#1
Any tips or suggestions would be great. crit 4 crit
thanks

Stumble through the haze
Into a place
where the feelings fade away

Another dimension
divine intervention
leads me somewhere strange

Slowly in darkness
deep and depressed
where are the thoughts
that belong in my head

Somethings not quite right
no thinking in my mind
two days with out daylight
where the hell am I...

Sleeping, dreaming you dont even know
half the places youve been to
or people you know
time is the present not the future or past
so live in your dreams whenever you can

They can come true in a world full of dreamers
but only a few will return as believers


Check out A Place Down Inside at:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514542
#2
cheers for the crit Martin, but Im not sure about what you mean about the ryhming. I think if you rhyme like your suggestingjack, black, sack etc its get a bit repetative and boring and comes across very simple to readers.
#3
yes, daveyarmz, do not rhyme like that, well try not to, becuz those are way to simple of rhymes, and those are for little kids poems(no offence)
but yea its good, like he said sounds a bit mixed, i didnt really have a problem with ur rhyming in this one.everything was good until the verse with the dreams, to me, thats where it got a be controversial.

crit mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514001
#4
i like it but is it slow is it fast is it like punk or somethig? it's ptetty good

do u always rhyme b cuz it' much easier to rite songs that don't ryhme


tim the_st.jimmy
#5
Thanks st.jimmy, its a slow acoustic style piece with some fingerpicking.

Yeah i always rhyme, i find it easier that way. but i try not to use such simple rhymes like pineapple jam (above) was suggesting.