#1
I was browsing through my My Documents folder and stumbled upon this, either the first or second set of lyrics I ever tried to write. It's supposed to be just quick Punk rant I wrote when I found the girl I was dating was taking pills, and somehow it turned in to this. I'm posting it only because I thought of actually rehashing it and making it better and I wanted to see what some of you all thought... crit for a crit...

Verse 1
Hey baby i,
Poison everything, poison everyone
Toxins in the water, drugs are in the food
Medications are for fun
Whatever gets you in the mood?

Chorus
Touch me, tease me
Push me, please me
Make it sleazy
Take it easy

Verse 2
Love and trust they are my desire
Sensual touch against naked thighs
Love and trust go into the fire
Succulent lips tell naked lies

Chorus
Touch me, tease me
Push me, please me
Make it sleazy
Take it easy

Bridge
Do it easy
Does it feel good?
Are you in love with me?
Are you ok?
Harder!
Oh!

Verse 3
Back and forth against the grain
Forced into it for the very last time
After a while, it all feels the same
In all the sweat, grit and grime

Chorus
Touch me, tease me
Push me, please me
Make it sleazy
Take it easy

Verse 4
I poison everything, posion everyone
Toxins in the water, drugs are in the food
Your medications are for fun
After all whatever gets you in the mood
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#3
um, ok are u a guy? cuz no offence but it sounds like it came from a girl...

Verse 1
Hey baby i,
Poison everything, poison everyone
Toxins in the water, drugs are in the food
Medications are for fun
Whatever gets you in the mood?
----with the first and second lines dont seem to go together, seems liek the second verse would have to be in past tense to fit line #1
Chorus
Touch me, tease me
Push me, please me
Make it sleazy
Take it easy

Verse 2
Love and trust they are my desire
Sensual touch against naked thighs
Love and trust go into the fire
Succulent lips tell naked lies

Chorus
Touch me, tease me
Push me, please me
Make it sleazy
Take it easy

Bridge
Do it easy
Does it feel good?
Are you in love with me?
Are you ok?
Harder!-----------this line, um.......... not really liking it
Oh!------or this one....

Verse 3
Back and forth against the grain
Forced into it for the very last time
After a while, it all feels the same
In all the sweat, grit and grime

Chorus
Touch me, tease me
Push me, please me
Make it sleazy
Take it easy

Verse 4
I poison everything, posion everyone
Toxins in the water, drugs are in the food
Your medications are for fun
After all whatever gets you in the mood


um, not really anything wrong with it, guess its just not my favorite genre of music.nothin bad about it, nothin really great about it.sorry
guess it would probly fit the punk genre
mine to crit
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514001
#4
I like it. It seems like it would make a very good punk song. The bridge is a little meh, but whatever. Its still good.
#5
yeah good punk song especially if you just shout some of the lyrics with a determined feel

'tis life
#6
thanks yall, and yeah I'm a guy, guess it "could" sound that way, I just don't see it
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#7
Quote by punkrockconcept


Verse 1
Hey baby i,
Poison everything, poison everyone
Toxins in the water, drugs are in the food
Medications are for fun
Whatever gets you in the mood?
Nice job, this seems naturally punk-ish

Chorus
Touch me, tease me
Push me, please me
Make it sleazy sleazy threw me off here... I just dont like that word
Take it easy
overall 7/10 for the chorus

Verse 2
Love and trust they are my desire
Sensual touch against naked thighs
Love and trust go into the fire
Succulent lips tell naked lies
I really liked this, perfect on this part

Bridge
Do it easy
Does it feel good?
Are you in love with me?
Are you ok?
Harder!
Oh!
Not so good, I would tie in something else other than just raw ****ing
I did like the 'are you in love with me' part.


Verse 3
Back and forth against the grain
Forced into it for the very last time
After a while, it all feels the same
In all the sweat, grit and grime
8/10 fairly good



overall, 8/10. Good punk song
#9
thanks man, I'll start critiquing some of these back after dinner...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#10
Verse 1
Hey baby i,
Poison everything, poison everyone
Toxins in the water, drugs are in the food
Medications are for fun
Whatever gets you in the mood?


yeah i guess this all works... i like the last line.... though i dont know if it needs a question mark.


Chorus
Touch me, tease me
Push me, please me
Make it sleazy
Take it easy


the chorus is my favorite part of the song... simple but it fits the genre.... no complaints.


Verse 2
Love and trust they are my desire
Sensual touch against naked thighs
Love and trust go into the fire
Succulent lips tell naked lies


i like this verse other than the fact that you use repetition within the verse but dont do that with any other verses... it could work though if you used it as the third verse... if you dont mind switching them.


Chorus
Touch me, tease me
Push me, please me
Make it sleazy
Take it easy

Bridge
Do it easy
Does it feel good?
Are you in love with me?
Are you ok?
Harder!
Oh!


i dont like the last two lines either... but given the topic and genre i guess they wouldn't detract from the song too much.


Verse 3
Back and forth against the grain
Forced into it for the very last time
After a while, it all feels the same
In all the sweat, grit and grime


not terribly bad, not terribly good.... it works though.


Chorus
Touch me, tease me
Push me, please me
Make it sleazy
Take it easy

Verse 4
I poison everything, posion everyone
Toxins in the water, drugs are in the food
Your medications are for fun
After all whatever gets you in the mood


cool.


alright... so as i said before... this song works well within the genre... not much i could see wrong with it.... good job... especially for an early piece.... and can you check mine out please... in my sig.