#1
CRIT4CRIT
This isn't very good the way it is now, I think I need to do something else with the idea, I've been brain storming but I couldn't come up with anything, I might make changes later.

"Merry-Go-Rounds Made Out of Broken Glass" (free form poem)

I'm lying face-up on
a merry-go-round
that's slowly turning.
I move my arm
and I cut myself.
I can't move an inch
let alone stand up,
what's the point anyway?
I'm so dizzy
I'd probably just fall
right back down.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 1, 2007,
#2
I like it, I kind of get a sadder-ish vibe from it..

What was your inspiration [if any]?
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#3
"I can't even move an inch
yet alone stand up,
what's the point anyway"

that should be "let alone"
I think you should expand it, put in some more detail or something. Just think about all the circumstances and the whole situation, and then put it to paper. It sounds like you wrote it as you went along and it's too simple. It does flow though. Reminds me of "Old Man Sticks" kind of.
#4
I think you could elaborate a little on a few lines, like sift said.

It kind of comes off as more of a story, not a description... if you know what I mean.

But overall, I do like it :]
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#5
I'm laying face-up on
Correct grammar would be "I'm lying..."
You "lay" something else down. (I lay the book on the table)
You "lie" yourself down.

a merry-go-round
that's slowly turning.
I like this first sentence, really. It's direct and, I don't know, simple and elegant.
I move my arm
and I cut myself.
"Danm that hurt."
Really unclear. When something is this ambiguous (how did you cut your arm?) it loses all poetic power.
I can't even move an inch
yet alone stand up,
Yeah it probably should be "let."
what's the point anyway Question mark
I'm so dizzy
I'd probably just fall
right back down.
The good thing is that this piece could have a deeper meaning. The bad thing is that it could have an infinite amount of them.

For example: I imagine the merry-go-round is the dream world that Plato described in the republic, which we humans view as the "real world." You are closer in tune with the platonic oversoul (heaven) since you realize that you are trapped on a merry-go-round, and the others simply view it as normal. but the merry go round has clouded your perception such that when you try to escape, you can't. because you're too dizzy. So you're stuck between blindness and transendence, which causes suffering (the arm cut.)

Probably not what you meant. And I could do many many more of these. I guess what I'm saying is, be clearer in your meaning. Sorry it took me so long.

I'd love if you could get to mine, and bump it and shit. It's down there, maybe on the second page. There's an arrow next to it. Thanks kiddo.
#6
Thanks for the crits, I corrected the grammar errors. I'll get to yours, chase and sifting, after school.

Sorry chase yours got closed, I thought it was like a prose in parts, but I didn't read the top where you said they were song's, sorry.
Last edited by stratkat at Feb 1, 2007,
#7
I'm lying face-up on
a merry-go-round
that's slowly turning.
I move my arm
and I cut myself.
"Damn that hurt."
I can't even move an inch
let alone stand up,
what's the point anyway?
I'm so dizzy
I'd probably just fall
right back down.

I loved it, short but still has so much meat in it.
I really liked the whole merry-go-round metaphor, it is so simple and yet can mean so many different things to every person, a false love, a crumbling life... so much in such a small song.
The only problematic line is the last two lines, the flow doesn't feel to good to me, but really that's just nitpicking, as I try desperately to find something wrong with this song.
C4C? my last song is "A Bird Has Flown" in my sig.
#8
Quote by stratkat
CRIT4CRIT
This isn't very good the way it is now, I think I need to do something else with the idea, I've been brain storming but I couldn't come up with anything, I might make changes later.

"Merry-Go-Rounds Made Out of Broken Glass" (free form poem)

Broken glass/cliche. The title needs changing, tbh.

I'm lying face-up on
a merry-go-round
that's slowly turning.

Nice, simple start. Very nice.

I move my arm
and I cut myself.

I think it needs clearing up. Possibly referring to the glass in the title but I think it's not a good way to link it in, kind of not very well. This needs expanding on, definitely.

"Damn that hurt."

Kind of flat dialogue here. I don't think it's entirely needed really, I think it could be taken out. Doesn't add much to the piece tbh.

I can't even move an inch

Take out the even, it's clumsy wording. Works much better without it.

let alone stand up,
what's the point anyway?

Not great, but nice simple tone, which I like.

I'm so dizzy
I'd probably just fall
right back down.

Nice, nice ending. A short and quite vague piece that probably has deep meaning to you, but like the above said, alot of people could get alot of different things out of it.


In my sig if you could, strat
#9
I Like The Song, Its Could Make A Great Song.

Its Was Just That "Damn that hurt" Part, It made Me Uneasy And Dull.

But Overall its good
#10
I feel like this is possibly is the start of something good, but for now it does very little for the senses. I think a good idea might be since you cut yourself, maybe as you turn on your side, you noticed that the blood that has been dripping has made a pattern of something you can relate to or that brings back a memory. idk, just a thought to help you expand on this.
#11
The idea of Merry-go-rounds of glass is an interesting one. I like how you introduced the idea of cutting yourself, perhaps you could add some comparisons to the sharpness of it, perhaps literally and metaphorically. Perhaps bleeding, as well...?
I'll also bring up the title. I think replacing "made of" with "composed", or something similar would sound better. Just a thought. Overall, I like the imagery you've given, it's very mystic.

Edit: Maybe add reference to color (Is it transparent, clear?)

If you get the time, here's the latest.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=516350
Thanks.
#12
You need to either expand this with more stanzas, or add some flowery language to whatcho got, and add some background information.

I mean, it's not bad as it stands, but it's not effective enough. Good start though.

If you get a chance, check out the one in the top of my sig.