#1
gah, i suck. this started out pretty good then got all stiff and unimaginitive. i need help here big time.

there are notebooks on your desk
that don't get opened anymore
the handwriting's familiar
but you don't recognize the words

and it's never quite what you expect
she laid her head on your chest
and you thought you'd feel braver
but you just felt like somebody else
like a little kid that picked up
some fragile statuette
that slipped through his fingers
like she slipped through your head
like a dream you always forget
but would sleep forever just to dream it again

there are notebooks on your desk
that don't get opened anymore
and you're pretty sure you know
what a notebook closed is worth
-Landon
#2
fuck, landon.
your diction is beautiful.

you have a way of making almost
EVERYTHING sound so pretty.
and i'm incredibly jealous of you for that.

i loved it, even though it wasn't particularly imaginative.

my only problem is the ending.
i get what you were trying to do with it,
but i just don't think your last line
really does what it should.
that was the one part where
your phrasing wasn't amazing.
and it shouldn't be hard to fix either.

maybe if you even just switched
"closed" and "notebook" around.

I just want to sleep forever.


#3
Landon
YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE WRITER ON THIS SITE.
i love your work. this included.
i agree with ^^ the last line isnt really up to par with the rest of this. but other than that, wow. your first stanza is amazing, and if the last line could be that good then good job.

always a pleasure,
darkangel322
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#4
This is nice, but it seems we all share the common beef with the ending. I wanted more from it, feels like another stanza wants out.
#5
For the ending I'd combine the first and and second stanza:

There are notebooks on your desk
that don't get opened anymore,
your head is on my chest,
and my head doesn't open anymore.
Your handwriting's familiar but
I just thought I'd be braver,
if this is a dream don't wake me up.

That would be my type of ending... But every writer's unique!
Last edited by blinnk16 at Jan 23, 2007,
#6
I kind of lost you with this line "like a dream you always forget" cause it felt so normal and done before. This might be the start of the down fall of the piece, cause everything after that wasn't too great either, like you said.

I think the middle part should be a little more about the notebooks on the desk. Maybe what is in them, or what you think is in them, how they have affected you. Just an idea, but you can't expect the reader to care about the ending if there isn't anything to hold on to along the way.

If you want, my latest should be somewhere on the fornt page...i hope.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511084
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Jan 24, 2007,
#7
It's nice man, really nice, but i just didn't really connect with it, sorry

it's well written and i personally think that if you ended it with just the first stanza it would be good, as in

Noticing the note book

Remembering

Not caring about it

sort of thing i know that's not what you were probably going for but by not caring i mean putting it down, leaving it etc

Anyway can you crit my new piece? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511167
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#8
Yeha BJ pretty much covered the defining moment for me too, where it began to slip downhill. I mean in essence the whole piece is just so softly worded it works. But as BJ also said the focus is neither here nor there, the notebook needs mre coverage. Perhaps she has "I wuv Todd" in tip-ex on the outside. things like that...just something to make it different, one little line would carry the piece till the end. I think you should go for different styles now, try something new. Get a poetry book, a modern one, see where poetry is going and see if you get inspired.

"I wuv Landon"

peACE
Steve

I kinda have a stev-emo piece in my sig, under writings. if you wanna?
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
If I were you, I'd end with the word closed.

there are notebooks on your desk
that don't get opened anymore
and you're pretty sure you know
the worth of a notebook closed
Populus vult decipi. Decipiatur.

Quote by Mistress_Ibanez
It's can be a contraction and genitive case.

Quote by Mistress_Ibanez
If you cut down on these costs students won't learn so well, effecting the "quality"...
#10
steve + bj: exactly what i was wanting help with. i've been dicking with this for a long time, and it never feels right, so i think i rushed it on here out of frustration. i like the first part, and i like the middle part, i just don't like them together, even though they are very much related.

if it helps, i'll explain a personal point (as i usually do anyway). the first stanza with the notebooks is literal. i used to be very idealistic and romantic, and would write crazy emo kid poetry all the time. i then got involved with this girl, and didn't write from when i started liking her until a few months after we quit talking, about a year and a half in all. i came away from it a lot more mature, albeit being pretty bitter and pessimistic. this fall, i found my old notebooks thrown behind my dresser and took a look at them. and if i wasn't 100 percent sure that i had written all those poems, i would've never been able to tell it was me. i honest to god can't remember ever being that hopelessly idealistic in my life. i can't bring myself to throw them away, though, so i keep them kind of like you keep around pictures of relatives you never knew but still feel close to, great-great-grandparents, cousins from the boondocks, and the like.

it just feels good to be able to condense all that into one concise, compact quatrain (or couplet, depending on the line breaks). the rest is pretty self-explanatory.

if anyone read that, sorry for the long-windedness, and i'll get to work on eveyone else's.

thanks all
-Landon
#11
I lose this at this point:

and you thought you'd feel braver
but you just felt like somebody else

for the same reason that the other two pointed out, it feels very ordinary and the use of braver is just lacking, I needed something to pull me back from that and the next line did not deliver.

and judging from the explanation you just gave you really need to give that notebook life, it has a story and it would make the middle just so much stronger. Imagine how it feels being left there for so long perhaps, what it contains etc. Good luck.

and if you don't mind looking over mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511359
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead