#1
I posted this before only it was much much shorter and a bit different. I kinda took a different spin on this one than i have in the past. Thanks in advance. and a good Critique for a good critique.

Verse1:
When my grandpa died
i thought i was tough
because i didn't cry
but the mask i wore
didn't fool you
you could see my hurt
but it was gonna be ok
'cause you were there to hold me

Verse2:
Remember, remember that night
i called you up late
said my parents had a fight
it could be the last for them
but you told me it didn't matter
said as long as we were together
everything would be alright

Chorus:
You wrapped me in your arms
embraced me in your love
and for that moment,
everything was fine,
so all im asking
is for you to be mine

Verse3:
Sitting next to you today,
isn't it great to know
that we still feel the same way?
after a year of pain and sorrow
nothing could tear us apart
and even when nothing's wrong
just because you love me

Chorus
you wrap me in your arms
you embrace me in your love
and for the rest of my life
everything will be fine
because you,
you said you'll be mine

thanks again for reading
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Jan 30, 2007,
#3
Bland isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. The way you present it, separating the stanzas within their common thread, was cool. But nothing really that interesting happens. The language flows easily but verse 3 seems awkward after the first 2, maybe it should be in the middle to provide contrast? through thick and thin, ..yeah. Your whole concept is a little cliche imo, but if it's what you're going for, then it's decent. If I were you I'd make it a twist at the end, like it turns out he's talking to a drug or something

crit for crit?
Last edited by Siftings at Jan 30, 2007,
#4
Thanks for the crit.

I think verse 2 was the best verse and the other verses got kind of repetitive. like in the first three lines of verse 3 you use "I" 4 times. Maybe you could switch it so you don't have to say "I" so often. I thought the chorus was pretty cliche but it was well written.
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#5
i liked this song. The word choice for the chorus was good
"This love is killing me but you're the only one, it's not over"---Daughtry
#6
nicely done. a perfect valentine's day for that special someone. dont u think?
#8
I like this one alot...

Near perfect...
A little repetitive, but I love it regardless.
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#9
Hey you can crit my song called "hardest goodbye" Thanks
"This love is killing me but you're the only one, it's not over"---Daughtry
#11
Hey, great chorus! Verse 3 is very strong too. Can imagine it sounding great with drums, chuggy guitar and nice middle-8 solo. Other than that, might also sound great on an acoustic with a slower beat.
always in the poo, only the depth changes
#14
If you sang and played this for someone special it'd be good, but the word choice was pretty generic. And I don't get a sense of originality, there is nothing in it that says you wrote it. It flowed decently, but once again the word choice brings it down in my opinion. Let me know if you edit it or anything though.
#15
it's pretty good, but i think it's kinda repetitive like the others said.
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#16
This could be amazing if put to the right tune and rhythm. That's really all a song needs. For instance.... I want to rock 'n' roll all night, and party every day. Sounds like something that I'd say on any normal day. Just be honest and true to your feelings when you sing it or play it or whatever you do to it, and it'll turn out fabulous. Just make sure people can understand it.
#17
When my grandpa died
i thought i was tough
because i didn't cry
but the mask i wore
didn't fool you
you could see my hurt
but it was gonna be ok
'cause you were there to hold me
===intersting, dont see anything wrong in it.
Verse2:
Remember, remember that night===when i read this line, i imagend the seconded 'remember; being a soft echoe in the backround.
i called you up late
said my parents had a fight
it could be the last for them
but you told me it didn't matter
said as long as we were together
everything would be alright

Chorus:
You wrapped me in your arms
embraced me in your love
and for that moment,
everything was fine,
so all im asking
is for you to be mine

Verse3:
Sitting next to you today,
isn't it great to know
that we still feel the same way?===i would cut out the 'way'
after a year of pain and sorrow
nothing could tear us apart
and even when nothing's wrong
just because you love me==this line seemed just a little weak,and blunt.

Chorus
you wrap me in your arms
you embrace me in your love
and for the rest of my life
everything will be fine
because you,
you said you'll be mine


nothin really wrong with it, great job. some minor things, but they're nothing really. lol its hard to give someone a crit, when their work is already fine.

crit my latest one if ya could
#18
Hey I really enjoyed it. I thought the chorus was pretty memorable and the verses were pretty strong. What kind of music was it written for? I'm thinking just a simple acoustic song?
#21
i would learn to write music first, it really can change songs from their original intention, even if you just get a guitar and clank out some chords, get music written, it'd be nice to know some music theory though, i can teach you that if you want too, also, get a keyboard or piano if you don't have one, don't try to learn music theory on guitar, guitar is good for quick playing and writing, piano is for learning, there's also many websites out there that teach you music theory.
#22
i really reccomend writing music before you write lyrics because i tried to write some music to the song, and i came up with nothing, but then again, romantic stuff isn't my forte.
#23
yeah pgfan92 that'd be great. i have a piano, and two guitars. i also have garageband if that's an option too. i've tried to write music before but i liked writing the lyrics much better so i stuck with that until now. and now i'm kinda on a deadline....(feb. 14) so yes any help would be appreciated! thanks
#24
Verse1:
When my grandpa died
i thought i was tough
because i didn't cry * Slight flow problems here *
but the mask i wore
didn't fool you
you could see my hurt
but it was gonna be ok
'cause you were there to hold me

A good start, two problems, first off the slight flow problem that I mentioned, the third line doesn't flow well to the fourth line, and another problem is the use of but, I know it is very tempting to use that word alot, but try to avoid that, because it makes your writing sound childish and boring.


Verse2:
Remember, remember that night
i called you up late
said my parents had a fight
it could be the last for them
but you told me it didn't matter
said as long as we were together
everything would be alright

Good verse, nothing to say here.

Chorus:
You wrapped me in your arms
embraced me in your love
and for that moment,
everything was fine,
so all im asking
is for you to be mine

A little cliche, but still good.

Verse3:
Sitting next to you today,
isn't it great to know
that we still feel the same way?
after a year of pain and sorrow
nothing could tear us apart
and even when nothing's wrong
just because you love me

Again, flow problems, after the third line all the flow falls apart, it feels as though you wrote a single line and then just broke it down.

Chorus
you wrap me in your arms
you embrace me in your love
and for the rest of my life
everything will be fine
because you,
you said you'll be mine


Overall the song is good, the wording is mostly good and the reader connects easily to the message of the song.
There were two main problems that annoyed me though, firstly the flow often falls apart, I suggest that while writing sing the song along to yourself, that way things generaly fit in well.
And always read the song several times after writing it, go over it verse to verse and see when lines to fit well, then change it up a little.
The second problem is the wording, altough good it is very repetetive (too many buts), and all your words are very basic and plain, I myself don't use any high words, but I try to use different words to express different tones, so the next song you write try to mix things up, use words you wouldn't usually use, eventually this will come natrually to you, this way your writing will be more expresive.
#26
this, in my opinion, is a very good piece. i hate reading pieces that are clearly uninspired and just written for the hell of it. i can tell there is some logic behind this. to be honest i was half expecting a crappy twist at the end saying how it didnt work out and you miss her or something, which would have been rather cliche, but it wasnt there. i was very happy to find no twist and that you followed the piece right through. very nice, sounds good to me dood. thanks for the crit.
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