#1
Ok i've finished writing this now, I have changed it around a little since I last showed it and added a bridge and some other extras.

Here is what the guitar is meant to sound like to give you a better idea:

http://media.putfile.com/It-you

A few mistakes in there but it was just a quick run through to give you an idea also it's very basica atm because it's just the rythm.


The park bench is always empty,
but there me sitting all unwealthy

I waiting for this space to be taken,
its taking long but I have my patience

Its getting cold and pretty dark, (and)
i stand up and start to walk

I feel the words hit the back of my neck


It's you, ect

The one i've waited for forever,
the one I thought would never deliver

But then you came and you changed my mind,


I wined you and I dined you
kept you in my arms all the way through

My heart is open but please don't tear
I waiting for your answer do you still care ?

It's you, ect


I know your woundering where i'm going, don't worry i'm just falling and flowing

For some reason love feels so cold, I feel your hands sliping from my hold

It's you, its you, the only one, but wait it can't be true

It's true.. it's true, but if it isn't i don't know what to do


Ok I know it's no masterpeice but I would like crit on it as much as possible thanks.
#3
Quote by Nogert


The park bench is always empty,
but there me sitting all unwealthy

I waiting for this space to be taken,
its taking long but I have my patience

i like this stanza, the words dont flow real well, maybe if you reworded it a bit and fixed the grammar, but overall i like it.


Its getting cold and pretty dark, (and)
i stand up and start to walk

I feel the words hit the back of my neck


It's you, ect

this one is pretty good too, the first two lines fit fine, but i dont really get the "its you, ect" whats that mean exactly?

The one i've waited for forever,
the one I thought would never deliver

But then you came and you changed my mind,
the wording is kinda funny here for the first two lines, just fix the grammar and im sure it will flow better. i like the third line. is it like an interlude/fill type of thing into the next part, (assuming) chorus?

I wined you and I dined you
kept you in my arms all the way through

My heart is open but please don't tear
I waiting for your answer do you still care ?

It's you, ect

reword it here. the idea of a tearing heart is a bit cliche, but everyone says that. everything is cliche nowadays. again the "its you, ect" still dont get it.

I know your woundering where i'm going, don't worry i'm just falling and flowing

For some reason love feels so cold, I feel your hands sliping from my hold

It's you, its you, the only one, but wait it can't be true

It's true.. it's true, but if it isn't i don't know what to do

a bit confusing here, saying its not true, then it is, but if its not....i like the idea. play around with it. youve got some good ideas.

.



all in all it needs some work, but on the plus side i really like the guitar. piece it all together and youll have a pretty cool song. i hope this helps...
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



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Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#4
The park bench is always empty,
but there me sitting all unwealthy

Umm interesting start, although the rhyme here sounds a little forced.

I waiting for this space to be taken,
its taking long but I have my patience

I find it a little annoying that you keep using writing I instead of I'm, it makes things a little more interesting, but is just annoying to read.

Its getting cold and pretty dark, (and)
i stand up and start to walk

Not much to say about this, its pretty, perhaps just a little too many ands.

I feel the words hit the back of my neck

It's you, ect

huh?

The one i've waited for forever,
the one I thought would never deliver

Good continuation, although I don't think that the word 'deliver' fits perfectly here.

But then you came and you changed my mind,


I wined you and I dined you
kept you in my arms all the way through

My heart is open but please don't tear
I waiting for your answer do you still care ?

Again that thing with I instead of I'm, the first line is a little cliche, but still good.

It's you, ect

Again, huh? what does this line mean?

I know your woundering where i'm going, don't worry i'm just falling and flowing

For some reason love feels so cold, I feel your hands sliping from my hold

It's you, its you, the only one, but wait it can't be true

It's true.. it's true, but if it isn't i don't know what to do

Good closure, keeps the cold feel going, and finishes things well.

Overall, I liked this song, especially the start, with the bench, I think that's a beautiful way of looking at things, sad but beautiful, although after the part with "I feel the words..." I feel that the song goes downhill a little, still good but not quite as good as the start.

C4C? my latest song is "A bird has flown", its in my sig.
#5
First of all THANKYOU I appreciate it so much for you to crit like that, it's very very helpfull to me, the I's you were talking about :s my mistake there meant to be i'm but I made a typo.

As for the its, you that is the chorus, the it just goes on sayign it's you for a bit, sorry to confuse.

Also I agree with you on the first line the unwleathy feels a bit forced, i'm trying to get across that the guy is poor and pretty much onth edge didn't know what else to do :/

All in all thankyou so much, i'll check out your song now.

Also to the first poster, thankyou to the compliments on the guitar riff, I could do with spending a bit more time on that and getting it perfect aswell, thanks
Last edited by Nogert at Feb 2, 2007,