#1
Heres a song I wrote, its not finished yet, so far I only have a verse and the chorus but I wanted to post it and see some peoples reactions. Thanks.

I'm overcome with sanity
My mind is filled with vanity
I'm rapidly becoming someone else
The universe is twisted now
I need to talk to you somehow
Sometimes I just don't feel like myself


When my conciousness collapses
And I become a different man
Then that identity perhaps is
The man I really am
And when there's no time left for comfort
And what's soothing turns to ice
I'm growing out of the dirt
A hybrid from a splice


definitely a work in progress but it's pretty much the first song I've ever written...I'm sixteen btw.
#2
Quote by OTISREDDING
Heres a song I wrote, its not finished yet, so far I only have a verse and the chorus but I wanted to post it and see some peoples reactions. Thanks.

I'm overcome with sanity
My mind is filled with vanity
I'm rapidly becoming someone else
The universe is twisted now
I need to talk to you somehow
Sometimes I just don't feel like myself


When my conciousness collapses
And I become a different man
Then that identity perhaps is
The man I really am
And when there's no time left for comfort
And what's soothing turns to ice
I'm growing out of the dirt
A hybrid from a splice


definitely a work in progress but it's pretty much the first song I've ever written...I'm sixteen btw.



I like all the lines of the first stanza except the last two, I like the idea, but the wording needs to be changed I think. Other than that I really like the picture you've painted, it's straightforward, not a whole lot of digging required to see the meaning, but sometimes that's refreshing. The second stanza's rhyme scheme seems like something Dr. Seuss would do. Maybe that's just me, I like where you're going with it, but I think it doesn't flow quite as well, and the last line is nonsensical. You go from such straightforward writing to heavy metaphor, you gotta find the balance in between. It has potential though. Crit mine if you have the chance: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=515879&highlight=atlas