#1
i woke up and butterflies spilled out from beneath my eyelids.
they flew down my throat and my lungs exploded
into thousands of jigsaw pieces.
breathless, i stumbled through spider webs
into a room washed in deep blue light,
and the cold december wind was muted in the air.
there was a dyslexic piano playing itself,
filling my bones with backwards chords.
i opened my mouth to sing,
and the music poured back out through my lips
in reverse, the way that it was meant to be heard.
the notes slid over my tongue, and for a second,
i tasted rapture.

I just want to sleep forever.


#2
hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm
seems like youre trying too hard to sound sad and desperate, maybe its just me
backwards chord? as a musician i cant take that seriously, please explain what you mean with that line or it will bug me all night
#3
I really enjoyed that. Not much to criticise, I like it as it is. Personally, my favourite lines are:

i woke up and butterflies spilled out from beneath my eyelids.

and

there was a dyslexic piano playing itself,
filling my bones with backwards chords.


Good stuff.

You might like to cast an eye over Some Day We'll Wake Up Dead (link in my signature), simply because it shares the same first four words
#4
i awoke in a vast wasteland ,where love and kindness rules the dark space of my mind,and color has no sound.
#6
i woke up and butterflies spilled out from beneath my eyelids.
they flew down my throat and my lungs exploded
into thousands of jigsaw pieces.

I thought that was a okay opening, but I think it could be better, change butterflies, that's what's keeping this from being a really strong intro, butterflies is just so over used.

breathless, i stumbled through spider webs
into a room washed in deep blue light,
and the cold december wind was muted in the air.

This is okay, I don't have any complaints

there was a dyslexic piano playing itself,
filling my bones with backwards chords.
i opened my mouth to sing,
and the music poured back out through my lips
in reverse, the way that it was meant to be heard.
the notes slid over my tongue, and for a second,
i tasted rapture.

Awsome, that's really good, don't change it, it's perfect. Without that part I would have dismissed this as an okay piece, the dyslexic piano thing and everything after that makes this memorable. Change the intro a little bit, and I think it would be perfect.

Please crit my latest, "Struggle" links in my sig.
#7
i thought that "butterfly" might seem kind of cliché.
but like. i'm using it in a different sense. cause.
with it, i'm trying to refer to the butterfly effect.
and i don't know how to say it without "butterfly".

if you can think of something, please share.

I just want to sleep forever.


#8
I can think of a few things, maybe cater pillar, cacoons, or maybe naming a certain type of butterfly, for example Monarchs, but now that I know you were using butterfly in a different way it's a little better
#9
well this is sort of interesting and stuff, some good things about it, but i really just dont like the way it sits there, it just seems like a run on sentence almost if you know what i mean, nothing really connecting it, altho you do have some theme to it, i dont no how elese to explain it but that just didnt work for me
#10
i thought the first half was quite well written with an eloquent flow but where others enjoyed the dyslexic piano, i became less interested at this point...i'm back onboard with 'the way it was meant...'

i liked it overall and the imagery was strong...a few things i might change but jmho.

cheers, d
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=498046&highlight=ace+high
#12
I think this tries way too hard.
and yeah butterflies is pretty cliche.
But the rest of the piece is pretty good.
Although like I said, it seems like you are just forcing imagery into the piece where it has no business being, since although images are always good to doesn't necessarily add cohesion to the piece, as there is no plot just use of images. You could probably take some of these very decent images in this piece and make them into a poem that tells a story

If you have a chance please crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511359
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jan 24, 2007,
#13
there is a story to this, though.
i guess it's just not very clear.

i guess i understand why you don't see it though.

I just want to sleep forever.


#14
The story was kind of like a myth.
Very good idea, and very colourful poetry, but at times it sounded like you were trying too hard to be random.
The dyslexic piano was a good and original idea, but it needs to be portrayed diferently.
All in all it felt like you were trying too hard, but having said that, this peice has definite potential.
Keep trying (but not too hard).
#15
first and foremost I believe poetry should be "gotten" and if it can't be, or at least not to the majority of readers, then it's got no business being a poem. the only exceptions would be 1) a poem written for personal reasons only (which I'm assuming is not the case or why would you post it here?) and 2) you only want a select group of people to get it, which is fine so long as they do.

now, I can't speak for everybody and god knows I wouldn't want to, but it does seem like most of the people that've responded didn't "get it." now, as a poet you may not find this a problem, maybe this is where we differ- obviously no two poets can be or rather should be the same, but if this were my piece and people in general were saying they didn't get it, I'd be concerned.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#16
hmm... thanks.

it's kind of personal, so i guess that might
be why people aren't understanding.

I just want to sleep forever.


#17
This is my favourite peice ive ever read on this site, i love it, good job.
#18
I agree with what mikey said. But if you've read my threads (have you? i think you have), you know that already.

And you don't give us enough context to find a deeper meaning beyond the surreal situation you describe.

And you don't give us enough detail for the situation to stand as art on its own.

Basically, I think you need to swing this piece one way or the other.
#19
actually, i kind of agree.

i'll try to add stuff and we'll see which way it swings

I just want to sleep forever.


#20
i don't think surreal poetry like this needs a clear definition. it's descriptive enough to be intriguing to an audience, but vague enough for interpretation. some poetry doesn't even need a proper interpretation to be moving (nothing comes to mind at the moment, but i'll get back to you with some abstract, surrealist poetry).

that being said, i have a couple points to make:

1) unless i'm mistaken, dyslexics don't read backwards. instead of seeing strings of letters as words, they show up as just random letters strewn about the page. i think i explained that bad, and i may be wrong, but that's the impression i'm under

2) even if dyslexia caused people to read words backwards, you can't play a chord backwards. you can invert it, or just upstroke it, but chords are groups of notes played simultaneously, and you can't do something simultaneously backwards.

but, other than that, nice piece, and good job being wierd, kyle
-Landon
#21
it is great writing but I agree with most everyone else, it just seems like you tried to hard to be different, but I don't think you have to always get something to enjoy it, and I enjoy this piece...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#22
Quote by Vicious Sid
i don't think surreal poetry like this needs a clear definition. it's descriptive enough to be intriguing to an audience, but vague enough for interpretation. some poetry doesn't even need a proper interpretation to be moving (nothing comes to mind at the moment, but i'll get back to you with some abstract, surrealist poetry).

that being said, i have a couple points to make:

1) unless i'm mistaken, dyslexics don't read backwards. instead of seeing strings of letters as words, they show up as just random letters strewn about the page. i think i explained that bad, and i may be wrong, but that's the impression i'm under

2) even if dyslexia caused people to read words backwards, you can't play a chord backwards. you can invert it, or just upstroke it, but chords are groups of notes played simultaneously, and you can't do something simultaneously backwards.

but, other than that, nice piece, and good job being wierd, kyle


haha i know dyslexia isn't actually reading backwards.
i was just referring to the social misconception, i guess.
i don't know. do you think i should get rid of it?

and. what i was trying to get at with the "backwards chords"
was like. the sounds reversed. like. you know. when you
reverse a sound clip on the computer or whatever.

that was possibly the worst explanation ever.
but hopefully you understand what i mean.

but yes. thank you very much, landon


Quote by punkrockconcept
it is great writing but I agree with most everyone else, it just seems like you tried to hard to be different, but I don't think you have to always get something to enjoy it, and I enjoy this piece...


haha everyone keeps telling me i tried too hard,
and i guess i kind of see where it's coming from,
but i really didn't try hard to be original or anything.
it just all came to me, without having to try for it.

but thank you everyoneee.

I just want to sleep forever.


#23
i understand what you meant, and it's probably not enough to bother a normal person, but you have to understand how obsessive-compulsive i am about writing. if any little thing's grammatically incorrect or a metaphor is theoretically impossible, it will drive me ****ing crazy. just as an example, i would rather have the f-word astericked out than have to spell it different or put a period or a bolded letter in the middle of it. plus, i've edited this like three times just to take out grammatical errors. so i wouldn't worry too much about it; it's just my little nitpicking.
-Landon
Last edited by Vicious Sid at Jan 25, 2007,
#24
I think people are making too big a deal about the whole backwards chord deal. It's filling his bones with non-sensical musical terms. It's not saying anyone's even playing them, so there's no need to mention it's 'impossibility', because he never suggested it was being played on the piano or anything.

It's a metaphor, fool.
#26
i woke up and butterflies spilled out from beneath my eyelids.
Love this image, though butterflies is a cliche, i like how it's used here though.
they flew down my throat and my lungs exploded
into thousands of jigsaw pieces.
However breaking into a thousand pieces is a cliche I think can be changed, though you have tried to make it better with the jugsaw reference, I feel this could be more original.
breathless, i stumbled through spider webs
into a room washed in deep blue light,
and the cold december wind was muted in the air.
As much as I would have liked to see the link with butterflies kept, I like the use of spider webs, however it is becoming quite a common image.
there was a dyslexic piano playing itself,
filling my bones with backwards chords.
Loved that.
i opened my mouth to sing,
and the music poured back out through my lips
in reverse, the way that it was meant to be heard.
the notes slid over my tongue, and for a second,
i tasted rapture.
Good end, however I didn't quite think it had that BANG sort of ending, which is what I prefer personally.


Lovely writing, but I don't think this was up to what else I have read from you

Thanks.