#1
so this was how this was written on the page, I would suggest you read through the end lines, since most of them are not stops, otherwise you're pretty much effed. I'm not sure how I like the way it's set up, but we'll see I guess. I suggest you read it fast. Crit for Crit.


Doesn't Complain When It's Too Cold
--------------
Cradled in your Mother's
Arms
The cadence being held
Close to Heart
The Drumming may beseech
the Doors, unyielding still --
Inside
but
an empty vessel
Waiting to be fed --
The Canned
Fruits
are rattling
together
They said for everyday it's Calm
there is something
speedily
approaching
Can you Hear the chattering of Teeth?
the fusing of Joints?
Put your Ear to the Ground
Kiss their Feet now
It's said their marching
is Silent
like Breaths held
Your Mother will Exclaim:
"O My God!
When was it
that you lost
Your Hearing?"
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jan 30, 2007,
#2
The Canned
Fruits
are rattling
together
They said for everyday it's Calm
there is something
speedily
approaching

That is by favorite part, I also liked

"O My God!
When was it
that you lost
Your Hearing?"

You have a lot of talent, I have nothing bad to say about this.

This is my song - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514280
www.myspace.com/slackerfridaysolong
Fender Toronado
Marshall Valvestate 8100
Fender PT-100 Pedal Tuner
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Boss DS-1
Electro-Harmonix Big Muff Pi
Electro-Harmonix Small Clone Chorus
Electro-Harmonix Holy Grail Reverb
#3
I understand that you wrote this in a notebook and all, but I think the first revision you need to make is to re-arrange the line breaks to make it more cogent and meaningful.

Cradled in your Mother's
Arms
The cadence being held
Close to Heart
The Drumming may beseech
the Doors, unyielding still --
Inside
but
an empty vessel
Do you mean "but an empty vessel," in the sense of "nothing but an empty vessel"? If so, I think they should be on the same line.
Waiting to be fed --
Do you feed a vessel? I don't think so. Mixing metaphors can be powerful, but not if it seems like a mistake.
The Canned
Fruits
are rattling
together
Canned fruits don't rattle. The cans might. But the fruits themselves do no rattling. So is that what you meant to say? It might be. Just thought I'd ask.
They said for everyday it's Calm
there is something
speedily
approaching
Can you Hear the chattering of Teeth?
the fusing of Joints?
I like this.
Put your Ear to the Ground
Kiss their Feet now
It's said their marching
is Silent
like Breaths held
Your Mother will Exclaim:
"O My God!
When was it
that you lost
Your Hearing?"

To be honest, I didn't really understand the piece as a whole. I thought for a while it related to childbirth, but the child in the poem is already out of the womb in his mother's arms. Sorry but without being able to discern your meaning, I can't offer a very meaningful crit. So, um, sorry.
#4
I used the dashes as punctuation there at the vessel line, in order to break that double meaning, because it is the empty vessel waiting to be fed. Although I realized the double meanings throughout the entire thing, and I was considering leaving them in there because it works both ways. In this situation I consider a child an empty vessel, fed through exposure to the world.

Good point about the fruits, that is pissing me off now. I'm not sure it is entirely wrong but yeah...shit.

it's about a leaving home. Or rather, when the child is young they can hear the heartbeat of the mother, and you can imagine all the connections this might symbolize, but as a child grows older they become increasingly distant from this safety/love etc., and although it seems like it sneaks up on you and the parent, you both know it's coming, and you eventually "lose your Hearing". Sound is the conceit here. Do with that what you can.

This piece kind of transformed over time, it originally was about a girl, (the "you"s were "Her"s) and her loss of innocence so you might see some pieces of that left as well, because really in a way they both can be an increasing distance from the protection of home, but the Hearing was innocence which was corrupted by the outside world.

and thanks for the fixes that's good stuff. I've been rather dissatisfied with the piece and it will probably get reworked over and over, the page it's written on looks like shit now there so many arrows and erases. And the structure overall is a question I've yet to answer.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Jan 31, 2007,