#1
crit4crit

BEHIND THE ALABASTER WALLS

The staircase leads to the chamber below
Containing secret wisdom you already know
Beyond a labyrinth of convoluted halls
The guardian is incarcerated by cults
Death to the deadbolts all around his door
Rest not ‘til all locks are lifeless on the floor

Why do we cut the tongue from our Higher Self?
Why do we let our souls gather dust on the shelf?

How long must I dwell in the World of Nether?
Chained to alabaster walls with wings de-feathered
A breath of carnal dreams snuffed the candle out
Sewing shut the eyelids of my escape route
Remove the gag and I’ll sing a beautiful tune
With each lyric lovingly swaddled in Truth

Why do we cut the tongue from our Higher Self?
Why do we let our souls gather dust on the shelf?

The hand movements are valued at a costly price
Philosopher kings are concerned with how to die
I should've received the robes of a sage
But a fragile heart was the sole gift of Age
Let me kiss your lips, my sweet Eternity
May we be joined as one in matrimony

Why do we cut the tongue from our Higher Self?
Why do we let our souls gather dust on the shelf?
Last edited by themarsvolta at Feb 2, 2007,
#2
i really liked it, im not to big of a fan of the question lyrics, but in this one i really like it, great use of words. "Sewing shut the eyelids of my escape route" i love that line, awesome imagery right there. anyways, if you want check out my song, fall back to you in my sig, its not anything like your song though..lol
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#3
"The staircase leads to the chamber below
Containing secret wisdom you already know"

The second line sound like you couldn't think of anything that ryhmed with below so you but that.
"A breath of carnal dreams snuffed the candle out"
The word snuffed doesn't fit with the song. The rest of it is kind of creepy but the word snuffed sounds like it came out of seasme street.
Other than that it looks like a great song, I also like how you use big words like alabaster or philosopher.
This is my song - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514280
www.myspace.com/slackerfridaysolong
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Electro-Harmonix Small Clone Chorus
Electro-Harmonix Holy Grail Reverb
#4
Hey, It's TMV!

I'll get to this tomrow hoepfully. If you could leave something on the one in my sig I'd appreciate it.

You know I'll be back to this one
#5
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

Where you bin ain't?

BEHIND THE ALABASTER WALLS

The staircase leads to the chamber below
Containing secret wisdom you already know
Beyond a labyrinth of convoluted halls
Awaits the guardian, imprisoned in your skull

this last line flows, reads and rhymes quite awfully, imho. The rest is enjoyable, but not as strong as what I think I have read previously from you.

Death to the deadbolts all around his door
Rest not ‘til every lock is lifeless on the floor

End of the last line needs to be rushed to fit it in. Free up a syyllable or two.

Why do we cut the tongue from our Higher Self?
Why do we let our souls gather dust on the shelf?

Last line could be made more original by you, methinks.

How long must I dwell in the World of Nether?
Chained to alabaster walls with wings de-feathered
A breath of carnal dreams snuffed the candle out
Sewing shut the eyelids of my escape route

Ugh, it's rooot, not rowt. Not bad, but like I said, not the best form you idt.

Remove the gag and I’ll sing a beautiful tune
With each lyric lovingly swaddled in Truth

First line has too many syllables. "Swddled" is cute.

Why do we cut the tongue from our Higher Self?
Why do we let our souls gather dust on the shelf?

You could’ve held teachings surpassing all schools’

Needs a comma, as do a few lines, actually.

But the teacher was trampled by a herd of bulls

Clumsy wording.

The hand movements are valued at a costly price
Philosopher kings are concerned with how to die
My child, you have but a flower’s frailty
At any hour I may amputate your leaves

Why do we cut the tongue from our Higher Self?
Why do we let our souls gather dust on the shelf?


I wasn't overaed by this, and I know you have written much better. I just didn't feel this, I felt it never really moved on or went into any new territory, and I just didn't get on with thi one, tbh. The rhyming didn't help toomuch either, and a few line's flow needs sorting out.

Cheers tmv.
#6
i think you should change the 1st line of the second verse. to me it doesnt fit in bcoz ur 1st and third verse dont have a question. plus, u have already got "Why do we cut the tongue from our Higher Self?
Why do we let our souls gather dust on the shelf?"
to much question will make the lyrics kinda dull. (in my opinion) but nice effort tho.
#7
Not the best from you, but still better than most of the stuff that baffles me on this site...there are some ace lines on here, including the question lines....I really like the soul line that keeps getting repeated, I feel it actually kept the piece going nicely.

You have slowly become one of my favorite writers on the site, one that I look foward to reading ever time you post. Probably because I dig your style, but that doesn't matter, cause you are a good writer no matter how I slice it...keep it up.
#8
You could’ve held teachings surpassing all schools’
But the teacher was trampled by a herd of bulls
the second line rhyme is weak, and seems forced and unnatural


At any hour I may amputate your leaves
this line seems weak, and doesnt seem to fir with the rest in the verse.


overal, nothin EXTREMLY bothered me, jsut small things. fix them up, and you have great deep lyrics here.awsome job, my favorite kinda of lyrics.
#9
Hey, thanks for all your help guys. I appreciate it. I used your suggestions to edit a few lines, and I think it reads better.