#1
Crit4Crit
This may need a to be revised. I like the way it's set up, but if it becomes a huge issue I guess I'll change it, either way I don't know if anyones gonna like this. If this confuses you then read the non-italic parts first.

"Struggle"

It's something I can't touch
I can't swim
throwing a punch
but I'm so close to shore
and never feeling the impact
I keep coming up for air
never making contact
I think I might drown
with what I'm aiming for
but I'm almost there

I'll keep punching
I'll keep struggling
What will happen
when I break my hand
when I reach the sand
#2
No Climax, nothing really exciting or thought provoking, not written badly, just a bad idea for a song.
#3
I would have to hear a recording of it, I think it works great as a poem, perhaps better than a lyric.

It all depends on what you do with it though right?

My Stuff is in my sig if your interested. Just PM me.
#4
^This is a poem, I guess it's an easy mistake to make since I didn't say it earlier, it'll never be turned into a song either. My computer wouldn't load your songs, sorry Travis.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 23, 2007,
#5
first of all, i think you need punctuation.
like. periods at the end of sentences.
it gets kind of confusing without it.

It's something I can't touch
I can't swim
throwing a punch

"throwing a punch" seems just a bit random.
i don't know. it just seems irrelevant to the rest.
maybe change it to something to do with swimming.



but I'm so close to shore
and never feeling the impact

i think the last line needs to have a subject.
maybe like. "and i'm never feeling the impact".
it just reads kind of awkwardly as it is at the moment.
or maybe add a comma to the end of the line before and
get rid of the "and" in the last line. maybe that'd be better.



I keep coming up for air
never making contact
I think I might drown
with what I'm aiming for
but I'm almost there

"drowning" seems a bit cliché, so maybe you
could find a better way to say something similar.



I'll keep punching
I'll keep struggling
What will happen
when I break my hand
when I reach the sand

again, i don't really see how "punching" works.
i think you should change it to something else.
it really doesn't seem to fit with all the swimming.
the last line seems kind of forced as well, with the rhyme.
it's not THAT bad, but the rhyme just seems sort of weak.



okay. overall, it was an alright piece.
there was nothing really original in it,
and nothing really stood out to me.
i don't know. but it wasn't horrible.
your metaphor just seemed kind of
unoriginal and the way you phrased it
didn't really do anything to make it better.
the punching lines didn't seem to make
any sense at all to me. they seemed random.
i mean. if they've got some meaning that i'm
just not seeing, then by all means, keep them.
but i just don't see their relevance to the rest.
you also really need punctuation to help with flow.

so. yeah. it was alright. it's a good effort.
just. nothing really stood out to me as great
or incredibly original. and a lot of things could
have been improved a lot from what they are.

i hope this crit is somewhat helpful for future efforts


EDIT: i just realized i read it wrong. so that kind of
helped clear up some of the confusion. but most
of what i said about it still stands. and. yeah.

I just want to sleep forever.


#6
Quote by stratkat
Crit4Crit
This may need a to be revised. I like the way it's set up, but if it becomes a huge issue I guess I'll change it, either way I don't know if anyones gonna like this. If this confuses you then read the non-italic parts first.

"Struggle"

It's something I can't touch
I can't swim
throwing a punch
but I'm so close to shore
and never feeling the impact
I keep coming up for air
never making contact
I think I might drown
with what I'm aiming for
but I'm almost there

I immensely like those first three lines. This flows hella well.

I'll keep punching
I'll keep struggling
What will happen
when I break my hand
when I reach the sand

Good closing line.

7/10
Wade in the water, child.
#7
Thanks, the first stanza was originally 2 different stanzas, but I thought it'd make it more interesting to put it up like this.

You can think of it as two different characters, one characters thoughts on a situation or situations, a multi personality thing, or pretty much however you want. I like to think of it as two different characters saying the lines at the same time or one after the other.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 24, 2007,
#8
Quote by stratkat
Crit4Crit
This may need a to be revised. I like the way it's set up, but if it becomes a huge issue I guess I'll change it, either way I don't know if anyones gonna like this. If this confuses you then read the non-italic parts first.

"Struggle"

It's something I can't touch
I can't swim
throwing a punch
but I'm so close to shore
and never feeling the impact
I keep coming up for air
never making contact
I think I might drown
with what I'm aiming for
but I'm almost there

Punctuation, seriously. I ask you this 'cos I've noted your pieces don't use this, and poetry does need punctution, you need it.

I don't like the repeat of can't in the first two lines, should be changed. "throwing a punch" just does not fit, I'd love to see you keep in the swimming image there, the flow of that line also just puts a stop to this piece. So does th eline after the shore line, and "I'm feeling the impact" would surely work better I think. I like the mixed ideas here but I don't think the execution is as good as i could have been.


I'll keep punching
I'll keep struggling
What will happen
when I break my hand
when I reach the sand

A good end, but still think the execution could have been better, the mixed lines I didn't take to as much as I think you wanted me to. Rhyming was simple and plain in this piece and I think could be worked on also. Overall, nothing specia but a nice experimentation here, I think.


Cheers
#9
dude i love that. i think i know how u meant it to be set up... i just wrote one like this, and i think it was a great idea. i think u need a better ending or something......but like.... the whole concept of it was awesome! I would like to see more of these kinds of songs
Why do I let myself drown n the tears Ive cried4u over&over again When I know that u wont rescue me?
THE HARDEST GIFT2GIVE IS LOVE U KNOW IS NOT RETURNED
Whats the point n smilin if u hav no1 2smile4
#10
Okay, I'll use puncuation on my next piece, since it's an issue. Thanks for the crits everyone. Anyone else have a comment.
#11
Struggle"

It's something I can't touch
I can't swim
throwing a punch
but I'm so close to shore
and never feeling the impact
I keep coming up for air
never making contact
I think I might drown
with what I'm aiming for
but I'm almost there

Throwing a punch threw me way off image wise here. Then "with what" sounded badly worded to me. In fact those to last lines kinda drag it down a bit, they sound too ordinary. Theres no thematical link with the rest of the lines...Other than that its nice, I like it. Water Imagery is my soft spot.

I'll keep punching
I'll keep struggling
What will happen
when I break my hand
when I reach the sand
__________________


meh I dont really care for this part, theres no gain in the piece, wheres the progression, whys he in the water, why does he struggle, and for what? I mean I dont wanna sound harsh but this part lacks finess and seriously cripples the piece.
Theres not much else I can say mind. I guess learn from this and move on.


peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.