#1
New piece, inspired by my usual dark undertones. Part 1 of 2.


One To Find Your Métier - noun
[me tyãy, may tyãy]
[Late 18th century. Via French from assumed Vulgar Latin misterium, alteration of Latin ministerium (see ministry).]

In Seine we are kept. Sifting 'midst the stratum of
the seamless stream.

Spirit - The Soul
Postloss souls swim among the seines.
Interred by the manifestation of will,
consign a baited breath upon idle stifling
with a variance on inhalation.
Courage - Heart
With the interruption of cadence, a harmony is perched-
lapsed. Let lie my incendiary device.
For to lip-sync now would confound the reunion
of conferred air, between both lungs and repose.
Knowledge - The Brain
Refer to the synapse connections, the
peripherals of perception via Perleche lips.
Where prefound shells lie succinct
against the silt within this stream of consciousness.
Strength - The Arm
Meld of the metal that man later idolised,
this might imposed the brevity of whim
upon the longevity of repentance-
If you venture to the realm of thoughts
this lowly act bestows, then consider it your last too.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 2, 2007,
#2
I would like to see a better finishing line here that ties everything back in better. As for now, it seems kind of tacked on and doesn't fit with the piece whatsoever, imo. The rest is you standard dictative riddle-style that we have all come to love or hate....there are some line here that are really gold, but this one inparticular made me stop and smile.

of conferred air, between both lungs and repose

that, at least for me, would have took a little time to think up, so for that I give you kudos. Other than that, I can't say that i was ever really attached to it, probably cause the ending didn't do the rest of the piece much justice.
#3
Ok yeha I see that, I'm gonna work on this a bit more, it was a first draft. New ending coming soon.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
I don't have any problems with this, I liked the other ending, it made me think there was a meaning I totally missed. There's not a lot I can think of to say about it, it's well written, and the new ending does work with the piece better.