#1
Thirty Bullies Far From Town

We tore six days a week apart,
Eleven years of Windsor knots,
For them to choose our poster boys,
The biggest kids to pick our fights.
So hold your breath and go pound the drum,
I’ll cross my heart and raise the flag,
And let the man in black begin
The funeral march of marionettes.

When the flashbulbs lit up your face,
You claimed the kid as one of yours,
But now the film set has been knocked down
It’s “Oh hang the kids that crossed the line.”
I grab your knees in this strong embrace
And we collide like skidding cars,
But we will wipe our filthy hands
And we will scream hip-hip-hooray.

[Chorus]
I’ve got a chip on my shoulder the size of Big Ben,
It’s dragging me down like it was strapped to my back.
And I’m just one year older, but it happened again,
We're all apathetic when you find yourself under attack.


This is one good excuse for keeping thirty bullies far from the town.
#2
While this was very basic in content, I still liked it, except for a few spots, mainly the final line of stanza 2 and I really just didn't like the Chorus. I think it should be "we're all apathetic UNTIL..." as well. Didn't really like the ending. Also the quoted bit in the second stanza seemed awkward. That is all.

If you could please crit mine if you have time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511359
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#4
We tore six days a week apart,
Eleven years of Windsor knots,
For them to choose our poster boys,
The biggest kids to pick our fights.
So hold your breath and go pound the drum,
I’ll cross my heart and raise the flag,
And let the man in black begin
The funeral march of marionettes.

When the flashbulbs lit up your face,
You claimed the kid as one of yours,
But now the film set has been knocked down
It’s “Oh hang the kids that crossed the line.”
I grab your knees in this strong embrace
And we collide like skidding cars,
But we will wipe our filthy hands
And we will scream hip-hip-hooray.

[Chorus]
I’ve got a chip on my shoulder the size of Big Ben,
It’s dragging me down like it was strapped to my back.
And I’m just one year older, but it happened again,
We're all apathetic when you find yourself under attack.

Ha nice, very nice, if you know the band it reminded me of Million Dead a whole lot. My fav band I might add. This was original and thought provoking. Theres nothing more I can say. Theres no lines I thought needed attention, or let the piece down. Very solid man.

i'll be looking out for more.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
I think it should be "we're all apathetic UNTIL..." as well.


That would totally change the meaning. I thought the lyrics were great. No cliches, and good rhymes. Awesome Job.
#6
Thank you very much guys, I worked hard on these, so I appreciate the comments so much. I look forward to posting some more, and reading your lyrics too! Hurt Within, I loved "Untitled #4", I believe I commented on it actually. I'll check you others out now.