#1
I'm wanting to get into song writing and this is my first feeble attempt at it so please don't flame me too much because, well, I tried. Please tell me what I need to do more and what I need to do less in my writing using this song as an example. I know it's not finished and I'm sorry, but I didn't want to do all of it if I was doing something wrong. Thanks a lot.


Verse 1:

Can’t you see what’s happening here?
We’re falling apart. We’re about to disappear.
Every second I look at you,
I see I’m no longer whole when you’re not near.

It hurts all the time; I feel it in my soul.
I fear I’m losing you and I don’t know where
At night I lie awake, I dream about you.
I don’t know how I could ever live without you.

Chorus:

But if I could turn back time you know I would, to see your face, to feel your embrace.
If I ever hurt you then you know I never meant to do you so wrong.
I’ll do whatever it takes and I promise you I’ll learn from my mistakes.
I’ll do whatever it takes to see you again.
#2
Verse 1:

Can’t you see what’s happening here?
We’re falling apart. We’re about to disappear.
Every second I look at you,
I see I’m no longer whole when you’re not near.
VERY GOOD OPENING.ITS PERFECT

It hurts all the time; I feel it in my soul.
I fear I’m losing you and I don’t know where
At night I lie awake, I dream about you.
I don’t know how I could ever live without you.
THIS VERSE IS OK, EXPECT FOR THE " I DREAM OF YOU" ITS YOU COULD USE BETTER WORDS TO SAY IT, LIKE MABE" I LONG FOR YOU" SO MANY PPLE SAY THAT THEY DREAM OF SOMEBODY.
Chorus:

But if I could turn back time you know I would, to see your face, to feel your embrace.
If I ever hurt you then you know I never meant to do you so wrong.
I’ll do whatever it takes and I promise you I’ll learn from my mistakes.
I’ll do whatever it takes to see you again.
THIS IS TO LONG SIDE WAYS, TRY PUTING IT LIKE THIS...

But if I could turn back time
you know I would, to see your face,
to feel your embrace.
If I ever hurt you then you know
I never meant to do you so wrong.
I’ll do whatever it takes and I promise you
I’ll learn from my mistakes.
I’ll do whatever it takes to see you again.
PLUS YOU SAY "I" OR "I'LL" SO MUCH IN THE VERSE.

BUT VERY GOOD.9/10

CRIT MINE
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=513467