#1
hey i wrote this when i was 13 (i.e. yesterday) tell me what you think. there are a few crap lines, i know.

Woman, weeping, calls out for the officer,
Stands by the body of the son she's just murdered.
Tries to sweet talk him to get less time.
All just pawns in this petty world of mine.

{Guitar Solo 1}

Married twice, life getting too cosy,
I trust you 'bout as far as you can throw me.
They say love is all about making sacrifice'.
Bet the funeral was the time of you life!

{Guitar Solo 2}

Sweet 16 and she's getting lonely,
Calls up the priest and he's just as unholy.
All the uppers just keep bringing me down.
Crazy woman catch me before I hit the ground.

{Outro Solo}

crit4crit if requested.

thanks in advance!
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#2
You should change the first stanza to not sound so detached, like "Woman does this, that" But I think it's good, especially for a 13 year-old. The first 2 lines of the third stanza are great, I would stick in that vein, it's sad but it's got a little humor.
Last edited by Siftings at Jan 30, 2007,
#5
no im no hooker its about one...kind of....well maybe not....but still......
Member #29 of the Fender Armada. Pm Arlabester...
Co-Founder of the UG Hippie Club! PM me or Blynd_Snyper to join!

My Gear:
Fender Highway 1 Tele
Fender Blues Junior Amp
Korg Multi effects pedal
Peavey Millenium Bass
Peavey Bass Amp
#6
There are some vague lines, like the last line in the first stanza and the last one in the last stanza. Actually they in themselves are probably not the problem: I think you just need to connect the stanzas better or something. The song has potential but you should add in maybe another stanza or a few lines to bring out a little more of whats actually happening in the story.

And I wouldn't use the word cozy lol.
We're only strays.
#7
im kinda 50/50 on this, tbh. theres a few lines i like, and theres a few i dont, with indifference on the remaining ones.

it appears to me it would only work if sort of spoken in a song, rather than sung, but maybe thats what you were going for.
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#8
hey im 13 tooo kool. groovy song cant say ive written anything better
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