#1
I’ve printed out persuasive essays
Saying synthetic hearts are becoming cliché.
Asking why people drink life from shot glasses
And suck the warmth out of love and conscience.
The truth is, America’s outdated
No ones “pressing” ink into paper
Amendments need amendING and I’m curious.
Can a laser printer put me in jail?
So they cut and folded my essays and
Originality into origami hearts,
Into their synthetic love.
Everyone conforms.


im unsure of how this turned out... opinions?
Last edited by TrigFunction at Feb 9, 2007,
#2
From what I remember you've done some pretty cool stuff blending life and technology together and I get the sense that you're trying to do this here, but I don't think it quite works. Yeah the printer reference is cool and all, but I think there's a lot you could do with this that you don't. What it means to be synthetic, can synthetic match real, etc etc. You've got some nice ideas but not much for us to think about, if that makes any sense.

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#3
"Amendments need amended and I’m curious."

that line didn't make any sense to me.
and the last line is way too bland for this.
i also don't like the reference to america.
it's a cultural reference which makes it
harder for other cultures to relate to it.
i mean. sure. obviously they can still relate.
but not as much as you need them to.
i just don't like the cultural reference.
maybe make it more general?

but other than that, it was okay.
it had some pretty cool ideas.

I just want to sleep forever.


#6
I realy like this, very clever. You've got an interesting point with the freedom of the press thing too. Did you mean "ammendments need ammendments"? I think that would sound better.

Could you crit one of mine?
#7
I’ve printed out persuasive essays
Saying synthetic hearts are becoming cliché.
I'd use "stating" instead of "saying" its a standard word to use.
Asking why people drink life from shot glasses
Drink is a crap world also, theres so many more effective words, with a hint, something like "suck" but i'll leave it up to you. (despite it being below)
And suck the warmth out of love and conscience.
The truth is, America’s outdated
No ones “pressing” ink into paper
Amendments need amended and I’m curious.
You mean "amending" then a comma
Can a laser printer put me in jail?
So they cut and folded my essays and
Originality into origami hearts,
Seen origami too much recently. And it means nothing other than iterating the use of fold,
Into their synthetic love.
Everyone conforms.

Didn't like the double "into" nor the lines themselves, to go from making two bold statements mid piece to ending on "everyone conforms" is weakening the piece as a whole. To me I wouldn't have ventured into saying about peoples lives (shot glass lines) and stuck with the paper theme with the ammendments taking full focus. You've tried to make a bold cultural statement, but its too broad.

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#8
the idea of being Artificial is sort of getting out-played lately.
and saying anything about one's own originality without trying to sound pompous for effect is just being pompous
and as far as word usage and the Oragami part I generally agree with Hurt Within.

I loved the overall idea, although I think it started to become a bit reaching at "Laser Printers", because amending each time technology advances would be absurd, and I just think it's taking the Constitution a little too literal.

good work, if you could please crit mine I'd appreciate it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511359
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#9
well you know ultimately, the crazy thing about it is, they could distinguish the bill of rights as actually meaning pressing ink into paper, which executive companies and most magazine companies dont do. If they chose to, they could shut all those companies down, its a rather strange concept, but possible. On the topic of origami, i was mostly addressing that as for my hate at the overusage of synthetic hearts. Ultimately, i only covered two points, the use of laser printers, and the overusage of synthetic hearts in poems on this site. Kind of tying the two together by saying no one chooses to conform, they're taken my laser printed ideas and standpoints into an origami heart, a real live synthetic heart. Obviously, i didnt express the idea too well.

EDIT: though i am glad that you recognized my argument by what was said in this poem.
#10
Quote by TrigFunction
I’ve printed out I hate this phrasing. Not here, specifically, but when people say it in real life. Granted this is a dilemma for me, as you're imitating a real life phrase in an acerbic commentary on modern life. But I don't know, "printed out"? It makes my skin crawl. persuasive essays
Saying synthetic hearts are becoming cliché.
Asking why people drink life from shot glasses
And suck the warmth out of love and conscience.
A nice few lines here.
The truth is, America’s outdated
No ones “pressing” ink into paper
Amendments need amended and I’m curious.
I agree with kyle, this doesn't make grammatical sense, and no that isn't a viable poetic choice. Sorry :-)
Can a laser printer put me in jail?
This line means nothing to me.
So they cut and folded my essays and
Originality into origami hearts,
Into their synthetic love.
Everyone conforms.
A weak way to end it. A little too obvious perhaps. But not bad.


im unsure of how this turned out... opinions?


It's a little unfocused, but it has potential. Definitely do something about that laser printer line. I can't understand why it's so lifeless. Overall, this is a piece I don't regret having been posted on UG, which is high praise.
#11
Umm, i think youll understand the laser printer if you read my explanation a few posts up :P. Also i dont get why amendments need amended and im curious line doesnt make sense. In america, we have amendments, or changes to our constitution im saying that amendments need amended... why doesnt that make sense?
#12
well. it's like if you said.
"the eggs need broken".

like. you either have to say
"the eggs need to be broken"
or "the eggs need breaking".

forgive me for the horrible example.
it was the first thing i could think of.
but does it make more sense now?
what you're saying is the exact same
as what i just said about the eggs.

i'd explain it in proper grammatical terms
if i knew the proper grammatical terms for this.
maybe someone else can help explain that?

I just want to sleep forever.


#13
pretentious. and not in a good way. you're trying to be socially provocative but it just comes off as cheap because you're doing it in a way that has been done to death. if you have issues with a society, than they should be your own and should express them how you feel they should be expressed. part of revolution is revolting against the revolters.
#14
"Amended": participle

Participle=adjective or adverb form of a verb

"need": verb

verb should be followed by direct object
which means noun or pronoun in the objective case

"amended" is not a noun or pronoun


"to be amended" = infinitive, which is a noun
"amending" = gerund, which is a noun
"amended" = not a noun
#18
He's right. It should read:

"Amendments need to be amended"

Not that I care, but hey, I support Grammar Nazism.
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#19
No.

"amendments" is the subject
why? because the amendments are the ones doing the needing, the action of the verb.
"amendments need..." is the subject/verb
You need a subject/verb/direct object

so even if amended was an adverb
(which it's not, it's a past participle that functions as an adjective)
it still wouldn't be right
because a direct object HAS TO BE A NOUN OR PRONOUN

"amended" is NOT A NOUN OR A PRONOUN
It is an ADJECTIVAL participle

"to be amended" would be a noun (infinitive)
"amending" would be a noun (gerund)

RIGHT: amendments need amending
RIGHT: amendments need to be amended
WRONG: amendments need amended

I don't know how to make this clearer.
#20
I think I like this. It seems to have some form of originality. I like the vibe I got from this piece. It was kind of a matter-of-factly tone that I got. Like straight forward without flirtation with the point. I liked that. What I didn't like and this is just me but the reference to America being outdated, though true, I just think I see so many people using America as the automatic example for failure or obsoletion (sp?). Maybe if you find some sort of synonym for America. That's just my opinion though.

Other than that I like the work good stuff
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#22
I just think the whole America thing is played out, not to bash your piece, I like it for what it is. But the theme just seems waaay overdone. You've called my piece unoriginal and I admitted it's cliche bits, you could at least say "yeah it was cliche but that was the point I was making" or something along those lines.

Like I said props to the piece but I just don't like the theme, there are wayyyy too many American themed songs in this world. It just seemed like just another "L0l @m3r!c@ is t3h sux0rz" kind of song. Maybe I mis-interpreted it, it's possible everyone makes mistakes that's just my crit. Don't like it, well pay no mind I mean after all I am just a lowly 07er that doesn't mean a thing anyway .
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#23
meh i dont mean to argue or nothing. but to me it just seems like its cliche because i said yours was :P if i wanted you to return a crit i wouldnt of picked this one its not good ill admit that but i really dont think its unoriginal. The theme behind it is just how the bill of rights is outdated persay "freedom of the press" that originally meant freedom to press ink into paper (the printing press) but now with laser printers its technically not protected by the constitution whatsoever. i mean find me another piece on this site about that... and i will give you props.
#24
Sorry but that is one of the most poorly written songs ive ever had the displeasure to feast my eyes upon.You should burn in hell.America sucks.Get a life.