#1
Another Redundant Watchmaker

I can see you are evolving Dearheart
As you wait for your concept soup to cool
You look at the time
And you ask yourself your special question
Am I the mastermind?

The starboard folio is falling apart
You've overslept but you wake too soon
You look at the time
The time looks back and asks itself
Has she a battery inside?

It's been claimed in the trouser press
That you've got emblematic shoes
They're like the irreconcilability
Of anglophone and continental views

So you wait in your damselated distress
In that cupboard under your stairs
You look at the time
The arm ticks to the right
The night twirls closer but it doesn't shine


All comments welcome........
#2
I can see you are evolving "Dearheart"----is there supposed to be a space here?
As you wait for your concept soup to cool
You look at the time
And you ask yourself your special question
Am I the mastermind?-interesting verse, not bad, not awsome

The starboard folio is falling apart
You've overslept but you wake too soon
You look at the time
The time looks back and asks itself
"Has she a battery inside?"this line doesnt make sense, i dont know wat ur talking about in this whole verse

It's been claimed in the trouser press
That you've got emblematic shoes
They're like the irreconcilability-----this doesnt make sense either, to many big words
Of anglophone and continental views

So you wait in your damselated distress
In that cupboard under your stairs
You look at the time
The arm ticks to the right
The night twirls closer but it doesn't shine----nice finish, i liek this verse

overall, u used some wierd words i didnt kno, which made it hard to understand at parts.nice rhyme scheme, more original than classic aabbcc.7/10

crit mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514001
#3
No there's not supposed to be a space, Dearheart is meant as a nickname of sorts.

Watches/clocks usually have batteries. If you're American perhaps you call them something else.

Big words, well, I like the odd big word, no apologies there

Thanks for the feedback, I'll have a look at yours shortly.
#4
I actually like this piece, which is odd. I expected to hate it when I read the title.

The rhyming is blah, but that doesn't seem to be the focal point of your effort. The expression is excellent. You really manage to work within an incredibly bombastic framework without coming off as bombastic, which is an achievement. My only real issue is this stanza:

It's been claimed in the trouser press
That you've got emblematic shoes
They're like the irreconcilability
Of anglophone and continental views

What exactly are you talking about? And I don't mean, define "anglophone" and "irrreconciliability". I don't understand the metaphor of "emblematic shoes," or how they are irreconciliable.

Anyway, I'm wondering if this is intended to be a statement on God?
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#5
Quote by jaykayzer
I can see you are evolving Dearheart
As you wait for your concept soup to cool
You look at the time
And you ask yourself your special question
Am I the mastermind?

Some punctuation wouldn't go amiss, just to help make this easier to read. It's interesting so far, although the sudden use of the nickname right at the beginning without any explanation is a bit awkward.

The starboard folio is falling apart
You've overslept but you wake too soon
You look at the time
The time looks back and asks itself
Has she a battery inside?

I imagine it's wondering if you/the subject is running on batteries, although that's the obvious answer; I have no better one at this time. The second line was contradictory, and it didn't help when the next line seemed to change to a completely different subject.

It's been claimed in the trouser press
That you've got emblematic shoes
They're like the irreconcilability
Of anglophone and continental views

I didn't really get the comparison between the shoes and the differing views of (supposedly) the English and the Continental Europeans. I say supposedly because an anglophone is anyone who speaks English as a first language, not just people in England.

So you wait in your damselated distress
In that cupboard under your stairs
You look at the time
The arm ticks to the right
The night twirls closer but it doesn't shine

I didn't like you using "cupboard under [the] stairs" mainy because it draws back upon the whole feel of the piece, as a piece consisting of thoughts, not mentioning surroundings or a setting. Not a bad finish though.


Fin.