#1
this is a song i'm working on for valentine's day for my gf...its acoustic with light strumming while i'm singing, then a little 8 beat riff between each couplet, lemme know what you think, thanks

Sunday Afternoon
well she was friday night
and i was sunday afternoon

chasing after her
was like the sun chasing the moon

just a simple guy
with a girl who'd steal your breath

that was my only dream
since the day that we had met

well we took the chance
and i put her hand in mine

and i knew right there
that we could pass the test of time

they...said...it...can't...last

you...might...fly...high
but then you'll crash

well a few months went by
and we grew closer every week

we'd stay up late at night
and talk ourselves into sweet sleep

then one moment came
and it seemed to last a year

lying in my arms
she said 3 words i couldn't hear

(no music)she said i love you

(instrumental break 30 seconds or so)

now the years have passed
and we don't claim to know the world

we only know the fact
that i'm a boy and she's my girl

no longer friday night
and i'm no sunday afternoon

but when the morning comes
seems like the sun has caught the moon
Last edited by bmac85 at Jan 26, 2008,
#4
I liked it.. one line bothered me.. where you said

"And talk ourselves into sweet sleep"

Just seemed like it would fit a little better if it said

"And talk ourselves to sleep"

But thats just me.. other than that.. good job.. keep up the good work!
c4c? Time Didn't Wait For Us
#5
This one's excellent as well, and I think I actually like it better than the other one, not to take away from that one though. The only thing I'd really consider changing is what the dude above me said, I know the word "sweet" is used to describe sleep, but it just seems like a filler, other than keep it up....
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#6
I enjoyed this seemed to flow really well, but as mention in the last two posts, definitely get rid of 'sweet' in that line. I liked the way you mentioned the sun chasing the moon in the beginning and ending on the sun actually catching the moon. good job!

Please crit mine:

Forgotten Dreams - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=515166
A Place down Inside - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514542
#7
I like how the start links to the end and I think the the first 2 and last 2 lines have a really sweet sentiment.

A few slightly clichéd moments like 'pass the test of time' and it was a bit biographical at times as well 'well a few months went by and we grew closer every week' but this may be what you're going for.

I think your girlfriend will really like it!
#8
Ah, ze Love song! (Sorry, couldn't resist! )
I absolutely LOVED this song. I'm not just talking about "Oh, yeah, its good, keep going, etc." I mean there is really some lines here where I can put myself into that persons feet and visualize as I read the song. It reminds me of this girl I used to date named Lexus, but she couldn't date me anymore because of her dad.
But anyways, this song is a very beautiful work of art, and I think, especially with the music in the background, that it sounds just as beautiful as it looks. Oh yeah, its good, keep going.


Ha, ha! Really nice work, man. 10/10. btw, thanks for the crit on mine!
Hold the Heathen hammer high!
#9
I liked it... good stuff man. Perhaps a little cliche, but every love poem is. This is good. I hope that your lady loved it man.
#10
I really enjoyed this, real good song man. I especially like the way you brought it all together with "I guess the sun has caught the moon" a great way to end an exeptional song.
#11
i like this, the first few lines especially, good structure, a little cliche but like someone said a good amount of love songs are.