#1
crit for a crit.


ending, darkness consuming
receding from eternal light,
could be your last hope for salvation tonight.
no quick fix can end the torturing begun.

you sit still wondering if its time
to end you darkest pain.
finishing the story, or start over.
we still await a final call,
or mabe we were to late
and it wasnt heard at all.

you keep sending out the call
for him to end it all.
take away pain,
take the feeling back.
you dont care the cost its brought.

will you seem to,
drip silently to the floor?
(piece by piece)
violent red shown before,reflected once more,
from the sight of the moonlight.
will you ever see it again?
i dont think you can.

can you pickup your thoughts,
and be able to call it a mistake?
(once more)
or can your heart only continue to fake,
the signs of the living?

you keep sending out the call
for him to end it all.
take away pain,
take the feeling back.
you dont care the cost its brought.

things can change with time,
eventualy ending without life.
but it all depends how soon,
you ask it to come.
will you see it through?
or force it upon?

you keep sending out the call
for him to end it all.
take away pain,
take the feeling back.
you dont care the cost its brought.

as we gather,
around to memorialize,
your youth now shown with frozen eyes.
you sank deeply and forever below ground
our hearts could only follow along.
knowing this all couldnt be more wrong.

ended,darkness consumed,
receded from eternal life.
was your salvation tonight.
contentment for you,
sorrow for us.
this doesnt seem right
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Jan 28, 2007,
#3
Quote by takamine12
little emo


well yea it does sound emo,the rest of my songs tend to sound that way 2 for some reason.lol. but come on, nobody is telling me wat they think of it, i have like 120 views, but 1 comment. crit for a crit.
#4
Well, it's good, it's well written, but I have to say, it's very dark, and songs like this are usually well written, but sound the same. They portray the same image of either desperation, betrayal, hate, depression etc. I feel they sound like they're written by the same person.
#5
well thx for ur crit, and i guess i see ur point.lots of pple write about things like this, but even tho they have the same topic, its all about how they express themselves about it making each one unique. but good point.
#6
It's a good piece of work in my opinion. I like the imagery you use. IDK what type of music you listen to, so It's not easy to recognize how the song would go. However, if its like hawthorne heights or the used or something like that, it sound pretty well related. I dont really know much about those two bands other than one or two songs. Overall though, it's a good and dark piece. Just watch for some mistakes, there were isn't many but if you happen to revise it, watch for repetition. good job though

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=513599

if you could crit mine that would be cool thanks
#7
well i listen to emo/little bit of screamo, so this song would have a dark erie sound to it, with screaming a line every now and then, but jsut a little.
#9
Hey dude thx for crit on my piece

it's good dude nice one hope to see some more of your stuff
#10

ending, darkness consuming
receding from eternal light,
could be your last hope for salvation tonight.
no quick fix can end the torturing begun.Doesn't flow too well IMO, interesting, sets off a dark feeling

you sit still wondering if its time
to end your darkest pain.
finishing the story, or start over.
we still await a final call,
or mabe we were to late
and it wasnt heard at all.Flows alot better than the first verse, everything is getting alot darker

you keep sending out the call
for him to end it all.
take away pain,
take the feeling back.
you dont care the cost its brought.Doesn't flow too well, it's okay for a chorus, nothing special

will you seem to,
drip silently to the floor?
(piece by piece)
violent red shown before,reflected once more,
from the sight of the moonlight.
will you ever see it again?
i dont think you can.I love the imagery, it really painted a picture in my mind

can you pickup your thoughts,
and be able to call it a mistake?
(once more)
or can your heart only continue to fake,
the signs of the living?Again, nothing special, not to bad...okay

you keep sending out the call
for him to end it all.
take away pain,
take the feeling back.
you dont care the cost its brought.

things can change with time,
eventualy ending without life.
but it all depends how soon,
you ask it to come.
will you see it through?
or force it upon?Flowed well, until the end, seems awkward

you keep sending out the call
for him to end it all.
take away pain,
take the feeling back.
you dont care the cost its brought.

as we gather,
around to memorialize,
your youth now shown with frozen eyes.
sink down in the ground did you,
our hearts could only follow along.
knowing this all couldnt be more wrong.Again, okay, I don't really like the yoda talk in L4

ended,darkness consumed,
receded from eternal life.
was your salvation tonight.
contentment for you,
sorrow for us.
this doesnt seem right at all.Eh...not liking it, reminiscant of the first verse, still doesn't flow well.

I didn't really like it, didn't flow well, plus a little too dark for me, but that's more of an opinion thing. You should definately touch up on it, it would really improve it. 6/10 IMO.
BTW, thanks for the crit on mine.
#14
ok its awesome I would need to hear your riff to it to accurately grade it. but i pretty well know whats its gonna sound like. This would sound great with lots of power chords and harmonics. (guess my band cant use it huh?) lol anyway, I rate it a 7/10 but only because I dont know how it goes. lyrics i would rate 9/10. PM me to reply to this cause I wont keep coming back.

later,

GNR_metalhead14
#15
You are bumping the piece alot with your own replies, you've even double posted, slow down on it and let others bump it for you.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.