#1
this is an old song. I usually don't do this but crit for crit,


"he speaks in algebra" 'she' said
writing about me in third person
as if I wasn't reading
and you were never good at math
so you couldn't understand
double meanings meant one thing
the metaphors soared over head
like vultures or like angels
everything's perspective

you made a decision
long before annunciation
or a now obvious solution
as I asked
"when two songs play at once
which one will you turn up?"

we agreed perfect timing is two shooting stars colliding
and I know you want to see it but don't think it can be witnessed
keeping your eyes shut, never looking up
if seeing is believing you were keeping yourself waiting

I have pinpointed the moment
when you saw it both ways
caught metaphors like pop fly?s
understood why when discussing
two shooting stars colliding
I asked about your aim

bad at math but still
understanding the equation
when you solved for x
we were standing close
too close for close friends
they talk about reading winks or shifts or sighs
but your face was a billboard sign
knew who I was writing lines about
whose scent, whose breath, whose eyes

and love like perfect timing
works like crosshairs aligning
taking casualties
cupid doesn't carry weaponry for nothing
hearts break every day
so if there's an injury
we'll drive to the infirmary
and (in time) he'll be just fine

if we bend the tails of comets
to direct their destinations
and make the setting sun
make way for rising night
there's your perfect timing

and if seeing is believing you're keeping yourself waiting
two shooting stars colliding can be easy as eyes opening
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
have you posted this before?
i swear to god i remember it.
maybe i'm just being stupid.

either way, i loved it.

I just want to sleep forever.


#3
This would have been alright were it not for the fact that this was crying out for punctuation. From someone that said if it can't be understood its not poetry. This imo is just stream of concious layered to look like poetry. But without any of the required pauses and subtleties.

I mean these lines:

so you couldn't understand
double meanings meant one thing
the metaphors soared over head
like vultures or like angels
everything's perspective


We're just ruined cause they read into each other, the joys of punctuation is it sets a tone to go along with the piece. And this does no such thing. I just read it like I was readinfg the ingredients on a tin.

Other than that the content is pretty decent, a lot of regurgitated ideas but for the most part they stand alone. I mean the whole math idea has been pretty much covered now, I remember when ABB was using them over two years ago. The metaphor lines are what stands out for me, they are different.

and love like perfect timing
works like crosshairs aligning
taking casualties
cupid doesn't carry weaponry for nothing
hearts break every day
so if there's an injury
we'll drive to the infirmary
and (in time) he'll be just fine


That stanza reminds me waaaay to much of either a FOB or an ABB piece. Also the stanza felt awkward. It ends on the note of death and isn't exactly a linear progression the rest of the stanzas follow. It just seemed too isolated and off track from the rest. Thats about all I can find. It is still a nicely written piece.


Theres a piece under "my writing" in my sig if you wouldn't mind, its not my usual stuff so I'd appreciate the feedback.

Thanks
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
well well well, nice

very nice, quite interesting in fact

such things as

you made a decision
long before annunciation
or a now obvious solution
as I asked
"when two songs play at once
which one will you turn up?"

we agreed perfect timing is two shooting stars colliding
and I know you want to see it but don't think it can be witnessed
keeping your eyes shut, never looking up
if seeing is believing you were keeping yourself waiting

that caught my attention

BUT

for some reaosn the maths thing annoyed me - and by the stanza's after the one's i posted, i was getting bored with it. it might be that it's 10.30 and i'm high on coffee and not really with it and as such i will finish this crit later

now that i've realised, if you get a chance crit the one in my sig (this is what we get for falling in lust please) and i'll finish this crit tomorrow after school

it was good man, really good
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#6
I loved this one, again. Really, much deeper than alot of your work I thought.

However, and I know I've brought it up before with your work, I'm with Steve when he said it is crying out for punctuation. Because it is. I know you have your reasons for not punctuating your work, whatever they were, but really, this piece just... needs it. Honestly, I was going to bring up the exact same passage as Steve did until I scrolled donw and saw he'd already gotten to it.

Really, I'd love to see you punctuate, it would just make your pieces even better, and far easier to read.


Other than that, "annunciation" I didn't like, because it was th eonly word I don't know

Really great. Like you've got much deeper from say a omnth or two ago. Keep it going
#7
I don't believe in punctuating songs. it's to be sung. I agree, the math thing is done, but it's quite possible that it reminds you not of something by ABB from a long time ago but something by me a long time ago since this is two years old and I did post it then. basically I posted it to find out if I've come somewhere as a writer of if I used to be better.

so any more of course appreciated. thank you guys who already did, I'll return the favor right after work.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#8
Oh crap, forgot it was a song.

Screw the punctuating. I believe in the same thing

Though if you ever write to be read, make sure you do use it

Great stuff.