#1
Edit: Goddammit! its such a stupid title, like a friggin neyo song From now on, its "Untitled"

This is my second attempt writing lyrics, for a song I'm working on. Hope it's not lame Crit for Crit, Commentado Appreciati

Her parents want her hat back
Should prob'ly give her head back first
They think they want her heart back
But that's not gonna cool their thirst
They don't know what to do now
I don't, but I got here first
They're crying out to help now
She says let them do their worst

She'll never know the meaning of waiting in line
They say its their daughter and she says that she's mine
I'm trying not to sleep but it's wasting in time
When she's tripping free of guilt, I'll finally get mine

They always said back then that I'd do it the worst
Gettin' used to clocking in, getting there first
I finally have a party
They're crying to the folks, but she says that she's fine
I wish i could remember when I envied that mind
It's a fucking disgrace, to deal with this kind
But hey I got a party

I say I'm feeling guilty and she says that she's great
We'll share a candle and a trip in this wonderful state
Their imaginary fire will soon illuminate
How we could have rotted inside but still have felt great

Now her ****ing parents won't have a story to tell
How their girl got high on life and she's doing so well
Cause she burned her life to ashes
And we're doing real well
Tonight's another party, real heaven in hell


yaaaaaayyyy!
Last edited by Siftings at Jan 31, 2007,
#2
Not bad, the stanzas are a little jumpy and the story can get a little hard to follow,
and "high on life" is a little cliche(add accent over 'e')
in my opinion...
#3
story?....oh right. Yeah that was supposed to sound cliche, it's like the girl's parents' hopes for the girl are cliche. I do have to streamline it though, I just kinda plowed through it.

Thanks for the crit
#4
I farkin' love this stanza:

She'll never know the meaning of waiting in line
They say its their daughter and she says that she's mine
I'm trying not to sleep but it's wasting in time
When she's tripping free of guilt, I'll finally get mine


#5
Really? to you too

I'm a bit tired now so I'm going to bed, but I'll crit yours tomorrow.
#7
it is kinda jumpy but it's really not bad, the one stanza inparticular that bothers me is the third stanza. the rhyming isn't the same as everywhere else, and it's just kinda hard to follow, the third stanza starts out great, but then it just doesnt do well after the first couple of lines. overall though, good job
#8
I agree with zuka about the second stanza, it was my favorite, and it flowed really well. This was pretty good, especially since it's your second attempt at writing a song. This was pretty original compared to most of the stuff I read on here. Sorry but I can't find a whole lot to say about this.
#9
sounds great but in this stanza you rhymed mine with mine it seems like you could have used a different word still sounds good

She'll never know the meaning of waiting in line
They say its their daughter and she says that she's mine
I'm trying not to sleep but it's wasting in time
When she's tripping free of guilt, I'll finally get mine
#10
Yeah I was kind of iffy on that - but I didn't want to change it just for the sake of using a different word. I'll probably scrap the third and first stanzas. I tried to get all experimental in the third, and I just don't like the first. But thanks for the crits
#12
I go into the S&L forum, like what's goin' on in here? , and I'm like "Somebody critted my thing!" and I'm like "Yes!"

and now I'm sad. The story was half-assed and corny, but come on, boring? I have to improve i know but....
#13
Her parents want her hat back
Should prob'ly give her head back first
They think they want her heart back
But that's not gonna cool their thirst
They don't know what to do now
I don't, but I got here first
They're crying out to help now
She says let them do their worst
=== you ended 2 liens with ' now' and 2 lines with 'first', and 2 lines with 'back' with a 3rd 'back towards the end of line 2. thats to many repeating words at the end of the lines.

She'll never know the meaning of waiting in line
They say its their daughter and she says that she's mine
I'm trying not to sleep but it's wasting in time
When she's tripping free of guilt, I'll finally get mine
===this is ok, little confusing
They always said back then that I'd do it the worst
Gettin' used to clocking in, getting there first
I finally have a party
They're crying to the folks, but she says that she's fine
I wish i could remember when I envied that mind
It's a ****ing disgrace, to deal with this kind
But hey I got a party==== i dont like this line,its weak IMO

I say I'm feeling guilty and she says that she's great
We'll share a candle and a trip in this wonderful state==this rhyme seems weak and forced
Their imaginary fire will soon illuminate==this is a better rhyme
How we could have rotted inside but still have felt great===you ended 2 liness with great,now thats not to bad, just dont do it to often

Now her ****ing parents won't have a story to tell
How their girl got high on life and she's doing so well
Cause she burned her life to ashes
And we're doing real well
Tonight's another party, real heaven in hell

overal, not bad, but u used alot of simple rhymes 'tell,well,hell' and u repeated words at the end of the first stanza alot. try to cut back onthat, and u have a pretty good song. if ya could crit my latest lyrics...id be happy
#14
hey man, really, youve got to listen to retribution here. lol, and dont worry about it, he and a few others have shot down some of my stuff, and for a 2nd try at writing, this isn't half bad. Maybe throw in some metaphor or imagery, make it more interesting because, really, the guy got it just about right saying it was boring. Make it interesting and you'll make the whoel thing better.
#15
Quote by Siftings
I go into the S&L forum, like what's goin' on in here? , and I'm like "Somebody critted my thing!" and I'm like "Yes!"

and now I'm sad. The story was half-assed and corny, but come on, boring? I have to improve i know but....


If you know it's half-assed and corny, then you really shouldn't be surprised I was bored by this entire piece.

Read the Lyrics Tips thread on meter, imagery, metaphors, and what not, but most of all write more seriously. Write about things that actually are affecting you, rather than some story about... well, yeah. It was stupid.