#1
been working on this for a few days and hope to get it to my girldfriend brefore valentines day. its no where near finished and i might chang a few lines but crit what i have so far so i can see if i need to start over from scrstch or just make minor revisions


i fell in love with the perfect girl
no one can take her away from me
if i could id run away with her
we'd run away from everyting

we talk on the phone
for three hours straight
though we dont say a word
we've got so much to say

and when i hear her voice
it just takes me away
when i see her smile
it cures all my pain

she is the one
(for the rest of my life)
she is my love
(for the rest of my life)
she is my angel
(watching over my side)
ill alway love her
(until the day that i die)
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
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Last edited by RuleBreaker at Jan 31, 2007,
#2
Quote by RuleBreaker
i fell in love with the perfect girl
no one can take her away from me
if i could id run away with her
we'd run away from everyting
I find that these lines are very unoriginal, and overused. Not very creative.

we talk on the phone
for three hours straight
though we dont say a word
we've got so much to say
Working with contradictions can make for a good song, but this stanza just doesn't make any sense.

and when i hear her voice
it just takes me away
when i see her smile
it cures all my pain
This stanza wasn't that bad, I've no beef with it.

she is the one
(for the rest of my life)
she is my love
(for the rest of my life)
she is my angel
(watching over my side)
ill alway love her
(until the day that i die)
I find that this stanza may be a little strong for Jr High/High School dating, but I'm not the one who decides that. My suggestions for you are to try and be original, maybe personalize this song a bit more, so it's about your relationship, I think that'd be a lot more romantic.
Mm'kay?
#3
Yeah this is good. Its kinda cheesy in places but I guess thats OK for a valentines song. I like how the first three stanzas are kinda grounded in reality, and then you finish with a really emotional one. Your girlfriend will love it

Could you crit one of mine?
#5
ok so i changed. the second verse from:

we talk on the phone
for three hours straight
though we dont say a word
we've got so much to say

to:

we talk on the phone
for three hours straight
although we dont say a word
i still got so much to say

hopefully that makes a little more sense.
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
____________________________________________
#6
that is good, but it kinda sounds familiar, like a bunch of cheesy love songs, all smashed into one. it is good, but corny. the good thing about girls is that she will love it. so i think its perfect the way it is :].
#7
Quote by RuleBreaker
been working on this for a few days and hope to get it to my girldfriend brefore valentines day. its no where near finished and i might chang a few lines but crit what i have so far so i can see if i need to start over from scrstch or just make minor revisions



Dude ur girl friend will love it. i think it will be the best gift tat any of her boyfriends have ever given her.relax just kidding
Hi