#1
This is the first song I ever wrote, so go a little easy on me with the critisism...


Thank You


I'm sorry for the pain I've caused
I'm sorry for the trouble I've put you through
You think that I would understand
That you are there for me and me for you


And I thank you for what you've helped me with
And the pain you've helped ease
Help me prove that my life is not a myth
And I'm just asking that please


That I could help you like you helped me
But I have to swim a giant burning sea
And now I dive in, head first
And I'll help you when you feel cursed


Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
They aren't your problems they're mine
So much you've helped me through
And I just wish I could return the favor to you


I'm alright, I'll be fine
I've got plenty of time
I can take care of my myself
I'm not going to kill oneself
And I just wish....


That I could help you like you helped me
But I have to swim a giant burning sea
And now I dive in, head first
And I'll help you when you feel cursed


--Ryan Bostian
Last edited by EFINGnamesTAKEN at Jan 30, 2007,
#2
i really liked the idea behind this. it was very easy to relate to and easy to read. it has very good flow as well. my only concern is the "but i hav to swim a giant burning sea" line. it just doesn't seem to flow, maybe if you could find another way to convey the same idea. "but i have to swim this pyro's sea"? just thinkin out loud here. overall its deffinately a good piece.
#3
I'm sorry for the pain I've caused
I'm sorry for the trouble I've put you through
You think that I would understand
That you are there for me and me for you
I like this but the last line seems kinda wordy.

And I thank you for what you've helped me with
And the pain you've helped ease
Help me prove that my life is not a myth
And I'm just asking that please
The word That doesn't seem to fit for me.


That I could help you like you helped me
But I have to swim a giant burning sea
And now I dive in, head first
And I'll help you when you feel cursed
The rhyme scheme keeps changing.

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine
They aren't your problems they're mine
So much you've helped me through
And I just wish I could return the favor to you
I really like these lines.

I'm alright, I'll be fine
I've got plenty of time
I can take care of my myself
I'm not going to kill oneself
And I just wish....
The "oneself" part I don't like. I know you don't want to repeat the word myself but ugh, it just doesn't sound right.

That I could help you like you helped me
But I have to swim a giant burning sea
And now I dive in, head first
And I'll help you when you feel cursed


Overall pretty good, I like it.
Keep it up. :-)