#1
A Place Down Inside This is a song I wrote over the weekend. I know its very repetative but i think it works. Any feedback would be great. crit 4 crit

Walk inside
the people behind
they dont follow
they dont follow

Wonder where all
The people will go
if they dont follow
if they dont follow

Me down, inside
to a place where everybody can survive
where people share, and believe in equality and living fair

So I keep on walking
about this place I keep talking
its so rewarding
its so rewarding

Just to be helping
watching people developing
its so rewarding
its so rewarding

down, inside
to a place where nobody needs to hide
where people believe, in happiness and destiny

One day I will find it
The place im describing
It will be perfect
it will be perfect

I hope you will join in
the people now following
it will be perfect
unbelievably perfect

down, inside
to a place where everbody feels alive
where people are free to think what they want and do as they please
#2
Quote by DaveyArmz
A Place Down Inside This is a song I wrote over the weekend. I know its very repetative but i think it works. Any feedback would be great. crit 4 crit

Walk inside
the people behind
they dont follow
they dont follow

Wonder where all
The people will go
if they dont follow
if they dont follow

Interesting start, flows well enough but doesn't really draw you in, as its a bit ambiguous, I don't get any sort of image adequately built from these first two stanza

Me down, inside
to a place where everybody can survive
where people share, and believe in equality and living fair

I like this more, flows really well, good use of rhyme, really good stanza

So I keep on walking
about this place I keep talking
its so rewarding
its so rewarding

Just to be helping
watching people developing
its so rewarding
its so rewarding

mm much the same as the first two stanza's really, my comments to them apply here

down, inside
to a place where nobody needs to hide
where people believe, in happiness and destiny

great structure for these stanzas, i like the change of words, keeps it interesting while maintaing all that was good about the first one, I like

One day I will find it
The place im describing
It will be perfect
it will be perfect

I hope you will join in
the people now following
it will be perfect
unbelievably perfect

Ah now I like this much more than the first two verses, reminds me of "Imagine" but not so that it feels like its already been done, really good verse, if you brought the first two up to this level you'd have a helluva song

down, inside
to a place where everbody feels alive
where people are free to think what they want and do as they please


Good finish

Not bad, the first two verses arent great but the rest is very good. raise the bar on the first two verses and this would be outstanding.

Please have a look at mine, "Good Company", link in my sig
Cheers
-Sam
Winners are those who refuse to be beaten

Imagination on a Screen

Please crit my latest work! Crit for crit of course.

Or hear my demo recordings at Myspace
#3
Thanks for the detailed crit Pete i really appreciate it. I checked out your tunes on myspace, I really liked another few seconds, good job. I'll get round to your latest tune asap. Cheers
#4
Walk inside
the people behind
they dont follow---------this verse, sounds like it needs 1 more line. and not another"they dont follow" line
they dont follow

Wonder where all
The people will go
if they dont follow
if they dont follow----not bad

Me down, inside
to a place where everybody can survive
where people share, and believe in equality and living fair------i like this one

So I keep on walking
about this place I keep talking
its so rewarding
its so rewarding

Just to be helping
watching people developing-----------these 2 verses are better than ur first 2.
its so rewarding
its so rewarding

down, inside
to a place where nobody needs to hide
where people believe, in happiness and destiny------very good

One day I will find it
The place im describing
It will be perfect
it will be perfect

I hope you will join in
the people now following
it will be perfect
unbelievably perfect

down, inside
to a place where everbody feels alive
where people are free to think what they want and do as they pleas


not bad, some verses dont really draw me in, mainly the verses that reapeat the prases like"they dont follow" or "it will be rewarding".the other verses are great
not bad,7/10

thx for the crit on death omen,mabe u could check out my other one...

last hope
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514819