#1
Explanation:
Alright, this is my first song idea. I wrote it in like five minutes trying to explain this theory I have where one's mind is capable as perceiving anything as plausible. But one's mind has been taught differently since day one.
Maybe a single being stumbled upon this set of rules (Gravity, Physics, Biology, ETC.)
And taught the rules to others in order to make this life (that the being) discovered less boring.
Maybe now we've all been taught this way...
I wanted to describe a section of this.

"From Birth"
-By: me

[Mold us into what they are
Make me just like them
This is their reality
Adopted as mine
Now we see it all the same

Slaves to reality
Formed by society

Blinded by sight
Deafened by sound
Touch, taste, and smell
I think it's all around

Onto one another
One on top of the other]

I know it's very bad, and I hardly spent any time on it, but all of the things that I could add could be better split into more songs... Please give me some honest advice, I know it isn't anywhere close to decent, but I don't know how to improve it...

Please help!
-Thanks
#2
I don't know, it looks pretty good to me.
I don't write lyrics at all, and I can't figure out how people do it
You should work on this and develop it into a complete song. I'd like to see this on Myspace
92% of teens have moved on to rap. If you are part of the 8% who still listen to real music, copy and paste this

Quote by amazing FretMan
i ripped part of my foreskin off...oh well

Member #9 of the iPods Suck Balls Club, PM Oblivious16037 to join.

My UG Profile
#3
well, the idea is great, I enjoy that theme for the song... but it is just going to take more effort, do a good job with this one and keep working on it. crit for crit, Island for broken boys is mine.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#4
Yeah I really like the theme for this, but in my opinion I think it'd be more interesting if written from the point of view of the guy who created the rules (which I'm assuming it's not). He sounds like an interesting guy. Other than that, you should really think about it more, I think it's a cool idea.

Onto one another
One on top of the other

these lines really suck though

crit for crit?
#5
Yea, that's what I'm saying, I don't really know how to improve so I have nothing to put more effort into.

I was going to make it from that person's point of view for another song after I'm more experienced in songwriting.

I'll crit you as best as I can...
#6
this isn't bad at all, it just needs to be much longer, and you'll need some sort of chorus...

Mold us into what they are
Make me just like them
This is their reality
Adopted as mine
Now we see it all the same

i like this, it really hits the point how when you're taught something from day one you believe it so blindly that it is your reality

Slaves to reality
Formed by society

Blinded by sight
Deafened by sound

Touch, taste, and smell
I think it's all around

Onto one another
One on top of the other

this is all good, i like how you go through each of the senses and tell how they have been corrupted by society, definitely a good point and a possible chorus if you make the song longer, you are working with something everyone can relate to so i'd put some effort in, make another verse, possibly about a couple specific examples you see showing how the molding has effected a person...crit one of mine please?
#7
Cool, thanks for the crit, I sent you one...

I was thinking of eventually setting up a concept album for this organized into chapters.
I have a lot of ideas, and beginnings of songs based off of this concept, however, I'm going to wait until I get better at writing before I submit any more. So I'm very grateful for any advice that anybody can offer me.

{First Songwriting Attempt}


Gear:
Ernie Ball Musicman LTD ED Rosewood
Peavey JSX Head/Cab
Crybaby Wah

Pearl Drums (Remo Heads)
Fender Bass/Amp
#8
quite simply, the theme is good, The rhyming is alright, could be made abit more awkward to enhance the mood to fit the theme, or become more cimetrical and defined.

all you need now is a hook. the rest of it could really get people liking the lyrics, A hook gets them singing it later.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#10
Well, A certain Rhytmic styling will direct the mood of a song.

WIth an awkward, Or untraditional Rhyme scheme, you can mold the sound and direction of a song. Try certain sections at a different tempo, pitch and word choice, you can make the feeling of a song improve... Instead of feeling like a mindless 1a 2a 1b 2b song... ya know?


i just posted a new one, Called the freedom of choice, Check it out, rough work, but a dark genre, See how the mood changes through out the song. rind it in sing song to a slows beat.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#11
Cool, I'll take a look at it and mess around w/ different rhythms. I'm also taking out the last line, organizing this into verse/bridge/chorus/etc. Then I'll add a couple more verses later

{First Songwriting Attempt}


Gear:
Ernie Ball Musicman LTD ED Rosewood
Peavey JSX Head/Cab
Crybaby Wah

Pearl Drums (Remo Heads)
Fender Bass/Amp
#12
You've got a good load of ideas layed out here, but I'd say you need to refine it a bit more. I'd like to see how this turns out after a few revisions, it's intriguing.
#13
Cool, thanks!
I'm just not sure all of what I can do to increase my lyric writing abilities...

{First Songwriting Attempt}


Gear:
Ernie Ball Musicman LTD ED Rosewood
Peavey JSX Head/Cab
Crybaby Wah

Pearl Drums (Remo Heads)
Fender Bass/Amp