#1
Crit4Crit

There's a light rain
that's leaving little dots
on my black shirt.
I'm sitting on a
park bench that's
spotted with dirt.
I'm looking at the
words that I
scratched into the paint,
they're still clear,
but the memories fade.

Then I have a weird thought,
how do good memories become so painful?
Is it because we miss the one's we had them with
or is it because we miss the moment?
Maybe it's regret that makes me feel this way.

When I snap out of thought I'm drenched,
maybe I think to much.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 28, 2007,
#5
There's a light rain
that's leaving little dots
on my black shirt.
I'm sitting on a
park bench that's
spotted with dirt.
I'm looking at the
words that I
scratched into the paint,
they're still clear,
but the memories fade.

This is seeming nice :] I think you could go with a more flowery line for the finishing line, though. The memories fade just seems a little to typical for the beauty of the rest of this.

Then I have a weird thought,
how do good memories become so painful?
Is it because we miss the one's we had them with
or is it because we miss the moment?
Maybe it's regret that makes me feel this way.
When I snap out of thought I'm drenched,
maybe I think to much.

Hmmm.... I think this is all far too blunt for this to live up to the first stanza. Work on this, and make the second stanza more interesting, and worthy of it's prelude.

But, keep writing man.

If you get a chance, I'd appreciate you checking out one of the pieces on the top of my signature :]
#6
The main idea- that introduced in the last line many times before, really. I think all poets have written about it in their own ways. If you are, you can't be so blunt about it. Really, you can't.

Make the execution of the idea more original. not tooting my horn but check my piece in the 1vs1 with Mike. Basically the same prinicple, not paying attention and then BAM she's gone, but I tried not to be so blunt with it all.

Good to see you got your punctuation sorted out, though.

#7
I'm looking at the
words that I
scratched into the paint,
they're still clear,
but the memories fade.

~that is the best part.. i loves it. it is amazing

and

Then I have a weird thought,
how do good memories become so painful?
Is it because we miss the one's we had them with
or is it because we miss the moment?

~that gave me something awesome to think about...

great job!!
Why do I let myself drown n the tears Ive cried4u over&over again When I know that u wont rescue me?
THE HARDEST GIFT2GIVE IS LOVE U KNOW IS NOT RETURNED
Whats the point n smilin if u hav no1 2smile4