#1
i know the first part is very rhymey
but i want it to be semi-there
so how could i change it to be.....not so annoying?
thanks



Alternate

Vagabond sliding down the street
Photo edge glamour sheet
Baby boy no-support teat
Unresolved till now

Fall down to your feet
Hey man that’s so sweet
Silk sweaters sown to greet
Forget your fretful nature

Innocence stuck in concrete
Help it out but be so discrete
Please never, ever repeat
Passion’s left for only the *****s

Radical shapes,
In tressed ways,
Go marching to there grave.
And all free will,
That’s sent to die,
Is stored from here on in.

The gift of light,
Is our birthright,
But now I’m not too sure.
And in-flight,
An A-bombs sight,
Falls and hits the floor.

Hello, yes it’s me,
Can’t you see I’m angry?
I don’t care for attacks on my mind.
So grab the sharpie,
And rewrite history,
But make the stories kind

It comes as a change
In a pill, yes a pill
With a dart an injection
A simple thrill
I’ve come to notice every year, every day
That it’s not the same…..
#3
Your lines are a little short in your verses. The first part is a little too rhyming, but over all I think its great. The only thing I would change is line length and word flow.
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#4
maybe try to make it so the last line of each verse rhymes, that way it will have more flow. (It would help keep some sort of rhythm cause right now it's like, rhyme rhyme rhyme stop. Rhyme rhyme rhyme stop.)