#1
crit for crit

Reflections in a Cemetery

I wake from a trance to find myself in a cemetery,
I think, though it may just be a memory:
A painful wound that I wish I could leave amidst the gravestones.
The wind speaks for the dead as it softly moans:
“Never forget. Never forget.”

And my eyes sting with unshed tears that I will not shed,
Because a river of tears cannot save the dead.
I have decided that it is better to know then to feel,
To know the story that is seven times sealed,
And never forget. Never forget.

Even so, my Christian heart pulls me to love and forgive,
So I have forgiven those who still live:
Those murderers with scientific, calculating minds
And an animal hatred that made them blind.
Even then, I will never forget. Never forget.
#3
Quote by doctor_rocker

I wake from a trance to find myself in a cemetery,
I think, though it may just be a memory:
A painful wound that I wish I could leave amidst the gravestones.
The wind speaks for the dead as it softly moans:
“Never forget. Never forget.”

How could that be a memory? That doesn't make sense. This is pretty decent though.

And my eyes sting with unshed tears that I will not shed,
Because a river of tears cannot save the dead.
I have decided that it is better to know then to feel,
To know the story that is seven times sealed,
And never forget. Never forget.

Unshed tears that you won't shed, huh? Redundant... x2. (See what I did there?) Anyway, this is pretty decent too. I like how you play off of cliches, but I think you need to connect them more.

Even so, my Christian heart pulls me to love and forgive,
So I have forgiven those who still live:
Those murderers with scientific, calculating minds
And an animal hatred that made them blind.
Even then, I will never forget. Never forget.

So... are you dead? Neat. Good ending, I like it, but I don't like the 4th line. "Animal hatred" just seems... bad to me.


Nice work, with a neat twist.

Work on connecting the border-line cliche ideas to one another (The river of tears connect that to the next line) and then you're good.

This is pretty good work though. I like the simplistic rhyming. It works here.

"Bayonet", on the front page, if you don't mind.
#4
I love the idea and I love the twist at the end. I think it's a little choppy. You've got some great imagery, but you trip over yourself at times. Like here:

And my eyes sting with unshed tears that I will not shed,


This is just poorly worded. Stuff like this is not enough to ruin the whole thing, but it's enough to keep it from being perfect.

Rock On
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#5
Quote by Petey Cook
I love the idea and I love the twist at the end. I think it's a little choppy. You've got some great imagery, but you trip over yourself at times. Like here:

This is just poorly worded. Stuff like this is not enough to ruin the whole thing, but it's enough to keep it from being perfect.

Rock On


Yeah, that didn't ruin the piece, but it definately didn't help it.