#1
I trivialized over the suicide of the gifted kind,

wish i could find where i lay blind by the midnight sky,

i squirm inside your lucid thighs i wish i tried the spermicid,

for you i cry, tonight this night, time has come,

to seize the reigns, don't be afraid my work is done.


four things to come, to bring us all before the judge,
dignity, a twisted image of what we were.
serenity, what we all wish for.
chastity, for we were pure.
honesty, set up from the one for sure.


seven things to repent, to ensure our love.

Gluttony,
I consume to find the feeling never over come,
Vanity,
I lose it all because I fall beneath the mirrors eye.
Lust,
For we must be the best we can, so with me you may lie.
Envy,
You'rs is what we want, just so we can have it again.
Wrath,
so it's over know, please don't howl or I will have to close the door.
Greed,
Because you'rs is better and mine it will be once more.
Sloth,
for now you are lucky, because no longer driven after the *****.


One thing in the end, Choice.

You chose to find god, you chose the worship the land,
You cried when things were bad, so you took the masters hand.
You tried to change what couldn't be, so know I want you pure,
But I can't have you, You are defected, Baiting me with eternal lure.

You chose to give up you'r beliefs just for one night,
but that was alright, because now I can fight,
atleast we will once the baby is born.

________________________________________-

First part is spoken lowly over the rhythem, Small solo, Then the last part sung to the rhythem and Outrosolo.

Crit for crit, this is a dark slow heavy death metal kind of song. Please forgive my ignorance in the style, but I decided to branch out and try a new genre
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#2
I trivialized over the suicide of the gifted kind,

wish i could find where i lay blind by the midnight sky,

i squirm inside your lucid thighs i wish i tried the spermicide,

for you i cry, tonight this night, time has come,

to seize the reigns, don't be afraid my work is done.

///The third line is priceless! I see what you mean by awkward mood now w/ the rhythm and all.


four things to come, to bring us all before the judge,
dignity, a twisted image of what we were.
serenity, what we all wish for.
chastity, for we were pure.
honesty, set up from the one for sure.

///I picture this being sung into a megaphone.

seven things to repent, to ensure our love.

Gluttony,
I consume to find the feeling never over come,
Vanity,
I lose it all because I fall beneath the mirrors eye.
Lust,
For we must be the best we can, so with me you may lie.
Envy,
Yours is what we want, just so we can have it again.
Wrath,
so it's over know, please don't howl or I will have to close the door.
Greed,
Because yours is better and mine it will be once more.
Sloth,
for now you are lucky, because no longer driven after the *****.

///Seems like an extension of the previous stanza but with a different rhythm

One thing in the end, Choice.

///Deathgrunt and cue pyrotechnics for "Choice".

You chose to find god, you chose the worship the land,
You cried when things were bad, so you took the masters hand.
You tried to change what couldn't be, so know I want you pure,
But I can't have you, You are defected, Baiting me with eternal lure.

///This is a great stanza, I like the 2nd line best.

You chose to give up your beliefs just for one night,
but that was alright, because now I can fight,
at least we will once the baby is born.
///Another killer ending!


It's always good to try new things. Lets see some funk next!
This was pretty good, I fully understand what you were saying over at my post now, thanks for the example.

Is this song meant to be played straight through with no repeats?

{First Songwriting Attempt}


Gear:
Ernie Ball Musicman LTD ED Rosewood
Peavey JSX Head/Cab
Crybaby Wah

Pearl Drums (Remo Heads)
Fender Bass/Amp
#3
Yeah, I am proud of it atleast for the experience of writing something different. I always have odd songs i suppose, Kind of like morbid or twisted themes, Or sympathetic and such.


Yeah, Played through with no repeats, This is dark, So the lyrics are kind of a back to the guitar melody, 2 leads playing to the backing rythem, Pentatonic minor and harmonic minor scales. It is not done yet, but I hope this one turns out well also.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#4
Hey, great you tried something different...
this is amazing, i love the thing you did w/ 7 deadly sins, interesting how it might sound
you really expressed the idea well in all the stanzas
and the last two wrap it up perfectly

no repetition? i guess thats alright.
i dunno what else you need to do with this song, i really like it the way it is
House: according to the philosophy of Jagger,
"you can't always get what you want"
cuddy: i looked up jagger. apparently
"if you try, you might just find, you get what you need"
huddy x]


Stalker.. much?
or
Runners High/Under the Sky
#5
I guess there could be some repitition... I just didn't know what to do it with... maybe the part about honesty, divinity and such...
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#6
Yeah, repetition isn't necessary with this one. It stands on its own.

It also gets much better as you go along. The first stanza is blah. The rhymes are forced and the piece doesn't flow. After that, it gets way better. The Four Virtues (?) bit is excellent, and The Seven Deadly Sins bit has a very cool rhyme scheme that I like a whole lot. Just a note, if it helps you out at all, there are actually Seven Virtues that go along with the Seven Deadly Sins (Wisdom, Understanding, Counsel, Strength, Knowledge, Godliness, Awe), which might make a fine extension to your piece if you chose to lengthen the second stanza.

Anyway, I really liked this piece a lot. If you want to crit mine - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=520413
My Last.fm Account

My Band

Quote by Jackal58
JoHNNERz you sir are my hero of the moment.
#7
That's a pretty far out song, dosen't always flow but its better than the cliche arena rock bullshit.
I'm a rockstar without the skills, fame, or income.


Washington Redskins
#8
thanks, I am thinking about a better intro... just add more to give the hint off.

Edit: Thanks for the seven Vitues thing, I will rework the first stanza to make it fit the seven Virtues.

With that, The song could be renamed, "Seven" Would be a good one.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
Last edited by Deluster at Feb 16, 2007,