#1
ok, try to make up funny version of the "aristocrats " joke. for those of you who don't know what is the joke is, i will tell you.

you start with some thing about a guy walking into a play audition, and the play producer asks the guy what his act is like, then hear is when the your improve skills come in , you must describe what his act is like as if you were talking to the play producer. the point of the of the joke is come up with the most ridiculous act for the play, be sure to enlude things like blood, sex, S*** , and vomit. and at the end the play producer asks what the name of the act is and the guy says the aristocrats!

any ?'s ask me.

enjoy
Quote by Ross724
whats harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree

nailing a live baby to a dog
#2
This guy walks into an audition, he then realises he was in the wrong place and leaves

He was spared the grossness of the next act to walk through the door...
#3
A guy walks in an audition and he says " What a retarded thread!"


And then the thread get closed. Funny, eh?
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Last edited by real_québécois at Jan 31, 2007,
#4
whats an aristocrat....?
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#5
wiki dat sh1t
Quote by screamingfool34
people here are idiot.
Quote by Mr_H_MASTER
the only good wahs out there are Slashs, Zacks, and Dimebags.
Quote by evan1234567
im to tired and confused to comprehend what you said.
#6
Quote by real_québécois
A guy walks in an audition and then he says " What a pointless thread!"


And then the thread get closed. Funny, eh?


But, then he realises he has a small penis.
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#8
ok ok i got one. three tomatoes are walking down the street, a papa tomatoe, a mama tomatoe, and a baby tomatoe. The baby tomatoe starts to like fall behind and the pap tomatoe gets all mad and goes up to the baby and squashes him and say "catch up!"


hell yeah

#9
So this dude walks into a talent agent, and asks the man if he can audition for a role. The talent agent goes, alright, no problem, whats your act? The man tells him its a family act. The talent agent is a little reluctant about family acts, but the man looks sincere enough so he gives the man a shot. Clearly excited, the man gives a whistle that announce the start of the show.

To start, the man rips off all his cloaths in a fashionable sense and is standing there stark nude. Then walks in his 19 y/o wife who is naked as well and starts ****ing her in the ass. In a matter of a minute, he pulls out of her, sticks his dick down her throat, and comes in her mouth. This causes her to puke. As she's puking, their two chidren run out with a kiddie pool, and let the mother fill the pool with the puke. The kids then procede to take a piss into the pool, and jump in. Next the father grabs the family dogs and throws them into the pool, where the kids proceed to have sex with the animals. The father calls out two of his brothers out and they start jacking off around the kids, and spray jizz allover the place. Two of the wives sisters come out, and proceed to have thier periods, right into the pool. So the kids are still romping w/ the dogs in the piss and the puke and the jizz and the blood, when the grandmother comes out and jumps in w/ them. The father and his two brothers follow behind her and start 3 waying her, one in each whole. The kids then stop ****ing the dogs and start having 69's with the wive's sister, while the wife pulls out a 20 inch dildo and starts masturbating right infront of them all. This goes on for three minutes and then they all stop, grab the dogs, and preform a live sacrifice of both dogs with the dildo. As soon as both dogs are dead, fireworks set off and they all stand up, covered in piss, jizz, blood and puke, and give a huge bow.

The talent agent, completely shocked goes, "What do you call that"

The father proudly puffs out his chest and says "The aristocrats"

The talent agent, still in awe goes, "I love it, when can you start"
Last edited by Devon_555 at Jan 31, 2007,
#11
pics?
Quote by screamingfool34
people here are idiot.
Quote by Mr_H_MASTER
the only good wahs out there are Slashs, Zacks, and Dimebags.
Quote by evan1234567
im to tired and confused to comprehend what you said.
#13
because you touch yourself at night
Quote by screamingfool34
people here are idiot.
Quote by Mr_H_MASTER
the only good wahs out there are Slashs, Zacks, and Dimebags.
Quote by evan1234567
im to tired and confused to comprehend what you said.
#14
Quote by Devon_555
So this dude walks into a talent agent, and asks the man if he can audition for a role. The talent agent goes, alright, no problem, whats your act? The man tells him its a family act. The talent agent is a little reluctant about family acts, but the man looks sincere enough so he gives the man a shot. Clearly excited, the man gives a whistle that announce the start of the show.

To start, the man rips off all his cloaths in a fashionable sense and is standing there stark nude. Then walks in his 19 y/o wife who is naked as well and starts ****ing her in the ass. In a matter of a minute, he pulls out of her, sticks his dick down her throat, and comes in her mouth. This causes her to puke. As she's puking, their two chidren run out with a kiddie pool, and let the mother fill the pool with the puke. The kids then procede to take a piss into the pool, and jump in. Next the father grabs the family dogs and throws them into the pool, where the kids proceed to have sex with the animals. The father calls out two of his brothers out and they start jacking off around the kids, and spray jizz allover the place. Two of the wives sisters come out, and proceed to have thier periods, right into the pool. So the kids are still romping w/ the dogs in the piss and the puke and the jizz and the blood, when the grandmother comes out and jumps in w/ them. The father and his two brothers follow behind her and start 3 waying her, one in each whole. The kids then stop ****ing the dogs and start having 69's with the wive's sister, while the wife pulls out a 20 inch dildo and starts masturbating right infront of them all. This goes on for three minutes and then they all stop, grab the dogs, and preform a live sacrifice of both dogs with the dildo. As soon as both dogs are dead, fireworks set off and they all stand up, covered in piss, jizz, blood and puke, and give a huge bow.

The talent agent, completely shocked goes, "What do you call that"

The father proudly puffs out his chest and says "The aristocrats"

The talent agent, still in awe goes, "I love it, when can you start"


That is possibly the nastiest piece of shit I ever read....

But damn was it a ****in brilliant read.
Sat in a lab, curing diseases. They actually LET me play with chemicals!
#15
Quote by real_québécois
A guy walks in an audition and he says " What a retarded thread!"


And then the thread get closed. Funny, eh?






On a more serious note, I never really got these aristocrat jokes, they just made me want to puke . Can anyone please explain?
Co-President of UG's Tubgirl Virgins Club

#17
a man walks in to an audition

he auditions with the folowing act.

he takes the Kung fu stance of Bruce lee and kicks himself in the teeth, knocking them all out. he puts them up his ass and then he felates himself.
after a grueling ten minutes he spits the manjam at the auditioner guy and chuck norris roundhouses the person next in line whom thought he had finished and walked in. he then felates the unconcious body and enjoys it too much. realises he has felated way too much and thus craps in the mans mouth. he then proceeds to vomit in his own shoe, which he then drinks.

what is this act? asked the dude

the aristocrats
Quote by Last_Serenade
dimebag put as much emotion in to 9/10 of his solos as hitler showed when putting jews in syanide showers.

Quote by P-Laverty
QUESTION! Does emo porn have blood everywhere from wrist wounds?

Quote by Dabey
HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ

no but seriously, HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ
#18
Quote by Jdwannabe
a man walks in to an audition

he auditions with the folowing act.

he takes the Kung fu stance of Bruce lee and kicks himself in the teeth, knocking them all out. he puts them up his ass and then he felates himself.
after a grueling ten minutes he spits the manjam at the auditioner guy and chuck norris roundhouses the person next in line whom thought he had finished and walked in. he then felates the unconcious body and enjoys it too much. realises he has felated way too much and thus craps in the mans mouth. he then proceeds to vomit in his own shoe, which he then drinks.

what is this act? asked the dude

the aristocrats

where's the jizz?
this story needs more jizz and robots, hence i declare this story LAME

#19
manjam is jizz u gay
Quote by Last_Serenade
dimebag put as much emotion in to 9/10 of his solos as hitler showed when putting jews in syanide showers.

Quote by P-Laverty
QUESTION! Does emo porn have blood everywhere from wrist wounds?

Quote by Dabey
HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ

no but seriously, HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ
#20
agreed. needs robots
Quote by screamingfool34
people here are idiot.
Quote by Mr_H_MASTER
the only good wahs out there are Slashs, Zacks, and Dimebags.
Quote by evan1234567
im to tired and confused to comprehend what you said.
#21
Quote by Jdwannabe
manjam is jizz u gay

pardon me, my bad, but where's the robots eh?

#22
he IS a robot. thats the twist!!!
Quote by Last_Serenade
dimebag put as much emotion in to 9/10 of his solos as hitler showed when putting jews in syanide showers.

Quote by P-Laverty
QUESTION! Does emo porn have blood everywhere from wrist wounds?

Quote by Dabey
HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ

no but seriously, HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ
#23
Quote by Jdwannabe
he IS a robot. thats the twist!!!

ZOMG that just made it all better. whatatwist! nice job

#24
thanks man. i should be an author haha. i left the robot secret to my readers because as its an aristocrat i assume they can put 2 n 2 together. like shakespeare i assume u know stupid shit u wud never know
Quote by Last_Serenade
dimebag put as much emotion in to 9/10 of his solos as hitler showed when putting jews in syanide showers.

Quote by P-Laverty
QUESTION! Does emo porn have blood everywhere from wrist wounds?

Quote by Dabey
HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ

no but seriously, HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ
#25
Quote by JamieB
On a more serious note, I never really got these aristocrat jokes, they just made me want to puke . Can anyone please explain?


The punchline isnt really the joke. The point is to make up as much uneccessarily nasty, disgusting, incest ridden shit you can, throw it all into one package, and disgust the audience. Theres a whole documentary on it, quite amusing acctually.
#26
A man walks into a talent agency, walks into the head producers office, and says: "Have I got an act for you." The producer looks him up and down, nods, and replies: "What have you got for me?" The door opens again, and his wife, son, daughter, german shepherd, next door neighbor, and a midget carrying a suitcase walk in. As soon as everyone is ready, they all disrobe. The midget sets down the suitcase, but before he can open it the german shepherd starts ****ing him, and in perfect synchronization the man and his neighbor start ear ****ing him while the son blows the dog.

While this is going on the midget manages to open the briefcase, and the wife and daughter pull out matching dildos and start masturbating with them. After they finish, they trade dildos and do it all over again. Meanwhile, the man and his neighbor have finished ear ****ing the midget and proceed to screw the wife and daughter in the ass while they masturbate with the dildo the previous was using. While this is going on the son finishes blowing the dog, spits the semen into a bowl on the floor that the midget has produced, and begins masturbating furiously into the same bowl while the man and his neighbor trade off, so the neighbor is ****ing the man's wife in the ass and the man is ****ing his daughter in the ass.

At this point the midget decides to get in on the action so he pulls out the wife and daughter's dildos, licks them clean, spits the residue into the bowl, and replaces them in the suitcase. The son, noticing that his mother and sister's vaginas are now vacant, begins fingering the both of them while the German Shepherd ****s him in the ass. Now, up to this point the whole act has been synchronized with "Hotel California". The man and his neighbor pull out, and proceed to 69 each other to get the anal residue and semen off, which they also spit into the same bowl.

To cap this off, the midget then empties the loose earwax and semen from his ears into the bowl. Seeing their cue, everyone stops to take a dump in the bowl and finish their current orgasm, also into the bowl. So there is currently anal residue, earwax, feces, and about a pint of semen rolling around in this bowl, so it is taking on the color and consistency of Butter nut pecan flavored ice cream.

The bowl is not quite full yet, so this time the daughter starts licking her mother's **** while the mother blows the son while the son blows the dog while the dog licks the man's ass while he ****s the neighbor in the ass while the midget stands back masturbating and watching. After this act is done, everyone cums into the bowl, so along with the initial earwax, semen, feces and anal residue there is now vaginal residue, saliva, and sweat to top it all off (sweat, ew gross).

By now the bowl is full, and it is in pudding form after the midget stirred it up with an eggbeater he pulled out of the suitcase. Everyone gathers around the bowl, takes a drink from it, but before they swallow everyone french kisses to trade it around a couple of times. A few drops spill, but the dog licks it up. After it is traded around a few times, everyone claps their hands and swallows. They then turn, take a bow, and all semi-gargle "Ta-Da!". The producer sits back in stunned silence. Finally he says: "I have never in my life seen an act like that, what do you call yourselves?" They all jump in the air, hit a pose and triumphantly yell:

"The Aristocrats!"

Edit: This is my version that I put into every one of these threads that pops up, and so far, every thread has died shortly afterwards.
Is it a bad thing if one of your testicles is larger then the other two?
Last edited by The Leader at Jan 31, 2007,
#27
i think " the leader" wins
Quote by Ross724
whats harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree

nailing a live baby to a dog
#28
I had a really screwed up one in the last thread. I still wonder why I posted it...
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#29
Man, I was always wondering what The Aristocrats actually consisted of. I didn't know until now. Awesome. I love it

I'd make up one myself but I can't be bothered. I know my mind is sick enough to bring up something juicy though.
I didn't have a signature until now.
#32
A man walks into a talent agency, walks into the head producers office and says: I have an act for you. The talent manager then responds: "Well lrts hear it.
It goes like this: First my two sons and 2 daughters enter the stage alongwith my grandmother wife and two dogs. Then they all rip their clothes of and begins masturating and coming over eachother then i grab a knife and cuts open one of the dogs and all of the members starts to have sex with various intestines after coming in them they throw it into a blender til it turns into a red bluish sort of substance and each and everyone of us put it in our mouth and spits it into the grandothers mouth who swallow it and pukes allover one of my sons after that everyone begins to lick it of off him.

Then i grab the knife and cut of my penis with the knife and feeds it to one of the dogs, after that i cut open my ballsack and my son suck out the testicles and swallows them. Then we all defecate into the dead dogs emptied out body and put it together and then roasts it over an open fire and after that cuts it in pieces and eat it whole feeding the leftover to the remaining dog. Then i stretch open my anus and my two sons puke in it and my wife defecate in it and forces it further up my bowel with a buttplug. Then they put a pump in there to build up pressure and pull it out, shooting all of the vomit and feces all over the family shortly after that one of my sons engage in sex with the dogs while the rest of the family has 69 with eachother while i lick all of the feces and vomit of off them and bleeding on them with the gash left from where the penis used to be. Then i take a huge dildo and foces it up my colon breaking my bowel totally spewing blood and guts everywhere my family then eats all of this.

As i lay dead my family jumps into pose and shouts : THE END!

"And thats the act."

What do you call this act the talent mangaer asks.

An the man says: The aristocrats.

Sick enough for you?
#33
So a man walks into a talent agency for an audition to send his act on the road. The talent agency hasn't been doing well lately, so they're hard pressed for acts, and ask him to give a demonstration of his act. The man quickly ushers his wife into the room.

The song Kim is then acted out in real life.

The mans name is Slim Shady.
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#34
whats an aristocrat....?


Typo of aristocat.

And I've never got this joke
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well i get on the net and chat with hot chicks alot.
most of them want to see me naked.. and they are over 18..
#35
Quote by Hobolad
Typo of aristocat.

And I've never got this joke


I take it as a contest of who can be the sickest.