#1
You folk fans should know what this is all about.

Crit For Crit. :]

Robert Zimmerman Reinvented Electricity

On a dust coated stage under newport sun
an acoustic man held an electric guitar
screeching sonic booms to a country crowd and
they covered their ears as he pounded their drums
his lips parted hard over screaming dismay,
speaking in allegoric expression: I
heard you got a hunger for social revolution
well I got your fix in a raw strung melody
I like to call it the rennaisance remedy
And no one gave change a chance, as the crowds piled out
But I think you could see beyond the trample
A pretty blonde girl speaking sugar cube tongues,
plant a dandeline by her virgin temple,
listening, smiling sweet and channeling out the boos.
Last edited by clichealias at Feb 9, 2007,
#2
love the pounded their drums.... as in ear drums... very nice
Don't try engaging me
The vaguest of shrugs
The prescription drugs
You'll never find
A person inside

Quote by saphrax
I agree with This End Up
#4
this is great, man. this is, in my opinion, one of the greatest things ive seen on this site

"A blonde pretty girl speaking sugar cube tongues"

thats poetry, right there

wonderful
#5
Quote by Jearl
this is great, man. this is, in my opinion, one of the greatest things ive seen on this site

"A blonde pretty girl speaking sugar cube tongues"

thats poetry, right there

wonderful


:]

That was my personal favorite line as well.
#6
"A blonde pretty girl speaking sugar cube tongues,"

I would suggest changing this to 'pretty blonde girl' just because it sounds better to the ear. Other than that this is really good. I liked it a lot.


I'd appreciate it if you'd crit my song. Thanks.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
#7
Quote by screamsoftly
"A blonde pretty girl speaking sugar cube tongues,"

I would suggest changing this to 'pretty blonde girl' just because it sounds better to the ear. Other than that this is really good. I liked it a lot.


I'd appreciate it if you'd crit my song. Thanks.


Heyy man, thanks, I don't know though, I like the way that sounds. Anyone else have an opinion on that line, or the entire thing?

I'll get to your song in the morning man, right now I'm just super lazy...
#8
It feels a lot like a story, and moving along so quickly like it is really happening in a sense. It is simple, yet effective enough to make you think. Very interesting.

If you get the chance, check out the Prize, thanks
#9
I love the reminiscent feel of the song. I agree that blonde, pretty girl should be changed to pretty blonde girl. It's much less awkward.

I'm also unsure as to how somebody's temple can be virgin.

If you get the chance check out 'Water' and 'Heartbroken Is...'
Your Majesty | All Lyrics/Melody/Piano/Guitar parts written by me. Please have a listen.
#10
Heyy, I don't typically do this. But I thought I'd let you guys in on the significance of this piece.

It is about as non-fiction as the story of the titanic. The song is about Bob Dylan(robert zimmerman) going electric at a folk festival in newport.

The lyrics are not the same as he sung(hence "allegoric expression"), and the girl at the end is a symbol of the effectiveness of the event, extremely evident by the rest of the crowd or not.

And I just found out my ex bassist wants to do a folk project with this and other songs I write. I'm thinking about some soft trumpets too, I just need to find a player. So yeah, you can expect more writing like this from me.

I'm going to critique you guys' pieces right now, seeing as today is the first day I have off of work until friday.
Last edited by clichealias at Jan 28, 2007,
#12
Very good.

Your stlye reminds me of a casual Dylan (obviosly) mixed with some Baudelaire.

EDIT: I don't expact a proper crit of 'Introduction', but a few words would be nice.
Last edited by _Mayday_ at Jan 28, 2007,
#15
Quote by clichealias
You folk fans should know what this is all about.

Crit For Crit. :]

Robert Zimmerman Reinvented Electricity

On a dust coated stage under newport sun
an accoustic man held an electric guitar
screeching sonic booms to a country crowd and
they covered their ears as he pounded their drums
his lips parted hard over screaming dismay,
speaking in allegoric expression: I

Loved the 'pounded their drums' line, it took me a few reads to appreciate the musical and biological (eardrums) side to it, I love layered meanings!

heard you got a hunger for social revolution
well I got your fix in a raw strung melody
I like to call it the rennaisance remedy

These 3 lines gave me chills! Poetic genius.

And no one gave change a chance, as the crowds piled out
But I think you could see beyond the trample
A pretty blonde girl speaking sugar cube tongues,
plant a dandeline by her virgin temple,
listening, smiling sweet and channeling out the boos.

You portrayed the innocence of the girl here really well.



I didn't previously know about the story behind this but I looked it up and it all fits pretty well!

The only thing I would say is that I couldn't sing it in my head too easily, like I couldn't simulate the rhythm and pace. Also, the sporadic rhyming was a little confusing, but overall one of the best I've seen on the site so far.

Crit mine please? It's in the sig.

Cheers
#16
yep I'm a huge Dylan fan, and this song is great, it's a wonderful tribute and also would work fine as a stand alone song also,

so many different techniques you are using, you've taken a really potent moment in history and illustrated it beautifully.

there's not a huge point in me critiqueing much in it specifically because it's pretty obvious you have a better grasp of prose/poetic language than I do anyway,

I wouldn't change a word.
thanks for writing this,
The mind is not a vessel to be filled, it is a fire to be kindled.
#18
This is really impressive. Really.

One thing I'd really change - the title blows. Seriously, the only reason I didn't read and crit this right away was the title - it smacked of teenage melodrama and pretension. Now, on to my feelings about the post itself...

The whole feel of this piece is so kinetic, so in-motion, and I love that. It reminds me of a Picasso-style painting. I get a feeling of being literally swept upwards into the poem. The "acoustic man holding an electric guitar" is so apropos and so perfect. Amazing work, dude.

Anyways, if you feel like critting mine...

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=521652
My Last.fm Account

My Band

Quote by Jackal58
JoHNNERz you sir are my hero of the moment.
#19
Very nice work. Im not much of a songwriter/critiquer, but I thought Id add my two cents that I think the title is fine. Its clever, although doesnt compare to some of the lines of the song. "I heard you got a hunger for social revolution, well I got your fix in a raw strung melody" Solid
Theres no need to apologize for the riot in your eyes
#20
On a dust coated stage under newport sun
an accoustic man held an electric guitar
screeching sonic booms to a country crowd and
they covered their ears as he pounded their drums


one c in acoustic. this is my favorite part of the song, no problems so far.


his lips parted hard over screaming dismay,
speaking in allegoric expression: I
heard you got a hunger for social revolution
well I got your fix in a raw strung melody
I like to call it the rennaisance remedy

this didn't do much for me but it gets across what it needs to. I can't get into "his lips parted hard" 1) it's passive, 2) it's a weird way to think about screaming, it doesn't seem like the main thing that goes on there. and I always think of lips parting as a soft thing.


And no one gave change a chance, as the crowds piled out
But I think you could see beyond the trample
A pretty blonde girl speaking sugar cube tongues,
plant a dandeline by her virgin temple,
listening, smiling sweet and channeling out the boos.

I'd ditch and since the next line is the same sentence and uses but. I really like the image and meaning of the second to last line but I think it needs to be reworded. this whole thing is in working sentences and that line doesn't. actually, the more I think about it the more confusing the end gets. the way it's worded that girl could be in the past or the present. I would think past since the rest is past tense but then I get the feel the girl is in the present from "plant" and the ambiguity of "ing" words. so I don't know how I'd reword it exactly. I guess the easiest fix would be something along the lines of "A pretty blonde girl speaking sugar cube tongues, listening, smiling sweet and channeling out the boos, planted (or plants if it's present) a dandeline by her virgin temple."


edit: I read the post two above me on the title: don't change it.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#21
Thanks for the indepth critique.

In regards to the line about screaming dismay, I'm not saying dylan was screaming, so what you said was not applicable.

And the tense in the last lines is covered because this is a tense inside a tense, the narrator is telling you what you can see, "But I think you could see beyond the trample" Anything from then on is covered by that.
#22
I disagree about the tense thing but am too tired to remember/say why.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in