#1
I hit a block with my story, so I hope this will suffice...

***
I never thought that smile
would ever leave his face;
except when he came at me,
came at me.

Surely, he could've gave up long ago,
while sleeping in stranger's beds.
Death he would tease
until it almost became him;
that's the day he fled.

It was somewhere away
from up or down,
far or near.
He trudged and climbed
before there was time to contemplate
the grip he once had;
no, that I had,
within him.
Firm, digging,
for every ounce amongst an ounce.
That was the day he came at me,
like he wasn’t afraid of me.

I could've remembered,
And I still can,
if there is reason,
but there never is.

Complete this thought,
this image for me darling.
Synchronize it with your own,
and all the ones we've missed,
but only by mere miles;
decades upon petals of moments.
Glancing blows
that could crumble into so much more than a whisper;
the whisper you had to hear before you came at me.

Before you became 'you'
without me.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Feb 8, 2007,
#2
I really want to know what happens with the robbery. I hope you can continue writing it soon, but there's no need to hurry.

I liked this, but not a whole lot. The only parts I really like are the last two stanzas, and I thought the third stanza was pretty good.


this image for me darling.
I never thought that smile
except when he came at me,


^I think there are three characters, right? In the middle of reading it I kept mixing up the narrator with the main character. I don't really have any other complaints, I think the main reason I didn't care for it a whole lot is cause I couldn't piece it together.

Please crit my latest "Stuggle" links in my sig.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 24, 2007,
#3
Well, the narrator was talking 'about' the other person at first, then was kind of talking straight to him at the end. I actually have the narrator as a mom missing her son.

As for my story, it really means a lot that you are into it; very inspiring to me. I actually have most of the next installment written, just trying to figure out how all the character originally met. If you have any ideas, feel free to share them whenever.

Thanks again, and I will take a peek at that soon.
#4
Well I can't come up with alot of ideas, school, or maybe places the characters used to, or currently work. I'll edit this if I come up with anything.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 24, 2007,
#5
na, don't worry about it; I have enough support from you by just reading them.
#6
i really like alot of the language used here, and descriptions like "glancing blows" really show alot about your ability for description.

what really detracts from this piece is just the overuse of pronouns. it really gives such a sense of vagueness that it makes it hard to delve into the piece. I wasn't so confused about who was who, its just that it did give that atmosphere. I'm not saying use names, either.

anyway, i likes, but the pronoun thing is a major flaw.