#1
you come running down a dream into my living room
trip the table and well, i almost caught your eye
between the glass and the running dogs and quiet tinkling of glass on
cauterized, clean tiles
i caught a smile that hit me like an Ali hook, shattered my sternum and set loose my heart
which promptly lept up, carefully manuevered around the glass and
Luckily, landed safely in your eyes

all i could do was watch
because for my part, i had nothing to do with it at all
#2
It's a really cool way of saying what's been said before. I guess that's a compliment, cause it's always nice to put a breath of fresh air into things like this, but I can't call it 100% original. Let's settle for 905 original and 10% cliche and call it a deal. It is fun, though.

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#3
I *REALLY* liked this. Put me in mind of At The Drive-In, could almost be spoken over music. Very well done indeed. Short, but very good.
#4
this is good, alhough some of the bits of the sogn are a little brief
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#7
Yay Jay.

Apologies for not getting to your other one, though I doubt I could find much to fault with your writing anyway.

This is quite different to what I know as your writing. Nice and fresh though, which is good. The one thing I have to point out is I'm not entirely liking the fact that it is all one big, run-on sentence. That's it, because I liked this piece, rhe rhyming and flow was spot on as usual, as was the repeat of eye/eyes, and tinkling of glass is an image I like so, yeah, good once more sir. Bravo.

If you could take a look at the one in my sig, twould be appreciated. Cheers bud
#9
jamie--

just to address the run on sentence bit-- i purposely left this (and a lot of my pieces)free of punctuation not because it is necessarily a run on sentence, but because it gives the reader a large amount of autonomy in deciding how to read this. i'm not telling you where sentences begin and end, and as such, there are multiple readings of this poem depending on how one's mind breaks it up. for example, if you put a period after "i caught your eye", then between the tinkling of glass on tiles in when you caught the smile that hit you like an Ali hook. OR, you could put the period after the cauterized clean tiles, and then you are catching her eye while the glass gently tinkles to the ground, and the bit about the smile happened in the instant AFTER that. its a bit hokey, i guess, but i like it.

getting to yours soon--

--jay
#10
The word glass was used too often
Cauterize seemed like it was there just because the word sounded cool, it's just too strong, maybe use bleached or something...
Ali Hook could surely be replaced by something a little more.... poetic wouldn't you think?
ending was a bit unsatisfying, I felt like I needed more.

Other than that good work, enjoyed it good story telling. If you can manage to get to mine i'd appreciate it very much: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511359
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jan 24, 2007,
#13
Quote by Phoebus
jamie--

just to address the run on sentence bit-- i purposely left this (and a lot of my pieces)free of punctuation not because it is necessarily a run on sentence, but because it gives the reader a large amount of autonomy in deciding how to read this. i'm not telling you where sentences begin and end, and as such, there are multiple readings of this poem depending on how one's mind breaks it up. for example, if you put a period after "i caught your eye", then between the tinkling of glass on tiles in when you caught the smile that hit you like an Ali hook. OR, you could put the period after the cauterized clean tiles, and then you are catching her eye while the glass gently tinkles to the ground, and the bit about the smile happened in the instant AFTER that. its a bit hokey, i guess, but i like it.

getting to yours soon--

--jay


I agree, I hate full stops to. I was just attempting to find something


Cheers.