#1
this one is sorta the first song i have written in like a month or so
i can see some parts that could be changed....but i would like some feedback from people that have more experience!

Untitled

just stop your breathing, just let us end like this
a faithful lisp, something that will end with a kiss
walk with me through the dark, fill my mind with right
fill my path with light, i know i'll burn bright
with you by my side
'
nothing, can be as great, as whats to come from this
and I know i'll be right with you
so dont fret, things will be alright
turn your life upright, ill give my all for you

just stop your heart now, i want to be your lifeline
the one that finds, that you will stay this time
come now and take my hand, ill help you understand
why this life, hurts you this time, work out in time
with me by your side

nothing, can be as great, as whats to come from this
and I know i'll be right with you
so dont fret, things will be alright
turn your life upright, ill give my all for you

and i'll give it, never holding back
when you figure it out i'll be your facts
taking time, just to get you happy
but its all worth it in the end.......the end

nothing, can be as great, as whats to come from this
and I know i'll be right with you
so dont fret, things will be alright
turn your life upright, ill give my all for you


could you guys give me a FULL ON crit for it
i really want to make this better
Quote by Friggly
my balls undropped...they're not all like low and stuff, and they look like they did when I was little...I still spew and stuff. Is it possible that I may be getting younger by the minute?!

haha^^
http://www.mindistortion.net/iwantyoursoul/?i_am=Capt. Crow
#2
i'd love to give you more of a crit if i had the time, but for now i'd just like to say that iin my opinion its hard to read. i can't tell if its because of a lack of flow or lack of consistance. the lines just seem uneven to me. but if you worked on that it would be easier to read and to give a good crit for. this could be really good if you take the time to work on it.
#4
i really really like it. I do agree with tcen32 in that it kind of does have a lack of flow, however, that in no way makes it bad. the beginning is a good beginning, however, i'm not sure that it fits the rest of the piece. i would like to see it when it's through so if you could pm me that'd be great! overall good job 8/10
#5
thx!
ill try to change it as much as i can
and for the flow....you would have to hear the guitar....it pretty much makes up for the lack of flow with me!

anyone else?
Quote by Friggly
my balls undropped...they're not all like low and stuff, and they look like they did when I was little...I still spew and stuff. Is it possible that I may be getting younger by the minute?!

haha^^
http://www.mindistortion.net/iwantyoursoul/?i_am=Capt. Crow
#6
I liked it all except for the lines
"and i'll give it, never holding back
when you figure it out i'll be your facts"
I don't think that flows that well, overall a great job.

It would be great if you could crit mine. It's in my signature called Bad News.
www.myspace.com/slackerfridaysolong
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#7
the lyrics are okay to me. but the title is too cliche. too many people have already use "untitled" for their title.