#1
I'm not handing out crits just now because of illness, so should anyone crit this, you'll find your name on my critlist.

My mind fluttered like an urban butterfly
Evading the poorest of light-sabre nets
I took an English Rose and popped her in my pocket
Even though she wore the policeman’s blue vest

And I asked her if she’d care to dance
She threw her arms up in the air
And stamped her feet on the drizzled cobblestones
“The fête is tomorrow and there is much to prepare.”

With verdant eyes her gaze she cast
Looked upon the sea-captain tied to the mast
O how he shouts for someone to help
The burning sun slowly begins to melt…

We walked hand in hand through the park
We never realised we were followed by the dark
The wasps stung at nothing then fell like bricks to the ground
And the tea-leaf merchants communicated via ultrasound

And sellers of breads which stick to walls of gold
Asked us if there were any stories being told
There was talk of Zirconium being forced to leave the town
They answered back with two worrisome frowns

The day dawned so brightly we had to close our eyes
So we both lay there together thinking of unspoken wicked lies
The clock downstairs chimed three times so we stood up
Hand in hand, then kitchen, there were no clean cups

And the big-hatted man with his tricks so well done
The old Mother Hubbard and her skin-and-bone son
They say idling the day away in the caravan
Those road-weary souls had travelled ten weeks from Yerevan

My heart skipped beats but the brass band played on
Despite the feelings in my chest, like a raging storm
The umbrella-seller asked me if I was all right
He said I looked like a deathly kind of white

He passed away the night of the fête
The sky was overcast and the hour was late
And fluttering by was a steel-eyed white dove
Like the urban butterfly which lived in my love
#2
I do love how this uses such a simple rhyme scheme yet manages to keep it interesting throughout. Great stuff. The ending was great, but I think, my only complaint, would be that it took too long getting there, I began to fatigue about halfway through, more than likely due to the wordiness of some of the stanzas, the like of which began at Stanza 4.
Also regarding the use of the word "via" there, for some reason I didn't like it, it disrupted the pretty sounds you had going on there, possibly intentional.

Basically if there is some way to foreshorten our arrival at the fete, I think I would have found it more enjoyable, but still very good work. Loved the way the way butterfly was used at the beginning and end, but the length I think impedes this effect as well.
If you find the time please crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=511359
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jan 25, 2007,
#3
ya i agree with that first guy that you could have taken a lot out between the begining and the end. i also think that one line he mentioned sounded too long. um, you have a lot of rhyming and some of it sounds a bit forced but it also seems to come off pretty naturaly, so idk how i really feel about that but its probly not bad. ya other than that stuff i really loved this, it was a very differant perspective, at least the way i read it, i definitly got more out of the begining and ending part than all that stuff in the middle. but ya, sorry if i sounds negative, it really is very good
#4
Thanks both of you. My intentions for this were so it would be a story, and stories are generally not that short, so I doubt I'll do much to the length. You've now both been added to my critlist, which I shall rectify next week hopefully.
#5
I better be on that critlist

I've said before I think, you've nailed this style. Go experiment with different rhymes, structures, meters, syllables, words, languages, themes, topics, metaphors, flows, fonts, sizes and everything.