jeans
it just gets me dizzy.

a man, lazy eyed, comes in
to fix the soda machine
and one of the cooks flirts with him.
I hope I don't become
exponentially more desperate
the older I get.

he leaves as we end the dinner shift
and says "I haven't even had lunch yet"

I stick my finger in the bowl,
swirl it around and see a fin move
oh
good
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
that was....deep
Because footstools are cool - UG's Classical Guitarists

[quote="'']Congratulations! You have won the award for the most irrelevant thing ever said in a thread!
#5
why? what'd it mean to you?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#6
Mmmmm.....yea dont know if i liked it man, it sounded more like a diary entry than a song to me. I tried to think of it as a song but i think your lyrics are too literal. Sorry.
#1 member of the Oasis fan club. PM me to join
#7
This is really cool, kinda reminds me of the month I spent in an office last summer. You show the atmosphere of boredom and depression really well. The way I read it was that the fish is actually you, cooped up in the office. Am I right? Anyway, great poem Could you crit one of mine?
#8
i never know exactly how to comment on your work. you have a way with words, and can turn any subject matter into something moving. great, great work.
-Landon
#9
^^^ ditto.

that reminded me a lot of bukowski.
and i really really liked it.

I just want to sleep forever.


#10
thanks.

I can tell you what to say to my pieces if you like?
some suggestions:
-interpretation
-things you like
-things you dislike
-things you feel are unneccesary

etc, etc, you're smart guys, I'm sure you'll figure it out

special thanks to dave for the most useful comment.
honorable mention to oasis (although I hate that band) but really I can't picture this ever being a song. it'll stay as a poem and should be read as one which means going back and reading it differently.

oh god, i'm not becoming one of those guys am I?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#11
For me, this showed (what I presume, anyway) the kind of thinking that goes in an office when you're bored. The fish merely representing your thoughts on the job eg should you jack it in or should you stay. Eitther that or you're the fish in your bowl, but I prefer my one as the ending ties in with you staying at your job, which means you get the money "oh, good" at the end.

Anyway, I loved this like most your work. this did seem a bit more deeper than your others, which is good aswell.

However, as I re-read it, I do feel there is a certain spark that is lacking to make me want to come back indefinitely to this piece. I just think the tone of this is a little to plain, a little to simple, and I think I just wanted maybe a bit more excitement in this, rather than it meandering to the end. It was good, but I didn't really get excited throughout the piece. I wanted to be turned on more

In my sig, if you could. Many thanks.

EDIT: However I realise the lack of excitement kinda mirrors an office environment. And I'm guessing thats what you were going for. You can disregard the above comment if you like
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jan 25, 2007,
#12
That was really well written, you really seemed to capture the mood and atmosphere of your environment in this piece with every line. I like how at the end of the day it comes back to the fish, and after making the readers think he's on the verge of death, he's still alive.

You don't say he's still alive, but you say "Oh, good" which implies that. Then again, "Oh, good" could imply that the fish is dead, "I kind of hope he dies"

Either way, I really enjoyed this and it's realistic real-life tone through and through. You work never fails to entertain.
#13
Quote by less than that
the saddest fish in the world
is deep sea blue and lives
in a plastic bowl in the main
office of McMahon dining hall
by the printer where we
won't forget to feed him.
his name is mac daddy.

This is an awesome opening. As someone else stated this piece of simple, but I think only on the surface. You can read into it deeper and infer things about the observer and the fish itself. Personally, I don't know whether you meant this to be yourself like someone mentioned or you observing, or even so, day dreaming (because this whole piece isn't about the fish; you side-track at the end). This paragraph has a lot of descriptive (by the printer, I can picture that perfectly as we all know what an office is like.) You might change by to next to because usually offices are insanely cluttered, condensed and that might paint a better picture of that. I think for this paragraph you could change the "him/his" to "it" to better illustrate the fact in the next paragraph about the gender. I like the fact that you mentioned it's name. For one showing that the fish is not in control of his own life and mac daddy as the people who notice the fish aren't even concerned enough to give him a suitable name.

I could tell you why he's sad
but I don't know if I should
I guess it's a he,
how does one tell the gender
of a fish?

This is a nice little side paragraph almost like something that should have been in parathesis. This is the first time you stray away from exactly what/who the fish is and why it is the saddest fish in the world. But we already know slightly from the information presented in the first paragraph, which supports your statement I don't know if I should. I think that might flow beter as "But I Shouldn't/Won't" You imply a great sense of uncertainty with the guess and the questions. I like it. I love the fact that gender of a fish isn't as apparent as ours and if it weren't could one even be certain of it? It's like the fish has no conscience, no emotions, not even a "set" gender and leads to the fact that we can't even know whether something is true or not, is a fact really a fact or is it just a believed opinion.

I saw it swim once
total.
it's taken to floating
by the top
sometimes by the bottom
hiding behind its plastic plant.

This is good. It describes the fish through it's motions. One reason I love this piece is because each paragraph takes a different perspective of the fish and how it's described. Instead of just focusing on one or two things, you have a much wider range. This shows that it's dimensionless; has no incentive to swim, it has to be carrier by the water itself. It's almost like it's at the top (the to floating is nice, almost presents an image of death) and bottom because it's unsure of where to rest. Knowing that most fish/organisms in general rest at the bottom of their habitat, I love that image. We all know that stupid plastic plant in fish bowls so I like that you added that.

a few times a day
someone taps the bowl
to make sure he's alive.
so far it always is-
I kind of hope he dies.

Pretty nice paragraph. Not too much not too little. We're sure that it's not "someone" tapping the bowl but it's you. Because you always know that it's alive. The last line made me sad but it's a good line. It makes me think: why would he want the fish to die? is it for the fish (so it wouldn't have to feel sorry for it, which is less likely) or so he won't have to look after it anymore, wouldn't ahve to feel drawn in to it and almost feel sorry for himself because he is so connected/like the fish. I'd like to know exactly what you meant by that line.

I spend my shifts watching him.
it's better than being out there with
the ugg boots and business majors.
they think I should
sheer my head, go sheep.
and maybe I will.

This resupports my above statements. This is where you start moving the way frmo the fish and transforming the fish into yourself. Unlike what someone says, I think this piece is more how you and the fish are connected than you are the fish (which I like better) but that could just be my interpretation. I like the fact that it's better for you to watch the fish (instead of working), and the fish likes to hide behind it's plant instead of doing it's fish thing. Very nice parallelism. The ugg boots (specifically the boots the girls that the business majors watch wear in the next part or just people in general that you cannot relate with) paint an awesome image for me. The last line supports that.

for the life of me
I can't see why bukowski
liked watching an ass move in jeans
it just gets me dizzy.
a man, lazy eyed, comes in
to fix the soda machine
and one of the cooks flirts with him.
I hope I don't become
exponentially more desperate
the older I get.
he leaves as we end the dinner shift
and says "I haven't even had lunch yet"

Like I said earlier you stray away from the fish to yourself. I love these descriptions, lazy eyed main, flirting cook, etc. Mainly agree with what Blake said here.

I stick my finger in the bowl,
swirl it around and see a fin move
oh
good

I agree with blake on this one. It could go either way. But since the fin moved we know that it's alive; but the oh good could be more of an sarcastic move. More-so since you're connected to the fish the fact that it's not dead yet makes you feel a bit better to know you're not. That's how I see it at least


I loved the piece. Hopefully my comments help you a wittle<333
#14
yeah that's pretty much what I intended. good work guys, thanks for your time, seriously.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in