#1
My piece for the grand championship competition. I'd rather you guys get familiar with it now than later, because it's going to win.

Your Cue, A Gloaming Zeppelin.

A filigree anatomy,
she escalates into space.
A satellite now;
she leans against the earth
and to float weightlessly.
I climb a spinal staircase
built from brittle skeletons
that inhabit the invisible streets
of Tokyo.

Aneurysms from my lips,
to infinity,
to an enormous sky.
Through a storm of scars.
My voice stiffens and becomes guttural,
and sounds off like a snare drum.
She whispers...
Milk white laughter
into fuzz and static.
Binary space needles
turn manual to automatic,
and the gun metal burns cosmic
as we lift each other
up against scrap metal framework.
Our posh isolation
becomes lethargic and we descend
back into the humanity of children.
I know you're listening now.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jan 26, 2007,
#2
Pretty badace, I caught a lot of references to past works of yours in this as well.

I like what I see and fear for those facing you in the competition.
#3
I want it to mark an end to all these metaphors I use for certain girls and various emotions. I want to start new and experimental things and hopefully when this grand championship is over I'll be able to do so without any limitations.

so that's why there is a collection of everything I've written in the past few months.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#4
"Milk white laughter"

beautiful.
Wade in the water, child.
#5
Yes like you said,with the metaphors and images, this reminds me of what I read of Govermans lately, but I like this better I think.

It seems like you are forcing all of these images and just using words because of their connotations without really getting a feel for their meaning. Not saying that you don't understand the meanings of the words, just that they seem to be just this big conglomerate of words that adds to mood but not overall cohesiveness.

A few errors, I think it should be "brittle skeletons that inhabit" not "inhabits". Also I didn't like that the two phrases that contained "metal" and "turns" were so close to each other.

But this is good work, but like I said it seems to try too hard, and go for that Cedric Bixler vibe, which is getting played out.

If you can crit mine I'd appreciate it, 31 some odd views no crits!, bah https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511359
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#6
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
I think it should be "brittle skeletons that inhabit" not "inhabits".

'inhabits' is correct. the subject is 'staircase', not 'skeletons', so the verb is singular. and by the way, i made perfect on the english section of my ACT .

anyway, good job again Matt. you, sir, have become a very solid writer, and i hope you continue to expand. you've yet to write something that i haven't enjoyed at least a little bit.

edit: after kyle's post, i think i may have read that line wrong. matt, some clarification, please
-Landon
Last edited by Vicious Sid at Jan 25, 2007,
#7
Quote by Vicious Sid
'inhabits' is correct. the subject is 'staircase', not 'skeletons', so the verb is singular. and by the way, i made perfect on the english section of my ACT .

anyway, good job again Matt. you, sir, have become a very solid writer, and i hope you continue to expand. you've yet to write something that i haven't enjoyed at least a little bit.

actually, i think the skeletons are the subject.
unless I'M mistaken, i think he's talking about
the skeletons inhabiting the streets of tokyo?

i don't know. that's how i read it.

but anyways, matt. good piece.
i don't really have any complaints.

She whispers...
Milk white laughter
into fuzz and static.
Binary space needles
turn manual to automatic,
and the gun metal burns cosmic
as we lift each other
up against scrap metal framework.


i loved that bit.

I just want to sleep forever.


#8
it's the word "the" in the line, it throws off everything, let me remove it, the grammar is perfect, the word "the" makes it skeletons a definate article while it shouldn't be.
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#11
act is just a retarded version of the sat. i got like a 740 on the english sat. smd landon.

this was good, i liked it. you'll probably lose though.