#1
My, haven't you grown? I'm back, briefly. I've not done this for a while. Give me a good going over.


I hold my bottle at my waist because it’s
Phallic and I’m told the women love it.
We take turns, sidle up to another mound
Of flesh - half her features etched – and
Leer, silently. For conversation is useless,
It’s a mute’s game, or else, I wonder,
What secrets are passed, from lying lips
To ears, and back? What is there to say,
How can we discuss, differentiate,
Converse, whilst performing pelvic thrusts
Thinking from our shrivelled crotches?

Because it’s been too long, muse has
Left long ago, to shag some other man,
The arty, cut-glass type, throwing witticisms
About the place as though money to burn.
And the men’s magazines, those glossy
Rags, where the true beauty of the world
Begins and ends, plays tricks. Oh, you’ve
Caught it like Chlamydia, the lie that
The man with the gift of the gab gets
Anyone. And with that, it’s too late.

“Fancy a fuck?”
"You can never quarantine the past."
#2
Felt sorry for you as you've had no comments as of yet. I'm not much of a critic, but...

Flows very well, but I'm not crazy about the subject matter. Well written though. Nice alliteration & rhymes within lines. Flesh & etched were born to be in the same sentence.

An interesting piece, well put together. Nice work. I won't be reading it to my grandmother though.
#3
Quote by broken_bottles
My, haven't you grown? I'm back, briefly. I've not done this for a while. Give me a good going over.


I hold my bottle at my waist because it’s
Phallic and I’m told the women love it.

Pscht, phallic. You use to be cool and blunt, man Nice opening.

We take turns, sidle up to another mound

"mound" I don't likem, really.

Of flesh - half her features etched – and
Leer, silently. For conversation is useless,
It’s a mute’s game, or else, I wonder,
What secrets are passed, from lying lips
To ears, and back? What is there to say,

Too many annoying, stopping commas. Desist from the overuse of them I say! I think it ruins the flow of the piece.

How can we discuss, differentiate,
Converse, whilst performing pelvic thrusts
Thinking from our shrivelled crotches?

Good. Almost new direction for you- like you're almost above us all like some socially-aware God...

Because it’s been too long, muse has
Left long ago, to shag some other man,
The arty, cut-glass type, throwing witticisms
About the place as though money to burn.

I'm not sure I like the way this is worded. Double "long" is a no-no. Again with the commas. I like the last image though- witticsms +

And the men’s magazines, those glossy
Rags, where the true beauty of the world
Begins and ends, plays tricks. Oh, you’ve
Caught it like Chlamydia, the lie that
The man with the gift of the gab gets
Anyone. And with that, it’s too late.

You've gone more cryptic than usual, not quite as blunt. Which is good, I spose, in a way. Overdone alliteration I think here, not sure it's a great touch. The two "Ands".. I don't really like.

“Fancy a fuck?”

I think you could have set up this ending better. Just my thoughts.


It's nice to see you Alex. Been keepin' well?

This seemed a new direction, sort of, for you, but still retaining your over-obsession with unmentionable acts

Certainly not my favourite from you, but a good read nonethelss.

If you are sticking about, I'd appreciate a comment on the latest one, in my sig. Cheers mate

Now about that going over...
#4
First of all, I would just like to say that i thought this piece was wonderful. The subject matter was risque to say the least, but I presented in such a beautiful way. The language was very literary and I really liked it. I laso liked the rhyme or lack of rhyme. I thought it suited this piece well. And just so you know the last line was pure genious.
Great job and keep it up.

Crit mine please

Behind the Alabaster Walls
#5
Yeah, I'm well, thanks Jamie.

Thanks to you both for your comments. Re-reading this, Jamie, you're right about pretty much everything you've said. I think I needed to get this OTS out of my system so I can tackle some other subject matter. I will get back to the pair of you.

And it's nice to be back.
"You can never quarantine the past."