#1
This came to me in a dream, and then i woke up and wrote it down.

By the way this isnt supposed to be emo or anything like that... reading it without the music behind it might seem that way...But its not.

EDIT: I reworked the suggested parts, and this is what I came to:

A Slow Day.

My Day starts off slow.
Imagine the world not spinning.
Why should I think of tommorow,
When it seems todays not beggining?

Falling from a thousand feet,
Heart is at a constant beat,
Here comes the ground like a fastball,
Time to take a break on the asphalt.

Turn on the tele feeling blue,
Flip to a show on world war 2,
The thoughts swarm into my head,
Time to paint the town cherry red.

I walk in to work with my game plan,
Step one: Hiroshima, Japan.
Step two: Hadnt thought that far...
And out a window I can see a police car.

Too bad 'cause todays not over,
My actions are set a hair-trigger,
Red rover send destruction over,
Today just gets bigger and bigger.

Falling from a thousand feet,
Heart is at a constant beat,
Here comes the ground like a fastball,
Time to take a break on the asphalt.

The Police station is cold in July,
The Copper gave me a wry goodbye,
Put me in my cell and walked off,
Too bad the chump left the lock off.

Falling from a thousand feet,
Heart is at a constant beat,
Here comes the ground like a fastball,
Time to take a break on the asphalt.

But now heres the climax,
The very top of my peak,
I whip out my gun,
And the bullets streak,
Im almost finished,
I can feel life plummet.
I made my hike up,
just to jump off the summit.

Falling from a thousand feet,
Heart is at a constant beat,
Here comes the ground like a fastball,
Time to take a break on the asphalt.
Last edited by Greenguy32123 at Jan 28, 2007,
#2
My Day starts off slow.
Imagine the world not spinning.
Why should I think of tommorow,
When it seems today's not beggining?
i like thise verse alot, its perfect how it is


Falling from a thousand feet,
Heart is at a constant beat,
Here comes the ground like a fastball,
Time to take a break on the asphalt.

this perfect how it is too

Started some shit with my boss,
I Got fired so i went ballistic,
I think i caused him memory loss,
The police said i am sadistic.
Too bad 'cause todays not over,
If i can, then im gonna risk it.
Red rover send destruction over,
I cant wait because im....

ok, i dont really like this verse at all. i dont like the first to lines of it, and the rest of the rhyming sounds a little forced,just mabe reword the verse differntly


Police station is cold when its summer,
Got busted? Oh thats a bummer.
Police are like ice on the roads,
But me im TNT when it explodes!

ok, this verse is decent, but i dont like the first 2 lines again, the "bummer"
sounds like a forced rhyme here, and i dont think it works to well with it.

But now heres the climax,
The very top of my peak,
I whip out my gun,
And the bullets streak,
Im almost finished,
I can feel life plummet.
I made my hike up,
just to jump off the summit.

this verse is perfect how it is


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=513467
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Jan 28, 2007,
#5
hmm, i like it. its kind of every day life lyrics. im fed up of these emo/love songs

4/5
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#6
Quote by Greenguy32123
This came to me in a dream, and then i woke up and wrote it down.

By the way this isnt supposed to be emo or anything like that... reading it without the music behind it might seem that way...But its not.

EDIT: I reworked the suggested parts, and this is what I came to:

A Slow Day.

My Day starts off slow.
Imagine the world not spinning.
Why should I think of tommorow,
When it seems todays not beggining?

Falling from a thousand feet,
Heart is at a constant beat,
Here comes the ground like a fastball,
Time to take a break on the asphalt.

Turn on the tele feeling blue,
Flip to a show on world war 2,
The thoughts swarm into my head,
Time to paint the town cherry red.

I walk in to work with my game plan,
Step one: Hiroshima, Japan.
Step two: Hadnt thought that far...
And out a window I can see a police car.
I really liked the Step 1/Step 2 thing. That was pretty cool...overall, a good verse.

Too bad 'cause todays not over,
My actions are set a hair-trigger,
This line wasn't very effective to me. The idea of the line is, good, but you've got that "a" in there, which doesn't really seem to go anywhere.
Red rover send destruction over,
Today just gets bigger and bigger.

Falling from a thousand feet,
Heart is at a constant beat,
Here comes the ground like a fastball,
Time to take a break on the asphalt.

The Police station is cold in July,
The Copper gave me a wry goodbye,
Put me in my cell and walked off,
Too bad the chump left the lock off.
This last line was funny...

Falling from a thousand feet,
Heart is at a constant beat,
Here comes the ground like a fastball,
Time to take a break on the asphalt.

But now heres the climax,
The very top of my peak,
I whip out my gun,
And the bullets streak,
Ok, I'm being a nit-pick here, but perhaps you could find another word besides streak? For some reason that rhyme just didn't sit right with me. Sounded a wee bit cliche. Not overly so, but still...
Im almost finished,
I can feel life plummet.
I made my hike up,
just to jump off the summit.
These last two lines here were good, I liked that.

Falling from a thousand feet,
Heart is at a constant beat,
Here comes the ground like a fastball,
Time to take a break on the asphalt.


Good work, this has definitely got potential. I hope I was able to be of some assistance...

If you wouldn't mind, crit my latest song? link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=517233

Cheers and good luck!
#7
nice overall, but there are several small issues. The flow, for one, is kind of sketchy at some points. I know not too many people care about this, and sometimes it comes naturally, but meter. This piece doesn't really have meter, that is, a pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables. Won't go into depth there, but that kind of pattern helps a lot with the flow.

Rhyme scheme, kind of bland, but it works.

I personally didn't think it was that emo (even with out the music )

Good, jsut a few rough edges.
#9
wow dude, I like. you're pretty talented. like, someone said above, there might be some rhythm issues, but without hearing the music to it, it's hard to tell.
#10
I Love Reading the Song, But Just As you Seen Before It Has Some Rhythm Issues,
But Other Than That Its A Graet Song, It Focuses On Life Now.

Keep Writeing And You'll Get Better