#1
Hey, not sure about this. OTS, crit for crit.



When Did My Writing Become So Impersonal?(some change for you, wherever you are)


we travel like pac-man
on straight and narrow roads
under white clouds sheltered
by parhelion montage illusion
and i used to be so sure, i think
(before the skylight stained itself)
that hope was centimeters thick,
made of plexiglass love.
and we met in memories
swimming through deja vu
(and other profound notions)
dancing on a blue moon's prelude
One night never, you will wash
away this translucent disguise
and show me how the sun could shine,
make me believe in make believe,
be under love-stained sheets tomorrow,
I want to taste your salted flesh,
your canvas of smeared lipstick smiles,
before you disappear
Last edited by clichealias at Jan 30, 2007,
#2
When Did My Writing Become So Impersonal?(some change for you, wherever you are)

we travel like pac-man
on straight and narrow roads
under white clouds sheltered
by grey blasts of ideal illusion
Didn't really like the "blasts" here, I thought a more weather orientated word may have worked better.
and i used to be so sure i think
(before the skylight stained itself)
that hope was centimeters thick,
and made of plexiglass love.
Love those parts
so wipe away translucent disguise
need "a" or "the" in theor somewhere.
show me how the sun could shine
make me believe in make-believe
let me breathe fresh life again
I want to taste your skin.

Didn't really catch on to the ending. The piece seemed to collapse in on itself and you kinda just ended it. The last 2 lines are so abrupt and stagnant they killed the entire piece for me. I bet if you were to rewrite parts of this you could extend the ideas more and really make this piece worthy of those centre lines. I'm sorry this is brief I owe you more crits and I shall get to the next couple of pieces you post. Sorry for the delay man.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
The opening pac-man metaphor was neat. For an on the spot this had some really interestion stuff in it. I thought this was good, I'll edit in more later when I have more time.
#5
Quote by stratkat
The opening pac-man metaphor was neat. For an on the spot this had some really interestion stuff in it. I thought this was good, I'll edit in more later when I have more time.


Haha, thanks man. I edited a lot from the original OTS version, but for the most part it's all my minds spontaneous creative baby.
#6
That was really quite good, better than I expected from the title.

There were a good amount of "one-liners" which I was fairly impressed with, the rest of the lines weren't bad by any means themselves.

Good work overall
#7
So I confessed to this girl that I've had a crush on her for years tonight, and she put this in her AIM profile :] And another girl whom i went to prom with put this as her away message tooo.

Unfortunately both are spoken for by men nowhere near worthy of them.

But ahh, so it goes. I'm glad my work was recognized by beauty though.

And I appreciate your comments very much blakey, I know the title is kind of lame, but I was thinking about the lack of heart behind my writing as of late, and I decided to write an OTS based on that, and loving dreams.
#10
Alrighty Jakey!!! Here I am with all my fantassstic advice!

Hopefully.

When Did My Writing Become So Impersonal?(some change for you, wherever you are)

"I personally like the title, forget what Blake says, nobody likes him anyways."

we travel like pac-man
on straight and narrow roads
under white clouds sheltered
by parhelion montage illusion

"Okay, so far, I love this intro. You took Steve's advice and changed it for the better, good job on that."

and i used to be so sure i think

"If I'm reading this correctly, then you should throw in a comma right after "sure". That's just how I'm reading it."

(before the skylight stained itself)
that hope was centimeters thick,
made of plexiglass love.

"I agree with Steve here, I love these parts."

and I think we met in memories

"I didn't much care for "i think" in this line, as if was used just moments before in the piece. I'd maybe use a different word.. like 'believe' or anything, that's just my opinion."

swimming through deja vu

"Looove the internal rhyme here."

(and other profound notions)
dancing on a blue night's prelude
One night never, you will wipe

"Again, I didn't care for the close repeating of "night" here, I'd maybe change the first "night" to something night-related, maybe to "moon" or something. I dunno. It'd still have a similar meaning, in my opinion, and that'd create some nice assonance, too. Other than that, this was a very enjoyable part."

away this translucent disguise
and show me how the sun could shine,
make me believe in make believe,

"I really loved these lines, especially the last one. Great job so far."

be under love-stained sheets tomorrow,
I want to taste your skin, before
you disappear.

"The ending was pretty decent, but I feel it could have been a tad bit stronger, mostly with the last two lines. I like the idea you're trying to express, if I'm catching it correctly, but the image isn't being portrayed as well as I think it could be. That'd be the only real flaw I see in the piece."

Overall, this was a very enjoyable read. I know I didn't help much, but there's not much to change in here, from my opinion.

As always, keep up the great work, Jake.
#11
I laughed outloud when I read 'we travel like pac-man'.

A very good peice, good work!
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
#14
I hate to bump this, but again, I'd like to remind it is edited. And if anyone can offer me anything on this, I will give you a full critique by morning. I don't have to work tomorrow so I'm probably going to be here all night.