#1
Well I guess I'm gonna lose you now
Can't get the taste of you out of mind
So I try to take in this fresh air
But I can't resist her haze

There's just one thing that I will not give
It's my lungs, or I just won't be real,
Without them I'm just a Manican
Because baby, breathing is what makes us real
Breathing out brings me to the stars

Your a quick negotiator because
You always tell me what I'm getting
That's why I find you, and pick you up
I wish you didn't have a price
I'd just watch you grow
We can celebrate when you ain't
Growing no more
And your gift from god
Hits the prize

There's just one thing that I will not give
It's my lungs, no, It's my lungs
But If I did would I feel real?
Would I believe it first hand?
Will the fear inside me leave a
Soft contagious whisper
Will it make me laugh
When laughing isn't the
First choice on my mind

Let me feel the need
Let me just desire it
Maybe If I turn it's way
The Heart Can keep its rhythm

Before I'm all fresh I want to try
and make something work between us
Just allow me to fly
Higher, Higher

Your opinion my friend
Means much to you
What means much to me
Is the thought of saying whats true
Well I ain't lying baby
But for sometime now, my vision has disappeared
And all I see is smoke girl


[REVISED]


Crits will be cool. I'll crit back

Anyways, I like to see this song as more of a late 60's/ early 70's style of music. I was somewhat inspired my some of the Hendrix music, and pretty much wrote this when I had full concentration on what I wanted to write about. I think this would be better suited for a bass type of song, with some great background guitar.
Last edited by ClutchPhotos at Jan 28, 2007,
#2

Well I guess I'm gonna lose you now
Can't get the taste of you out of mind
So I try to take in this fresh air
And I will resist her hazeInteresting beginning but doesn't flow too well IMO

There's just one thing that I will not give
It's my lungs, or I just won't be real
Just won't be real,
No I Just won't be realA nit too repetitive, not giving your lungs is really interesting, not sure what you mean

Your a quick negotiator because
You always tell me what I'm getting
That's why I find you, and pick you up
I wish my wealth couldn't restict me from you
But the daddy holds your back and keeps you away
From folks just like, me and youDoesn't really flow IMO, but other than that it's ok, nothing special

There's just one thing that I will not give
It's my lungs, no, It's my lungs
But If I did would I feel real?
Would I believe it first hand?
Will the fear inside me leave a
Soft contagious whisper
Will it make me laugh
When laughing isn't the first choice on my mindAgain, doesn't flow too well, also I'm not sure what you mean when you refer to your lungs...

Let me feel the need
Let me just desire it
Maybe If I turn it's way
The Heart Can keep its rhythmIt flows well, but creativitivly(is that even a word?) it doesn't wow me.

Before I'm all fresh
I want to try and make something work
between us, If I try and make something
fall off they're feet and breakHuh??? Sorry, but it didn't flow too well and made little sense

Your opinion my friend
Means much to you
What means much to me
Is the thought of saying whats true
Well I ain't lying baby
But for sometime now, my vision has disappeared
And all I see is smoke girl ###flows well, intersting too...not sure what the #'s are there for...

Eh...I didn't really like it. It didn't flow very well, seemed interesting at some points and boring at others, like I was drifting in and out of it. overall I'd say a 5/10
If you get a chance could you crit mine? Thanks
(check my sig)
#3
I wasn't too able to write last night, so I made some mistakes.

Also, the reason why I put this song as The Prize is because, the person who is in the song values something of his more than something else, which is being his lungs. If you didn't catch it, this song is heavily surrounded by marijuana if you look carefully. There are some mistakes, and I didn't put a general rhyme scheme down. But thanks, I'll crit shortly
#5
Quote by ClutchPhotos
Well I guess I'm gonna lose you now
Can't get the taste of you out of mind
So I try to take in this fresh air
But I can't resist her haze
THIS IS OK,BUT THE LAST LINE DOESNT SEEM TO FIT

There's just one thing that I will not give
It's my lungs, or I just won't be real,
Without them I'm just a Manican
Because baby, breathing is what makes us real
Breathing out brings me to the stars
OK,VERY GOOD,ONLY PROBLEM IS YOU USED "REAL" TWICE.TRY TO SWITCH IT UP AT THE END OF EACH LINE MORE.

Your a quick negotiator because
You always tell me what I'm getting
That's why I find you, and pick you up-"AND PICK YOU UP" DOSNT SEEM TO FIT.
I wish you didn't have a price
I'd just watch you grow
We can celebrate when you ain't
Growing no more-THIS LINE DOESNT WORK WELL WITH IT
And your gift from god
Hits the prize


There's just one thing that I will not give
It's my lungs, no, It's my lungs
But If I did would I feel real?
Would I believe it first hand?
Will the fear inside me leave a
Soft contagious whisper
Will it make me laugh
When laughing isn't the
First choice on my mind
VERY GOOD

Let me feel the need
Let me just desire it
Maybe If I turn it's way
The Heart Can keep its rhythm
DECENT

Before I'm all fresh I want to try
and make something work between us
Just allow me to fly
Higher, Higher
I DONT UNDER STAND THE"BEFORE IM FRESH"

Your opinion my friend
Means much to you
What means much to me
Is the thought of saying whats true
Well I ain't lying baby
But for sometime now, my vision has disappeared
And all I see is smoke girl


[REVISED]


Crits will be cool. I'll crit back

Anyways, I like to see this song as more of a late 60's/ early 70's style of music. I was somewhat inspired my some of the Hendrix music, and pretty much wrote this when I had full concentration on what I wanted to write about. I think this would be better suited for a bass type of song, with some great background guitar.


ITS DECENT OVERAL, WITH GOOD PARTS AND THEN DECENT PARTS, I GIVE IT 7/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=513467
#6
When someone is high, but burnt out somewhat, they are becoming more aware and less effected by weed, which would overall make them brand new, or fresh. But thanks a lot for the crit I appreciate it

Anyone else? i will crit your piece back
#7
Ehh I dunno about this man, the topic is very overdone. I enjoyed some of the lines, but I think it could have held more significance, and had an alternative meaning. I liked this one a lot "Can't get the taste of you out of mind"... just the way that's put sounds great to me. I guess I'm partial to the whole hearing faces and seeing tastes sort of psychadelic transferent senses.

But I think you could do better than this.

-Jacob