#1
This is the complete version of "Televised Inebriation". I posted some scrap before, and I've developed some more off of it. Any thoughts, suggestions, etc appreciated. Crit for crit, 'course. (Didn't bother typing out the Chorus/Pre-Chorus twice)

Verse:
Broken bottles surround me
Like my wholesome family
Father Schnopp's prevents drowning
As soon as the walls start talking

Pre-Chorus:
You're distorting reason
Such a boring re-run
Just overlook the demons
Beviamo a libertà.

Chorus:
You're unbroken
Soft, unspoken
Lost in pseudo-heaven
You're unbroken

Verse:
Toppling over one another
Exchanging our misery for mock bliss
Boundless liquid euphoria
Providing the blind with vision
#2

Verse:
Broken bottles surround me
Like my wholesome family
Father Schnopp's prevents drowning
As soon as the walls start talking

///Good start, this opened up some questions for me which is great because you answered them.

Pre-Chorus:
You're distorting reason
Such a boring re-run
Just overlook the demons
Beviamo a libertà.

///Great pre-chorus as far as flow goes, the last line added some originality points. The first line is especially good because of the first verse.

Chorus:
You're unbroken
Soft, unspoken
Lost in pseudo-heaven
You're unbroken

///This is my least favorite part, It's kind of...bland? I think a new chorus is in order...

Verse:
Toppling over one another
Exchanging our misery for mock bliss
Boundless liquid euphoria
Providing the blind with vision

///Perfect, for me this is where everything came together, way to tie all of the loose ends!


After the chorus this is a great song, I like the length and all. The song came to a great closing point.

Have fun ripping mine apart.

{First Songwriting Attempt}


Gear:
Ernie Ball Musicman LTD ED Rosewood
Peavey JSX Head/Cab
Crybaby Wah

Pearl Drums (Remo Heads)
Fender Bass/Amp
#3
This is great! I realy like some of your rhymes like "Broken bottles surround me
Like my wholesome family" and "You're distorting reason
Such a boring re-run"- really cool. For me the last verse was slightly weaker than the first, but still really good. The Italian is cool but if you put in in English the whole chorus would rhyme!

Could you crit one of mine?
#4
^Those are probably my favorite lines too. I think it's really elegant in its length, and ...I honestly can't think of much to criticize. It makes very efficient use of the language and I think the whole television/alcohol metaphor is really cool for its originality and just all the implications. I mean, alcohol can be condemned but who doesn't watch television? Overall it's really great
#5
Verse:
Broken bottles surround me
Like my wholesome family
Father Schnopp's prevents drowning
As soon as the walls start talking

Hmm... for this fourth line to make sense, I expect a baggy of cambodian killers or a bottle of hypnotic. Schnapps* doesn't make walls talk, it makes them things to walk into and pass out by.

Pre-Chorus:
You're distorting reason
Such a boring re-run
Just overlook the demons
Beviamo a libertà.

Well I don't speak whatever language that 4th line is, so i don't know. But I'd think of a better adjective for the re-run.

Chorus:
You're unbroken
Soft, unspoken
Lost in pseudo-heaven
You're unbroken

I liked the third line. The irony makes me smile.

Verse:
Toppling over one another
Exchanging our misery for mock bliss
Boundless liquid euphoria
Providing the blind with vision

Ehh... this is off key, stylistically.

Overall, you need to develop a consistant style, and work out the kinks i noted, good start though.

when you can, if you could hit up the top one on my sig, id love you.
#6
I liked your last one better. The psuedo-heaven line sounds a little awkward, but I guess it makes that line a little less cliche. The only part I didn't like was the chorus, your might want to re-write, or maybe just word it better. Sorry for the short crit.