#1
Crit for crit. etc. thanks.


The blanks have been filled with words.
And were aching for emptier lures.
Because the hook cant stay stable,
if were cutting the string.
I believe in everything I say.

And leaving is the cure for regret.
The medicine lasts even when you forget.
Because compassion breeds failure,
and enough wont breed faith.
So we stay closed in and keep running away.

Oh, but I cant quite mean just what I say.
Because everything real's a game.
It's played on a board,
and we cross our berets.
We arent trying to be correct anyway.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
Last edited by screamsoftly at Feb 15, 2007,
#2
Maybe it's just me, but reading it kinda felt different than most of the stuff kept in this section at UG. I was able to make a bare connection sometimes with REM, and sometimes Tool played at the back of my head. Very possible that I'm completely off the league here, just my two cents.

I liked the way it dawdled casually, moving from one line to another and as a reader I was prone to to notice the imagery blooming. What does this song mean ? I tried reading it again to understand, and then again ... it reminded me of the sunny afternoons one tends to shift from one part of the conversation to another. I'm impressed ... seriously. Way to go.

If I can correct one thing in this song, I'd tell you to go for a 'second' chorus, maybe and also a bridge. Because it kinda feels incomplete, and the ending was too abrupt.

If possible, I'd like you to crit my lyric.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=513368
Wanna feel divine? Light candles around a dark and abondoned room, then play your guitar.
#3
Well, see the chorus didnt actually go with the song. It was just three verses. I took something I found randomly in a notebook that looked like it fit and I put it in there. So, definitely I would add a second chorus later like you said.

About the meaning. It's actually about not being sure what you are trying to say. About being sure of yourself without really knowing why and stuff like that. I didnt really write about anything in particular, but that is a pretty general idea.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
#4
Ahhh ... now that makes some sense, knowing the background story some. Thanks for that.
Wanna feel divine? Light candles around a dark and abondoned room, then play your guitar.
#6
Verse:
The blanks have been filled with words.
And were aching for emptier lures.
Because the hook cant stay stable,
if were cutting the string.
I believe in everything I say.


This was good. I understand the whole self-belief aspect. However I dont know how its to be said when you say:

Because the hook cant stay stable,
if were cutting the string.

Is it a typo? Oh well its still good :P.


And leaving is the cure for regret.
The medicine lasts even when you forget.
Because compassion breeds failure,
and enough wont breed faith.
So we stay closed in and keep running away.


This was really well written too. The regret and rorget went together well even though they are obvious rhymes. they worked well here. This entire verse was written well actually. Good

Chorus-ish:
But all this time we've been trying to cry,
Because the bottom of the bottle is the best place to die,
But we've been breaking our backs for our principles,
When we cant help but lose to reality.


The last part didnt really rhyme with it well. But the first three lines were good. i would eliminate the But's because they sound kind of out of place. Only changes I would make.

Verse:
Oh, but I cant quite mean just what I say.
Because everything real's a game.
It's played on a board,
and we cross our berets.
We arent trying to be correct anyway.


I would say that this was written well except you mught want to add 'just' in between 'real's' and 'a'. It might make it flow a bit better.

overall you did Well and I enjoyed reading it.

Good Job.
#7
Thanks.

And a lot of what seems like typos probably comes from hatred of apostrophes. So when I type things like 'were', I usually mean we're, which can be confusing I suppose.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
#8
And leaving is the cure for regret.
The medicine lasts even when you forget.
Because compassion breeds failure,
and enough wont breed faith.
So we stay closed in and keep running away.


that has to be without a doubt the best stanza, I love it. the flow is amazing, and the rhyme scheme is pretty nice as well

As a whole this seems like a nice song. I love the idea it has and the picture it paints.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#9
"So we stay closed in and keep running away."
"But all this time we've been trying to cry"


those are the only two lines i have a problem with.
they're boring in comparison to the rest of the piece.
other than that, this was surprisingly well-written.
just. please use apostrophes. your lack of them
makes everything so much more difficult to read.

but this was much better than any song by a
"new" writer than i've seen in a really long time.

good job.

I just want to sleep forever.


#10
Thanks.

I'll crit some of your stuff when I get a chance.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
#11
Hmm, I don't know why, but I couldn't really get into this. Not to say there's any real flaws or qualms I have with it, there's just something about it that didn't attract me. Like all your ideas are good, but I don't know... haha sorry this is such a vague and crappy crit. However, I really liked the last verse, like a lot. haha um yeah, sorry, I'm running on like one hour of sleep, but I'll leave you with a "good job" because really the only thing I can nit-pick is some unidentifiable feeling that I experience for unknown personal reasons when reading this. But really, good piece, nice job.
#12
I liked it apart from the bottle line in the chorus. I think i can see what this will be like with some music and it's not half bad man. Great work
#13
really liked it. the verses were strong, the only weak point might be the chorus, it might be just me but i dont think that it flowed with the rest of the songwriting
Guitars
Fender Highway One Telecaster
Squier Affinity Strat
Alvarez Acoustic

Amp
Crate GLX65

Pedals
Digitech RP120
Boss Chromatic Pedal Tuner

Strings
Dean Markley 10's

Member of the Zeppelinism Faith
PM TheHeartbreaker to join
#14
Quote by redweekrocker
really liked it. the verses were strong, the only weak point might be the chorus, it might be just me but i dont think that it flowed with the rest of the songwriting


Yeah, like I said earlier, I actually pulled the chorus from something else and stuck it in there because I felt that it needed a chorus, I think I'm gonna take it out right now though.

Because I really dislike it.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.