#1
I'm fourteen and this is the first set of lyrics of ever wrote. Please tell me some things to work on.

I'm lost inside.
The only thing that comes out are these tears
These salty eyes are burning with fear.
I hope I can get through.

I'm barely alive.
I am shaking, I can barely speak
A few signs of your defeat.
I thought I knew you.

Doesnt that bother you
That all of these years
Now end with tears.
I believed
You deceived
Leave you? I would never
You are trapped in my heart always and forever...

One last time.
Just to feel your gentle soft kiss.
To get that taste of those delicate lips.
What I would do.

Doesnt that bother you
That all of these years
Now end with tears.
I believed
You deceived
Leave you? I would never
You are trapped in my heart always and forever...
always and forever.......
#2
Quote by motioncity1218
I'm fourteen and this is the first set of lyrics of ever wrote. Please tell me some things to work on.

I'm lost inside.
The only thing that comes out are these tears
These salty eyes are burning with fear.
I hope I can get through.

I'm just not feeling the flow here.not much else to say.

I'm barely alive.
I am shaking, I can barely speak
A few signs of your defeat.
I thought I knew you.

"I thought i knew you" - it kinda throws me off topic there

Doesnt that bother you
That all of these years
Now end with tears.
I believed
You deceived
Leave you? I would never
You are trapped in my heart always and forever...

Great, i love the flow here, it grabs my attention and makes me want to listen

One last time.
Just to feel your gentle soft kiss.
To get that taste of those delicate lips.
What I would do.

I can feel tension here, i like it.

Doesnt that bother you
That all of these years
Now end with tears.
I believed
You deceived
Leave you? I would never
You are trapped in my heart always and forever...
always and forever.......

I like it, grabs attention.




I like this, it is hard to find any flow in the begining, but as the song moves forward, i feel more tension. I like it nonetheless.
#3
For first two verses is this better:

I'm lost inside,
Mixed emotions; feelings unclear.
These salty tears are streaming with fear.
I hope I can get through...

I'm barely alive,
I'm shaking I can barely speak.
Just a few signs of your defeat.
What you make me go through...
#4
i really like the chorus and 2nd verses...but i agree that the 1st verse doesnt flow much, and is kinda rough.
#5
The first verse kind of doesn't go anywhere, no smoothness to it.

I would try to write more on the individual lines, not just a few words, but that's just my style of writing, there is nothing wrong with the way you did it.

"I thought I knew you" kind of assumes that we know more than you're telling us, try to elaborate more beforehand.

Other than that, I think its great :]
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