I'm wanting to get into song writing and this is my first feeble attempt at it so please don't flame me too much because, well, I tried. Please tell me what I need to do more and what I need to do less in my writing using this song as an example. I know it's not finished and I'm sorry, but I didn't want to do all of it if I was doing something wrong. Thanks a lot.

Verse 1:

Can’t you see what’s happening here?
We’re falling apart. We’re about to disappear.
Every second I look at you,
I see I’m no longer whole when you’re not near.

It hurts all the time; I feel it in my soul.
I fear I’m losing you and I don’t know where
At night I lie awake, I dream about you.
I don’t know how I could ever live without you.

But if I could turn back time you know I would, to see your face, to feel your embrace.
If I ever hurt you then you know I never meant to do you so wrong.
I’ll do whatever it takes and I promise you I’ll learn from my mistakes.
I’ll do whatever it takes to see you again.
Its not to bad man, the chorus is a bit long IMO. And dont use so many I's and personally im a not a big fan of first person...

But remember man, you make the rules because there are none
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yeah, the words are kind of said quickly so it cuts down on time. what could I do instead of the first person thing? how do i fix that?
It does seem a bit confusing considering the structure, so at times it's hard to see how it would be sung. The first verse is probably set up the best, not a bad start. The second part there really isn't any scheme, which most times the first verse will mainly have the same set up, not always...but most of the time. The chorus is a bit long, so maybe throwing in a bridge would help that out a lot. So that's my main constructive criticism would be working on setting up the song a lil bit better, know what I mean? As far as content, it's your song so you can take that anywhere you want. Good luck with the writing.

If you have time, could ya crit mine. "No Comforting Words"