#1
crit for crit per the usual custom. It's short, I wrote it on the back of a late pass, which will also result in some unnatural breaks, I'll try to make it as coherent as possible.

This Engine Has Seized
--------------------------------------
Alone above Her heart
Where Stained Glass grooves have shone
For so very long,
A glint of Silver hovers
Delicately depicting
The Killing of the Son.

Passed between bouquets of Flowers
And from Mother's Mortal Life
Once worn around her Daughter's neck
Will melt as candles,
Lit by Lovers,
Lonely through the waning Night.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jan 25, 2007,
#2
Puncutation is desperately needed here, it is difficult to read without.

I think you need to make you main point much clearer. The first stanza for me was going in a religious direction and then I felt it wasn't carried through.

Yeah, the main thing I think needs work is getting your main idea across clearly and concisely, but cleverly.
#3
well it's only two sentences, so punctuation isn't really required, just read through the end-lines as though each stanza is a sentence. I added some punctuation though.

And as for meaning, I think it's quite clear, but I won't give it away, because if I had titled this poem something more pertinent, it would have given it away rather easily. Something you wear perhaps?
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#4
ah, i think i see what it's about. the first paragraph, i'm positive. the second, i have an idea of what it's saying, but i'm not entirely sure it's right. either way, nice descriptive piece. i think it lacks a little detail (another paragraph perhaps, or something of the like to wrap it up), but you've done well so far.
-Landon
#5
my only complaint is the length of the sentences.
they give a really long-winded feel to the piece,
and i don't think that it fits the actual writing.

but other than that, good job.
it was a nice little piece.

I just want to sleep forever.


#6
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
crit for crit per the usual custom. It's short, I wrote it on the back of a late pass, which will also result in some unnatural breaks, I'll try to make it as coherent as possible.

This Engine Has Seized
--------------------------------------
Alone above Her heart
Where Stained Glass grooves have shone
For so very long,
A glint of Silver hovers
Delicately depicting
The Killing of the Son.

"stained glass" is a HUUUGE cliche, but it's forgiven here, because unlike most people, you used it well. Everything else here looks good.

Passed between bouquets of Flowers
And from Mother's Mortal Life
Once worn around her Daughter's neck
Will melt as candles,
Lit by Lovers,
Lonely through the waning Night.
Fantastic imagery, excellent wording, the whole sha-bang. Those last three lines are what really win me over.

Good stuff.

Mine's in my sig, if you don't mind critting it.
Wade in the water, child.
#7
Thanks for the crits you guys
I'm glad that you guys "get it"
as far as the sentences being long winded, no that was not the intent, nor was it to make you read it all at once, there are quite a few stops in this poem where you should take a breath.
I also doubt I'll make it longer, I've just had this idea kicking around for a while and wanted to get rid of it. Plus I think it finishes itself quite well, any additional stanzas would shift the focus I think..
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
crit for crit per the usual custom. It's short, I wrote it on the back of a late pass, which will also result in some unnatural breaks, I'll try to make it as coherent as possible.

This Engine Has Seized
--------------------------------------
Alone above Her heart I don't like this line at all; very cliche in my opinion.
Where Stained Glass grooves have shone
For so very long, Reword this, it's extremely forced, and songs awkward.
A glint of Silver hovers
Delicately depicting
The Killing of the Son.
The rest was much better than the two lines i pointed out.
Passed between bouquets of Flowers
And from Mother's Mortal Life
Once worn around her Daughter's neck
Will melt as candles,
Lit by Lovers,
Lonely through the waning Night.
This part is extremely confusing... i have know idea what you are trying to say because of the lack of personal pronouns. You need to highlight what is passed between bouquets of flowers and that sort of thing. In fact, you need to clarify every line i'd say. For me, it's far too vague.

You had some good ideas here, but you weren't efficient or clinical enough at conveying them i reckon.
Anyway, not bad at all.

Edit: Forgot to say, it needs clarity most of all.
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Jan 26, 2007,
#9
its good and all, you just gata get ur point more clearly expressed, im left hanging here having no idea wat its about. other than that, i like it.
#10
What if I had titled it "the Necklace"
it's a pretty simple concept I'm surprised more people didn't catch on.
The focus of the entire thing is on that.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jan 28, 2007,
#12
Hey man, sorry it to me so long to return the crit, I'm uber busy at uni. But here goes!

Quote by Knife2aGunFight


This Engine Has Seized

Alone above Her heart
Where Stained Glass grooves have shone
I quite like this, however I think the word "shone" is too simplistic, perhaps "gleamed" or something like that? I just think simpler words undermine what is a really intellgient piece.
For so very long,
A glint of Silver hovers
Delicately depicting
The Killing of the Son.
I like this very much, but unless I'm mistaken, "hover" should be "hovered" as the rest is in the past tense...?

Passed between bouquets of Flowers
And from Mother's Mortal Life
Once worn around her Daughter's neck
Will melt as candles,
Lit by Lovers,
Lonely through the waning Night.

Don't have anything to say to this, it's very good, and I love the imagery.


Good work man, I liked it.