#1
I Read a book on deserts then watched judge judy and came up with this.

Desert sands,
Blowin from a breeze.
The sun above,
It throws me to my knees.

But still, I walk.
I follow that same path as before.
I walk down the dune,
Up Above me the clouds soar.

My throat is a shriveled prune,
Rain shall come but not too soon,
Your memory is drip of water,
After all oceans dried up.

I see the patterns in the sky,
This is the place where I die,
Your support was a canteen,
but your leaving was salt in my drink.

I see the sunset,
I feel the sands wet,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

I feel the breeze at midnight,
its like shade from the blazing light.
I hear your voice calling in the wind,
Its like thunder and I think back again.

I feel the midnight
It feels so right,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

I lie here in the H20,
I float on the top like a liferaft,
Telling the skys a subtle hello,
Cursing the gods for givin me the shaft.

I feel the midnight
It feels so right,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

I open the lids of my eyes,
Looking up into red skies.
I'm vaguely aware of the sunrise.
Time to tell you my goodbyes.

Youre leaving me with is void.
I think back to times that we enjoyed.
Its nice to know you never cared.
Flew off with everything we shared.

I see a bright light,
And now its alright,
And now the water,
coming to my throat...
#2
Desert sands,
Blowin from a breeze.
The sun above,
It throws me to my knees.

For some reason, instantly I get a Jim Morrison vibe from this, I don't know if I'm supposed to but I like this alot.

But still, I walk.
I follow that same path as before.
I walk down the dune,
Up Above me the clouds soar.

I still like this stanza, but I loose the Morrison vibe a little bit, I think there might be a better way to word that last line but I wouldn't worry to much about changing it.

My throat is a shriveled prune,
Rain shall come but not too soon,
Your memory is drip of water,
After all oceans dried up.

And Morrison is back, you're toying with me with this song aren't you...


I see the patterns in the sky,
This is the place where I die,
Your support was a canteen,
but your leaving was salt in my drink.

I lose the flow a little on the last line but it's still great and I like it alot.

I see the sunset,
I feel the sands wet,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

Still great

I feel the breeze at midnight,
its like shade from the blazing light.
I hear your voice calling in the wind,
Its like thunder and I think back again.

maybe a little bit cliche here, but it fits the song so I'd say you could get away with it.

I feel the midnight
It feels so right,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

Nice, I like this


I lie here in the H20,
I float on the top like a liferaft,
Telling the skys a subtle hello,
Cursing the gods for givin me the shaft.

I don't really like the "H20" line that much, but I see the rhyme and it makes it a little better, other than it's another great stanza minus a few spelling mistakes

I feel the midnight
It feels so right,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

I open the lids of my eyes,
Looking up into red skies.
I'm vaguely aware of the sunrise.
Time to tell you my goodbyes.

I like it, I lost the Morrison vibe again, but still good.

Youre leaving me with is void.
I think back to times that we enjoyed.
Its nice to know you never cared.
Flew off with everything we shared.

great except for one thing the "that" in L2 is just a filler, and you could do better removing it.

I see a bright light,
And now its alright,
And now the water,
coming to my throat...

Nice subtle ending, I liked this, you did a good job and if you couldn't tell I really enjoyed the parts where I thought you resembled Morrison. Keep it up man and thanks for the crit on both of mine by the way
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#3
Desert sands,
Blowin from a breeze.
The sun above,
It throws me to my knees.

But still, I walk.
I follow that same path as before.
I walk down the dune,

Up Above me the clouds soar.
====try cutting down the 2nd line

My throat is a shriveled prune,
Rain shall come but not too soon,
Your memory is drip of water,
After all oceans dried up.
====last 2 lines dont make sense to me

I see the patterns in the sky,
This is the place where I die,
Your support was a canteen,
but your leaving was salt in my drink.
====nice

I see the sunset,
I feel the sands wet,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.
=====try adding one more line to this

I feel the breeze at midnight,
its like shade from the blazing light.
I hear your voice calling in the wind,
Its like thunder and I think back again.

I feel the midnight
It feels so right,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.
=====you already used the lines in this verse before, take this verse out

I lie here in the H20,
I float on the top like a liferaft,
Telling the skys a subtle hello,
Cursing the gods for givin me the shaft.
===not as good as ur other verses

I feel the midnight
It feels so right,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.
====so im guesing its a chorus, but it shouldnt be one, a chorus should be able to be used anywhere in the song, this wouldnt fit near the begining

I open the lids of my eyes,
Looking up into red skies.
I'm vaguely aware of the sunrise.
Time to tell you my goodbyes.
====decent===

Youre leaving me with is void.==== 'with is void'??
I think back to times that we enjoyed.
Its nice to know you never cared.
Flew off with everything we shared.

I see a bright light,
And now its alright,
And now the water,
coming to my throat..

its pretty good at first, but i dont like the repeated use of the water coming to ur throat, its kind of a one time line IMO, and doesnt work well with in a chorus.

crit my new one if you could plz
#6
Desert sands,
Blowin from a breeze.
The sun above,
It throws me to my knees.

Good start i would get rid of the it from L4 as it slows the flow.

But still, I walk.
I follow that same path as before.
I walk down the dune,
Up Above me the clouds soar.

the second and fourth line could be worded better but thats because you have forced a rhyme which doesnt fit there. i dont really like the reference to a dune either it sounds like its a really harsh word in the piece if that makes sense.

My throat is a shriveled prune,
Rain shall come but not too soon,
Your memory is drip of water,
After all oceans dried up.

I like the middle two lines they are clever however i dont think the first and last line ae as good. the second line almost says the same thing as the fourth line and as a result isnt really needed and the first line doesnt really fit with the rest of the stanza. but i do like the middle two lines a lot.

I see the patterns in the sky,
This is the place where I die,
Your support was a canteen,
but your leaving was salt in my drink.

Not bad L1 seems a little forced.


I see the sunset,
I feel the sands wet,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

L2 doesnt really make sense as again youve gone for the rhyme.


I feel the breeze at midnight,
its like shade from the blazing light.
I hear your voice calling in the wind,
Its like thunder and I think back again.

I feel the midnight
It feels so right,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

I lie here in the H20,
I float on the top like a liferaft,
Telling the skys a subtle hello,
Cursing the gods for givin me the shaft.

I feel the midnight
It feels so right,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

I open the lids of my eyes,
Looking up into red skies.
I'm vaguely aware of the sunrise.
Time to tell you my goodbyes.

Youre leaving me with is void.
I think back to times that we enjoyed.
Its nice to know you never cared.
Flew off with everything we shared.

I see a bright light,
And now its alright,
And now the water,
coming to my throat...

I think this could be improved especially through removing the rhyme scheme throughout there was maybe one or two times where you seemed to be referring to the desert as a person which i liked for example "Rain shall come but not too soon,Your memory is drip of water,After all oceans dried up." which i liked and could be quite interesting as a song

Please check out something in my sig thanks.
#7
Quote by Greenguy32123
I Read a book on deserts then watched judge judy and came up with this.

Desert sands,
Blowin from a breeze.
The sun above,
It throws me to my knees.

good. simple, i like the last line.

But still, I walk.
I follow that same path as before.
I walk down the dune,
Up Above me the clouds soar.

again, simple. very mellow so far.

My throat is a shriveled prune,
Rain shall come but not too soon,
Your memory is drip of water,
After all oceans dried up.

I see the patterns in the sky,
This is the place where I die,
Your support was a canteen,
but your leaving was salt in my drink.

i like these two stanzas alot. the last line in the second doesnt fit real well the way im singing it but i get the idea and i really like it.

I see the sunset,
I feel the sands wet,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

I feel the breeze at midnight,
its like shade from the blazing light.
I hear your voice calling in the wind,
Its like thunder and I think back again.

good imagery

I feel the midnight
It feels so right,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

I lie here in the H20,
I float on the top like a liferaft,
Telling the skys a subtle hello,
Cursing the gods for givin me the shaft.

i understand the rhyme but the H20 feels kind of odd here.

I feel the midnight
It feels so right,
and now the water,
coming to my throat.

I open the lids of my eyes,
Looking up into red skies.
I'm vaguely aware of the sunrise.
Time to tell you my goodbyes.

Youre leaving me with is void.
I think back to times that we enjoyed.
Its nice to know you never cared.
Flew off with everything we shared.

these two are really good, probably my favorite out of the whole piece.

I see a bright light,
And now its alright,
And now the water,
coming to my throat...



overall i like the piece. it seems mellow but i could also see it having a Ra(great band) feeling to it. i hope to see more from you. thanks for the crit on mine man.
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



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