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#1
ok i kno its long, tell me which verse is ur least favorite, i will consider ppls choses, and edit it and make it shorter. thx for ur help, crit for crit.

open up your eyes
like the first time
do you see it?
i know i can too
re-awaken ive become
how about you?

open up your eyes
like the first time
do you see how for we've grownfrom what we proudly used to stand for.
do you see the misery,yea,misery?

curiosity sparked temptation
to investigate,invade the other nationwhat ever happend to words
as guns speak minds for them
they fight to save thier life
while explotions signal another omen

death omen
see the signal high in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain

why would the sun choose to shine
on war lands that show no good
many people are dying
while grown men brought to crying
familys facing loses no one should
why why why why?

visions of explotions surround thee
as all hearing escapes me
if only my sight would folow suit
mind races as i think what to do
no time to ponder today
as i give life back to you

death omen
see the signal high in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain

i hold your life in my hands
gracefully prolonging another death
your eyes speak of family
im sorry but you wont go free
as eyes closed i pray with gasping breath
please lord let this cycle end

think of the time they'll miss.......
i dont wana kill anyones father.....

death omen
see the signal high in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain

if only thier voices were heard
if only the dead could speak
they'ed talk of destruction and call out
why did you do this to me?

(and thts it. sorry i kno its long, its about war. crit for crit, thx.)
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Feb 9, 2007,
#6
very long, you better not have any solos in this or people will be bored to tears unless you sing with lots, and i mean lots, of passion and emotion
#7
well yea i guess ur right, but i listen to a7x, where they have like 7min songs, but their songs have tons of long instrument only parts, so id liek to do they same, only have more singing, but i would plan on putting a solo in this
#8
Not really my thing generally, but there are some interesting points.

I'm not sure if it's just your writing style, but personally all the grammar and spelling issues bother me as I read it. As does the lack of capital letters at the start of each line. But I'm just being fussy, that's largely irrelevant.

"death omen
see the signal in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain"
With a good guitar riff this could work well as a chorus, pretty standard rhyming, but there's nothing wrong with that either

"why would the sun choose to shine" I like that for some reason

Sorry, that's about all. Not really into political songs, but that's just me.
#9
ok thx, i realize the chorus is basic, but i wanted it to be that way on purpose,i figured it would sound better that way.thx
#10
wow... Thats deep, when you get the instumentals down let me know. This has the potential to be an amazing song. I'd love to hear it. Nice Piece.
#11
its pretty frickin sweet man. It could possibly be too long, but i listen to A7X, i don't have much of a problem with it. Others might though.
#12
damn... thats pretty cool!


"i hold your life in my hands
gracefully prolonging another death
your eyes speak of family
im sorry but you wont go free
as eyes closed i pray with gasping breath
please lord let this cycle end"


i like that part
#13
Thaks for the crit!!
Kinda liked this one It's flows very well trough the whole song.
It has very good metaphors,but I think that you could make it a bit shorter.
I also liked this part for some reason? "why would the sun choose to shine"
Very nice... I give it a 8½/10
Esp Ltd Viper Fm-200 with EMG HZ-4
Roland MicroCube
EHX Metal Muff
#15
i think it was good, except for the part where (death omen was repeated) it got kind of repetitive. try to do something like sum 41's we're all to blame, ex. "our tragedies ( you can't define me or justify greed) bought in the land of the free (land, free) ". i dont know just a thought. good luck! i hope it comes out great.
#16
or you could do something like every other rock band and repeat something over and over again.
#17
open up your eyes
like the first time
do you see it?
i know i can too
re-awaken ive become
how about you?

This is great, except I think I would add commas in L3 and L4 to help for reading purposes, but this is a great opening stanza.

open up your eyes
like the first time
do you see how for we've grown
from once we proudly used to stand for.

I like what your saying here, but I'm not sure I can get a feel for the flow. I think it's the "once" in the last line thats throwing me off, but that's just my opinion if it works for you keep it.

do you see the misery,yea,misery?

simple but effective, I'm not real sure about the "yea" in the middle but the repetition of "mysery" would sound good as an echo in my opinion

death omen
see the signal in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain

great chorus except its "gonna"

curiosity sparked temptation
to investigate,invade the other nation
what ever happend to words
as guns speak minds for them
they fight to save thier life
while explotions signal another omen

I like this stanza better than the first, alot better actually. I wouldnt change anything except the spelling of "thier" to "their"


death omen
see the signal in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain

see above

why would the sun choose to shine
on war lands that show no good
many people are dying
while grown men brought to crying
familys facing loses no one should
why why why why?

this stanza is only ok compared to the one above it, the "many people are dying" line seems a little weak, and I cant get into the "why, why" thing, it just seems like you couldn't think of anything to fit with shine, maybe elaborate on the line a little and end it in why would suit it better, but like everything else that's strictly opinion.


visions of explotions surround thee
as all hearing escapes me
if only my sight would folow suit
mind races as i think what to do
no time to ponder today
as i give life back to you

I like this stanza, it's not my favorite but it's close to being as good as that other one.


death omen
see the signal in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain

i hold your life in my hands
gracefully prolonging another death
your eyes speak of family
im sorry but you wont go free
as eyes closed i pray with gasping breath
please lord let this cycle end

basically the same as I said for the stanza above it. I don't really see anything wrong with it, but it's still second tier compared to that other stanza in my opinion.

guilt runs in deep
built up tall, cant tear it down
cant take more of this
think of the time they'll miss
give me time to turn it around
i dont wana kill anyones father

you continue well but like the other stanzas. I like the last line except there is another "n" in wanna.


death omen
see the signal in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain

if only thier voices were heard
if only the dead could speak
theyed speak of destruction and call out
why did you do this to me?

I like this ending except instead of repeating "speak" maybe replace it with "talk" which would also sound good up against "call" later on in the line.

Good job man, I liked this alot keep it up and thanks for the crit.
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#18
Not bad, most of what I was going to say has been covered.

I think that the chorus is a little lame and sort of reminded me of batman if he were in a bad Ratt cover band trying to branch into originals.

On the plus side...
curiosity sparked temptation
to investigate,invade the other nation
what ever happend to words
as guns speak minds for them
they fight to save thier life
while explotions signal another omen

That is extremely cool!
Keep it up!

{First Songwriting Attempt}


Gear:
Ernie Ball Musicman LTD ED Rosewood
Peavey JSX Head/Cab
Crybaby Wah

Pearl Drums (Remo Heads)
Fender Bass/Amp
#19
It flowed wonderfully, but when I was singing it in my head it was kind of happy. Only big suggestion would be to change death omen to something else, it seemed cheesy.
#20
well, what i would do is i would have it sound somthing like a mix from "The trooper" from iron maden and "mia" by avenged sevenfold.but i would DEFENTLY not have it sounding happy.
#21
First of all, thanks for the crit, I really appreciate it. I enjoyed reading this piece. The flow was really good and I liked the wording. The only problem I have with this piece is the repition of "death omen". Personally, I'm not a fan of repition and I tyhinkn it might get annoying. Other than that small gripe evrything seems in order. Nice job and keep it up.
#22
Hey dude

really great writing there keep it up i like the simple chorus you got there real nice song ya got well done
#24
I think it's great, maybe too long, but I like it!
It's very political, I like it!

Please, check out mine! "There's a party on tonight"
#25
Yeah its very long dude, but still a good piece. Might want to get rid of anything you dont like 100% though. I think it would be intresting to hear with music. Also I think you went to the chorus to many times. Maybe just go through the verses without hitting the chorus the first two verse and it might sound better. Just my opinion.
#26
1st- grammar and spelling. Go get a dictionary, and read some books, it will help you execute your ideas far more sensibly.

2nd- Seriously, this topic is overdone. Alot. No matter what you say to convince me, this did nothing new for the topic. Accept it.

Try and make your pieces flow. Check the syllable count, how words flow into each other. Like I said, reading will make you a better writer, and you will learn so much from it. Spell properly aswell, it really helps.

Don't fall into the trap of war/political songs. It had been done hundreds of times before. If you feel you must, then try and do it originally, like form an absurd point of view or something. This did nothing new, I'm afraid.

Keep on writin'
#29
Quote by Jammydude44
1st- grammar and spelling. Go get a dictionary, and read some books, it will help you execute your ideas far more sensibly.

2nd- Seriously, this topic is overdone. Alot. No matter what you say to convince me, this did nothing new for the topic. Accept it.

Try and make your pieces flow. Check the syllable count, how words flow into each other. Like I said, reading will make you a better writer, and you will learn so much from it. Spell properly aswell, it really helps.

Don't fall into the trap of war/political songs. It had been done hundreds of times before. If you feel you must, then try and do it originally, like form an absurd point of view or something. This did nothing new, I'm afraid.

Keep on writin'


I second that 100%

I guess the spelling doesn't really matter since youll be singing this song, but grammar mistakes are definitely a problem. Like here for instance

"many people are dying
while grown men brought to crying"

did you just forget the "are" as in "are brought..." ?

Meh, I'm not a big fan of political topics in music, but keep it up!
#32
The Main Course Would Sound Better If A Great Guitar Solo was Introduced.
But Other Than That, Love The Song Bro.
#34
Thanks for the crit man. This was actually the first song I looked at when I came to this forum. I liked it then and I still like it. For some reason I keep seeing it sung by SOAD.
#35
open up your eyes
like the first time
do you see it?
i know i can too
re-awaken ive become
how about you?

open up your eyes
like the first time
do you see how for we've grown
from what we proudly used to stand for.

do you see the misery,yea,misery? take out yea, misery?

curiosity sparked temptation
to investigate,invade the other nation
what ever happend to words
as guns speak minds for them
they fight to save thier life
while explotions signal another omen

death omen
see the signal high in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain

possibly swtch two lines in this stanza
why would the sun choose to shine
on war lands that show no good
many people are dying
while grown men brought to cryingthis one
familys facing loses no one shouldand this one.. its your call.. its fine either way just a suggestion
why why why why?

visions of explotions surround thee
as all hearing escapes me
if only my sight would folow suit
mind races as i think what to do
no time to ponder today
as i give life back to you


death omen
see the signal high in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain

i hold your life in my hands
gracefully prolonging another death
your eyes speak of family
im sorry but you wont go free
as eyes closed i pray with gasping breath
please lord let this cycle end

guilt runs in deep
built up tall, cant tear it down
cant take more of this
think of the time they'll miss
give me time to turn it around
i dont wana kill anyones father


death omen
see the signal high in the sky
(death omen)
you know more are gana die
(death omen)
human lives forever changed
so many lives took invain

if only thier voices were heard
if only the dead could speak
they'ed talk of destruction and call out
why did you do this to me?


This is a great write man. Thanks for putting a critic on my write as well. Keep up the nice work
#36
sounds like it would be a really good metal or hardcore song. i really like some of the verses, it is a bit long though, but its not boring.

- Faisal
Quote by jxljxl
Fais wins at life


The obscenely young leader of the Laney Cult


Member of the EHX Guild
#37
very nice. I like it. I personally can't give that much advice without hearing the music, because there's a lot of music that can make ok lyrics sound amazing. and I personally like long songs (I listen to tool, mars volta), just make sure you keep it interesting for however long it lasts.
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