#1
I came home to an empty home,
earlier than usual this afternoon.
With new wind in my sails, I tried something else
I don't normally do.
I used my idle time to throw together
Some chords on the piano, and sang
My own words on top of it.

I sang sincerely about my desire
To fall in love with love again.

You, my wicked half, broke through the front door
Without knocking at a quarter till three.
I pointlessly invited you to come in out of the cold.

In quieter moments like when all is dark,
I sometimes imagine you as my post-bohemian princess.
Someone who dances all day while I toil away,
and understands my artistic malaise, and can
bend easily to fuc
k the pain away.
But my backward Puritan streak always causes
both of us to suffer so much we laugh.

By half-past four you had me realize,
You're why my poems are filled with lies.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Jan 30, 2007,
#2
haha, why is it that when all the poems start leaning to a more sexual moment it feels so silly and I just hate it. I really loved every other bit, just not so much the 4th. The word "post-cum" just doesn't seem to work well with the rest of the language in the piece, as well as any other vulgarisms, but maybe that's just me you know?

Anyway before that, I got to this part(of course):
"at a quarter till three"
anyway, I was thinking how it would be cool/interesting to carry over the idea of playing music, and instead of relating this to time, instead use something referencing a time signature, that still gets the point across, not that it needs that, just would have loved to see that.

Anyway if you could please crit mine I'd appreciate it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=515500
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#3
Hmm. Well the poem was about how I'm a Puritan at heart, and sex corrupts truth. So I meant for the sex in the second to last verse to corrupt the meaning of the rest.
#4
well you succeeded, and I thought that may have been an intent, since the contrast between the two was rather stark. I just didn't enjoy it as much as the rest, although I understand the appropriateness.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#6
Your last one appealed more to my tastes than this one did, not that it can be helped, I just thought I'd tell you.

By half-past four you had me realize,
You're why my poems are filled with lies.


Those last lines, at least for me, kicked it up a few notches.

I sang sincerely about my desire
To fall in love with love again.


That part felt a little weak, but I can't think of anything to replace it with that would make it any better.

I thought it was good, I didn't really have any problems with it. Sorry for the short crit.
#7
the only thing i didn't like was the
repetition of "home" in the first line.
i'd change it to "house" or something.

other than that, another good poem.

I just want to sleep forever.